Yo, Jake. You and me...I think we're cool now.

Peace,
Prophecy Girl

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Oh, wow. Okay.

For the first time since its publication, I read I'm Stalking Jake! cover to cover this week.

I am extremely proud of the end product.  I'm proud of the work that I did with Jake Watch, and remain astonished at my luck in finding such a productive and complementary partner in Susie (britpopbaby).

And yet I also now understand why so many people have commented to me on the "honesty" of the book as a whole.  As I wrote it, I was concerned I may come off as too sanctimonious.  I see now that those fears were ungrounded; I did a remarkable job of leaving my character flaws prominently in place.

It made me laugh, it made me clench up in rage...it was surreal to acknowledge that the story that I was reading was the story of my own life.  And not only that, but the story of my life as written by me.  That being the case, I can't quite explain how it was that I stayed up past my bedtime three nights in a row because I was dying to know "what happened next."

Jake Watch wasn't just a blog.  It was an adventure.  And it was a work of art - living and breathing art - that swept me and so many other people up in its wake.  I comment at one point toward the end of the book that there was nothing like it on the internet.  And there wasn't; there still isn't, and I doubt there ever will be.

If you haven't yet read the book, I strongly encourage you to do so.  An endorsement from the author may seem like a conflict of interest, but I wrote the damn thing and I hadn't read it yet, either.   Not really.  Not from the perspective of a reader, rather than a writer.

And now that I have, the only thing that I can say is that I am so incredibly glad that I wrote it.  Wow.  What a ride...

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Well, I Suppose I Should Post Something, Shouldn't I?

Happy Birthday to Jake Gyllenhaal, who today is older than shit.  In celebration of him having a birthday (a fine accomplishment), I'm going to post an (oldish?) picture (below) of Jake sitting with some schoolchildren, as that is precisely the type of photo op that makes him seem happy and well-adjusted, as well as relevant, and those are three things that I honestly cannot vouch for him on at the moment.

My biggest wish for Jake on this day is that someone gives him a new pair of pants, because he has worn the same pair of army green cargo pants every single fucking day for the entire month of December so far.  And no, I'm not posting a picture of him wearing them because a) they are terrible, and b) I'm actually extremely suspicious that all of these pictures come from as many different days as the dates on them would lead us to believe.   EVEN JAKE GYLLENHAAL changes clothes more often than that.  (Usually.)

In conclusion, Happy Holidays to anyone out there who still checks this practically-defunct site!  I wish you all the best in 2012!  May your holiday season be filled with warmth, joy, and much, much more important and meaningful things than Jake Gyllenhaal's pants.

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Man Shows Appropriate Level of Excitement to be Sharing Subway with Jake

(Picture courtesy of some chick on Tumblr.)

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Onward and Upward!

It's Homecoming weekend at Rhodes College.

And the bookstore is currently carrying ONLY THE BEST in alumni-penned books.

This blog, of course, exists to promote that book (though understandably casual passersby often mistake it for promoting Jake himself), and as I reach the end of my marketing potential through Jake fans, and as I continue to close in on finishing a second book, this blog just isn't getting the attention from me it once did.

But I will continue to post on the schedule that I have been, i.e., when something strikes me, there will be a post.  Because of a recent discussion in the comments though, I wanted to address something...

I have a lot of affection for Jake Gyllenhaal.  I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't.  But my reputation outside of this small community is suspect at best, which I think partly comes from a misunderstanding about my feelings toward him and a misunderstanding of why I wrote the book that I did.

Jake's human.  I'm human.  I've made many mistakes over my career as a fan, and he's made just as many in his role as a celebrity.  Being able to talk about that, being realistic about what fame/popularity does to a person, and being open about disappointments - from all sides - that's what I'm all about.  Jake was part of my journey into adulthood.  That's why I wrote the book.  It's not about exposing his flaws or settling scores with other bloggers; it's about me growing up a little over the course of a celebrity crush.

And maybe one of the biggest mistakes I've made through this whole process was assuming that the people who currently have a crush on him would want to read about how my personal experience shaped me.

But for all of you who get it, and get me, (because I don't say it enough) thank you for reading. :)

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Peter Sarsgaard Is *Not Happy* About Jake's New Look

(^^^Look at the rage on this man's face!!!!!)

Fat load of good it did.  Jake still showed up to the NYC Film Festival looking like a fucking hipster:

The dude has a neatly-trimmed beard, follows Mumford and Sons around the country, and spends all of his money on unpronounceable coffee-like beverages.  I love Sarsgaard and all, but he should have been angry about Jake being a hipster long before those ridiculous glasses showed up...

