JAKE GYLLENHAAL. A man of many talents. He competently opens car doors. He grows man-beards. He's even been known to use his legs to walk from one place to another.
And we can add to this varied and impressive list of marketable skills that he sometimes shows up drunk in other people's music videos. We'll talk about the first time he did this in another post. (That time wasn't so bad actually, what with the party atmosphere and the song being about a-a-a-a-a-al-co-hol anyway.)
The second time, though...
Jesus help me through my recap of what happened with the second time...
TRUE STORY: I'm gone. I'm off on my hiatus. Jake's...not handling it well. (He and I are terribly close, as you all know, and basically I only do this blog to make him feel better about how completely obsessed he is with me.)
Without my wholesome influence, Jake starts going a little crazy. Like, oh, I don't know, he starts wearing plaid.
Plaid + Musicians = I start hearing stories about Jake. Wild shit. It's all TENNIS AND BOOZE for Gylls now.
But at least he's keeping it on the down low.
So I'm sitting at home one night, editing Chapter 3 of my book (actual chapter title: "Jake Watch Was Not My Creation; I Just Attached Myself to It with Leech-Like Enthusiasm"), and I'm like, 'Hey, maybe I should take a break and see if Vampire Weekend has put out any new music videos today.'
And what do you know? They had.
So I'm watching the video for "Giving Up The Gun," rocking along, really getting into it because I'm way into all-white curtains and red vests, and then, about 30 seconds in, this random Jonas brother shows up. And I'm freaking out, right? Not because I'm crushing on whichever-the-hell brother that is, but because Vampire Weekend must have blown their entire guest star budget on this guy.
I'm still into it, though...
Some other people show up in the video (but they're not famous, 'cause of what I said about the guest star budget) and we're going along...going along...this song is awesome...no it's better than awesome...
TWO OH THREE HAPPENS.
JAKE SHOWS UP.
And I should have known. Because I already knew about the tennis and the flask. BUT STILL. I could only sit back and watch...
2:03 - He's playing tennis. Of course he is. Wearing a headband. And God help me, recovering Jake addict that I am, I think the 80s headgear is kind of hot...
2:08 - Five seconds in, he's already drinking. And I get it, because I'm drinking too now. Work that bottle, Jake. Work it.
2:09 - Shot cuts away. And I get that, too. Maybe the camera man doesn't want to see Jake like this.
BUT I DO.
2:17 - Luckily for me, the camera guy can't stay away. Jake makes a slashing motion across his neck, which was always his secret signal to me, meaning, "Prophecy Girl, is that you playing tennis against me right now?"
2:20 - Another cut-away. I take the opportunity to tell Jake that it is not me he's playing tennis against, but I understand the confusion, as I, too, am (moderately) athletic and have (moderately) red hair.
But I'm pretty sure Jake still thinks it's me.
2:23 - Because that's the only explanation as to why he takes his pants off. Just like that. Off they go, with a flourish meant to impress.
Am I impressed?
2:24 - Not yet.
2:25 - Underneath the pants are tiny, jolly tennis shorts that show off his muscular man-legs and match the headband.
NOW I'm impressed.
2:30 - Jake serves the tennis ball.
2:34 - Jake hits the tennis ball.
2:43 - Dear God, he's got the hooch out again...
2:46 - Now he's drinking and playing tennis at the same time. Is it hot in here to anyone else?
2:52 - The alcohol has improved his game (double meaning intended).
2:54 - Jake has nearly finished off his bottle (though he's got nothing on me -- I finished my bottle when he took his pants off).
(At this point, I'm starting to think maybe I was overreacting. Maybe the tennis and the drinking are working out all right for him. At the very least, they've improved his fashion sense.)
3:00 - He's still up. He's still playing...
3:02 - ...though not well.
3:06 - OH. Man down!
3:10 - Jake uses his tennis shorts as his racket. Christ.
3:12 - And he's really down now. OH JAKE.
3:16 - Match over. Jake shakes hands with the girl he thinks is me...
3:18 - ...and hugs the girl he thinks is me...
3:20 - ...and is so overcome that he drags the girl he thinks is me over the net and onto the ground with him.
And then there's more of the video, but I was too distressed to continue watching.
And so I thought, 'Dammit, if he misses me that much then I'll just start blogging about him again.'
And so I did. And look at that, he hasn't touched a tennis racket since.