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Today in Jake Watch History

As things grind to a halt around here, what with my focus being on things other than Jake and everyone else's focus also being on things other than Jake, I wanted to share some of the posts that made Jake Watch (the blog that preceded this one and that inspired my book) the unique, hilarious, and groundbreaking piece of internet art that it was.

Here's a post from October 7, 2006, written by the incomparable britpopbaby:

AGENTS IN ACTION: PART II

You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.

1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.

2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:

Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No. 2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No. 2. What's her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.

3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No. 1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No. 1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.

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Jake Gyllenhaal: Still a Generic, Run-of-the-Mill Human Being

Jake needs to come hang out with me for a while.  Not because I want him around (we're on frosty terms at the moment), but because I'm a magnet for hysteria.  And Jake is a magnet for banality.  And maybe the two of us could even each other out to the point where we both had manageably interesting lives...

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Ruminations on Biology and Human Attractiveness (with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick Thrown in for Good Measure)

I'm reading a book right now called The Third Chimpanzee:  The Evolution and Future of the Human Animal.  I have many pages yet to go, but I just finished the absolutely fascinating chapter on how and why we "choose our mates."

Much of what appeals to us on a physical level is unconscious.  Like tends to choose like, but not universally and not across all traits.  For instance, (strangely enough) there is a very strong correlation between the lengths of middle fingers among happily married couples, and yet the same cannot be said for comparable intelligence or similar hair color.  Apparently, that instantaneous attraction you feel when you meet someone is far more complicated and nuanced than any of us are consciously aware of...

If I were to describe to you the handful of males that I have immediately and strongly responded to in the past several years, you would likely (as most of my friends have) mock me for being all over the damned map.  But were I to show you pictures, then perhaps my selections would make a little more sense.  Maybe not a lot more sense, but enough more sense that I could show you a very specific set of physical attributes (and we're talking, like, size of forehead and length of nose here) that I, it appears, go for.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because when I was younger and stupider and more optimistic about the world, I (if you can believe it) had a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal, and by my own calculations, he fits so neatly within my predefined parameters that I was doomed before I even knew he existed.  If you've read my book (and if you haven't, what's wrong with you?! buy it, dammit!), then you may remember that I joke at the end of the first chapter that I was attracted to Jake because he looked like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

But according to The Third Chimpanzee, that was actually a statement based in cold, evolutionary fact and dammit if I don't seem doomed to live out my Ariel fantasy again and again until one of them sticks.

Speaking of our Prince Eric look-alike, he's out and about in a provocative new set of pictures from the weekend, featuring his End of Watch co-star, Anna Kendrick.  Of course speculation is rampant that they are dating.  No one cares.  (Seriously, no one cares.)

But looking at this purely from a biological standpoint, Anna, in comparison to women Jake has dated in the past, is very different.  I often joke that he likes them blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and more famous than he is (eye color aside, Anna is none of the above), but there's also a consistency in general facial features, from a small nose to slightly wide-set eyes to well-established cheek bones, that Anna lacks.

Complicating matters, in an effort to make him seem infinitely more interesting than he actually is, the tabloids are pitting Jake's pictures with Anna against a set of him with Rashida Jones, also taken this weekend.  In fact, of the two, I would place Rashida as physically closer to Jake's established "ideal" than Anna is.

Considering all of this is purely speculatory and caring about Jake's love life (or lack thereof) is about as productive (and useful) as banging your head against a wall, I thought I would attempt to turn this discussion back on us, Jake's audience.  I know exactly why I went for him.  But what about you?

And before all of you go writing me to tell me that evolution has failed you because you like Jake but you also like your husband/boyfriend/current tragically-hopeless-crush-who-doesn't-know-you-exist who looks nothing like Jake, I would like to point out that subtlety is oftentimes key when it comes to attractiveness...and also that many of us "make do" with people who don't live up to our "ideals."

Studies seem to indicate that the basis for what we're attracted to later in life is established very early in our childhoods.  How might my life have been different if I'd been a Beauty and the Beast fan instead of a Little Mermaid one?  The truth is that it's entirely possible I wouldn't be here writing this right now.  And the same could be said had I been born into a family with the exact same personalities but different physical traits, for the impact of family and familiarity on our young selves cannot be overstated. 

I know people like to think Jake's "special," but it turns out that the reason you're here right now and not over at a Ryan Gosling site probably has a hell of a lot more to do with you than it does with him...

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Jake Shows Trademark Happiness to be Associating with Fans

 

I feel like, in this picture, we're getting a glimpse of what Jake is going to look like when he's old.  (And when he is old, he will look no less thrilled to be in the company of fans than when he was young.)

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Jake Gyllenhaal Forced to Touch Dirt and "Interact" with Children for Television

Look up the word "nepotism" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of Jenna Bush Hager clutching a microphone for the Today Show.  For Christ's sake, she sounds like a damn first grader reading a book report every time she does a segment. 

I will, however, give her props for always seeming to choose her stories based on which celebrities she'll get to interview, and not because she has any real interest in what she's reporting about.  That type of blatant abuse of power to further her own interests is exactly the sort of thing I would do if I were in her position...

In the segment below, you will see children lie about loving kale.  You will see Jake Gyllenhaal tell us heretofore-unheard childhood stories about harvesting his dinner like a sharecropper.  And you will see the fun of eating a pizza ruined by making it about math:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

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Jake Gyllenhaal Really Just Looks Like Shit in this Picture

He's looking better in this one:

But then, no, shit again:

 

What is it with him and long, trailing dribbles of spit lately?

Dude.  Not attractive.

Just a reminder that you can still enter this fabulous contest to win a copy of my fabulous book.  If nothing else, consider it an excuse to watch some of Jake's movies again to figure out the answers to the quiz!  (And don't act like you have better things to do than watch DVDs, either, because I know you don't.)

In other news...HA HA HA, what am I talking about, THERE IS NO NEWS.  Except I'm leaving for the beach tomorrow.  Aren't you jealous?  You should be.

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Want to Win a Copy of My Book?

Of course you do.  Then enter THIS CONTEST.

Do it.  No, seriously.  Enter or Jake Motherfucking Gyllenhaal will put a cap in yo' ass.

I would like to extend a huge, heartfelt thank you to Alice at Jake Gyllenhaal's World, who has done so much with her blog and whose idea it was to do something a little special to get us through the dog days of summer.  She even wrote all the questions even though I said I would help but then didn't because I'm a horrible person.  Thank you, Alice!

P.S.  I see IHJ has a new layout for the first time since 2006 (!).  And it sort of looks like Jake is attempting to sever his jugular right in front of us, which makes it pretty damn spectacular in terms of layouts.  You should check it out if you haven't already.

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You Ever Wonder Where Photos Come From?

As readers of the previous posts' comments know (and readers of any other Jake blog in existence since it seems to have been covered quite extensively), Stephen got remarried over the weekend.  Of course there are tons of pictures...

Huh.

Surely the Gyllenhaals knew these pictures were being taken, right?  And were those all of the pictures that were taken?  Jake is prominent throughout...is this because more pictures were taken of him?  (Leading to the question of why the pictures were taken in the first place if he was the focus.)  Or were there more pictures in total, but the ones of him are the ones we're seeing because he's the most famous family member?

Where do these pictures come from?  Who takes them?  Who decides when and where to release them?  Who decides which of the shots are released to the public and which stay in the vault? 

It's Stephen Gyllenhaal's second wedding for Christ's sake.  Who on Earth would care enough to send a photographer off to capture it on film?

And perhaps the biggest question of all is how is it possible that Stephen and I have roughly the same amount of gray hair?

(Answer:  Stephen did not age prematurely like I did, because Stephen did not have to go through his twenties bearing the weight of having his entire existence disregarded by Stephen Gyllenhaal.)  (If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's because you still haven't read I'm Stalking Jake! the book!  You should get on that.)

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Yes, Yes, Jake Witnessed a Gang Shooting; Now Let's Tie It to Harry Potter!

It's my running joke (which works only because it's true) that Jake Gyllenhaal is a boring person.  The vast majority of the time, his life is about as interesting as anyone else's, which is to say not even remotely interesting enough to write about with anything approaching regularity.  Thus my propensity for making shit up.

But last week, two legitimately unusual things happened in the world of Jake:  he was a guest on the season premiere of Man vs. Wild, and he witnessed a gang shooting while doing a ride-along with the LAPD as part of his research for his role in End of Watch.

As is likely painfully clear, I offered full coverage of neither event.

My life last week did not include sleeping in a snow cave or cruising by real-life violence in a police car, but it was interesting within the context of me.  Some major life shit went down...and of course we had the release of the final Harry Potter film...

I was thinking about all of it as I lay in bed last night, and then I started thinking about this blog and waiting for the guilt that inevitably comes when I realize I haven't posted anything here in a while.  When the guilt didn't come, my train of thought shifted to why that was...

Jake was just doing his job last week.  When he showed up to Iceland a few months back, he wasn't actually morphing into a survivalist.  He was spending 48 hours with a camera crew under the guidance of a trained professional for the sake of making good television (the success of that goal being somewhat under debate).  And hanging out with the cops for a day doesn't give him any sort of in-depth appreciation for the harsh realities of making your living on the streets of Los Angeles year after year; it gives him insight into how to pretend well enough to entertain movie-goers who don't know any better.

And I guess that's maybe why these supposedly "interesting" things weren't really all that interesting to me last week. 

In a recent interview, Daniel Radcliffe (God bless him) said that one of the things he does to keep himself grounded is remind himself that when he gets out of the car at a premiere, the screaming isn't for him.  It's for Harry Potter.  Anyone who landed the role of Harry would have gotten those screams.  The true power lies in the story, not in his personal appeal.

And isn't that true of every celebrity?  I mean, honestly, at the very root of it, don't we applaud the fame above the person himself?  Jake's a good-looking guy, but how would you react to running into him if he weren't famous?  I'll go out on a limb and say there would be far less shaking and freaking out if instead of acting in movies, he was working behind the counter at Starbucks.

July 15 marked the fifth anniversary (!) of my first post on Jake Watch.  That is a long goddamned time.  In the past half-decade, I have learned many things (it is, after all, "all about learning"), but one lesson seems to have reared its head over and over and over again.  Fame is currency.  And at a much more impressionable era in my life, I got swept up by a guy who doesn't know how to spend his very well.

So I apologize for not commenting on the gang shooting thing.  But the truth is that I'll always find it more interesting when Jake winds up on an adventure for his own sake, and not for the sake of his audience.

Sort of related...here is DanRad on The Daily Show last night.  And no, there is no reason to post this other than it's my blog and I am one of the world's biggest motherfucking Harry Potter nerds. #noshamewhatsoever

The Daily Show - Daniel Radcliffe
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

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Happy Bear Grylls Day!

I'm really not sure what all the fuss is about.  You people act like watching Jake eat worms and fall into horrifying knee-deep crevasses (see previous post) is more exciting than what we usually see him doing.

Personally, I think you're all nuts.  Jake is exciting all the time.  Just in the past couple of weeks, we've seen him walk to his car:

Walk to his car carrying a beverage cup:

And walk to his car NOT carrying a beverage cup, but holding his hand like he is because it's apparently now permanently stuck in that position:

But whatever, fine, go and enjoy your season premiere tonight like it's something out of the ordinary or something...

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Jake Gyllenhaal Almost Dies or Something but Whatever Because This Makes for FANTASTIC Television

Oh, what thrills await those of you who will be watching the season premiere of Man vs. Wild this Friday!  A sample below:

It was with great interest that I read the comments of the last post regarding Brokeback Mountain jokes.  Clearly they have been far more widespread than I realized in reference to Jake's appearance on Man vs. Wild.  Even the Huffington Post, where these clips were snatched from, used Brokeback in the first sentence of their article about this show. 

Why are people still talking about Brokeback Mountain?  Apparently within the grand context of pop culture, it remains the fastest and easiest way to remind everyone who Jake Gyllenhaal is.  He's that guy who was in that movie that caused such a stir that five and a half years later, people still haven't gotten over it...

Thanks to Sam and Vanessa for tipping me off to these clips!!

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Quote(s) of the Week

Today's quote comes via my Facebook wall:

LULZ TIMES A THOUSAND, Facebook friend.

(Sadly, despite my many promises, I will not be able to watch this exciting premiere, for I will be on the road to St. Louis for - I can't believe I'm actually saying this - business purposes.  But I'm roughly 10 billion percent sure that I'll catch one of the endless reruns of this program, and thus still be able to fulfill my obligation to recap it for those of you without access to American basic cable.)



And because I'm feeling particularly generous today, here's another quote, this one from my e-mail inbox:

FACT:  David Hasselhoff cares about I'm Stalking Jake.

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Er, Should I Be Concerned?

Top searches from a couple of weeks ago:

You're a bunch of damn macabre fans; you know that, right?

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Man vs. Jake Gyllenhaal

Is that Jake Gyllenhaal or Ralphie's kid brother Randy?


Hahaha, I crack myself up.

As has been the subject of endless conversation for months (because really, what the hell else are Jake fans going to talk about?), Jake Gyllenhaal is set to appear on an episode of Man vs. Wild at some point, sometime, in the future, sometime.

I haven't the foggiest idea when.  But if someone else knows, this information would be most appreciated.

ALSO, I would like to extend a heartfelt welcome to the newest blog in the Jake Gyllenhaal blogging community:  Jake Gyllenhaal's World!  You should check it out; it's a tad more informative on a general level than the blog you are currently reading. ;) 

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