Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear Twitter, Jake Gyllenhaal is Not Dead So Shut the Fuck Up.

Twitter, the social networking site made "popular" by celebrities, Republicans, and whiny, emo teenagers (i.e. the three least likely groups on Earth to be in touch with reality), has made a name for itself by spreading dumb rumors about people dying when they haven't.

Twitter's latest victim is popular, blue-eyed American Jake Gyllenhaal.

ARRRGHHH.  So much death rumor fail going on here.

FIRST:  Time of death is so secondary to cause of death.  Whoever came up with this rumor should be banned from Twitter. 

SECOND:  OH WAIT.  I think we know who started this rumor, llindacrystal, who is terrible.  Everybody spam this bitch.

THIRD:  Notice Jake is not trending.
Which means he's not even getting any free publicity out of this.

Much like the people who impersonate him on Twitter, the people who start death rumors about Jake on Twitter are TERRIBLE at their jobs.  The end.

And also, don't worry.

 He's alive!

47 comments:

Anonymous,  August 11, 2010 at 8:17 AM  

ugh, wtf's wrong with the people on twitter!

Anonymous,  August 11, 2010 at 8:18 AM  

"Jake Gyllenhaal RIP" Is the WORST thing my eyes have seen. I knew it would have been a hoax but then i thought maybe she's the first person to know for some reason. PANIC. I don't know what the hell i would do if he died. Well i'm glad thats over. Phewf.

Silver

Prophecy Girl August 11, 2010 at 8:20 AM  

No, I know! My heart dropped straight out of my chest when I read your comment. I said I was going for a run but even knowing it wasn't true, I had to deal with it before I went because I knew it was going to bother me too much.

So NOW I'm going for a run. :) But thank you for alerting us, Silver!! Jesus, what a heart-stopping way to wake up. :(

gyllenhaalisgr8 August 11, 2010 at 8:21 AM  

Perhaps this confused the sweet little idiot -- it does have "Jake Gyllenhaal" and "Dead" in the same sentence, but...out of context is a horrible concept. May she burn in hell for all eternity.

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/04/24/speculation-is-jake-gyllenhaal-a-dead-spy-running/

Anonymous,  August 11, 2010 at 9:33 AM  

omg!is it true??i'm his big fan!i can't live without jake!i really don't want to believe that jake is dead.but it seems like real.who can prove it or just tell me the truth!!!

gyllenhaalisgr8 August 11, 2010 at 9:50 AM  

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS: if something truly happened to Jake, the media would be all over it (probably with subjective negativity no less) but there is NO NEWS to that effect, Anon! It is a horrible thought and a terrible rumor for anyone to start without facts. We are confident that Jake is alive and well and doing something extremely important like walking somewhere to buy something! Peace!!

Prophecy Girl August 11, 2010 at 10:17 AM  

Anon, I can prove it: HE'S NOT DEAD. Period.

(And also ditto on everything gyllenhaalisgr8 said. :))

Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 10:17 AM  

This kinda of thing to wake up to just makes me sick beyond imagination. I totally agree with gyllenhaalisgr8's last comment.

& thank you PG for putting this up so fast to try to dispel this FU'd BS. WTF is wrong with people like that anyway? Nothing better to do or what?

OK, it is high time we get new photos of Gylls asap as I know that will assuredly make all of us feel way better, right?

& now, time to move on... :)

Call Me Mo August 11, 2010 at 10:21 AM  

Also, if Jake was dead there would be some sort of cataclysmic effect no doubt. Since we all woke up and everything was just as normal, I know Jake is just fine. The universe would be in total mourning otherwise.

Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 10:31 AM  

Mo, truer words were never spoken. Well said. Keep the faith... ;-)

gyllenhaalisgr8 August 11, 2010 at 10:57 AM  

I totally agree with Mo. The earth would fall off of its axis out of sheer devastation. It would be like a Donnie Darko remake and we would all be praying we were in a parallel universe. The thought of Jake leaving us...who of us could cope? I can't even go there.

pakistani4jake,  August 11, 2010 at 12:10 PM  

what the F**k.....? she is CRAZY...... ... Jake,May you live a long, happy and prosperous life in the loving company of those you love. ... I pray to Allah for your happiness ....
I AM GONNA SPAM HER....WHAT A BITCH!!!

Anonymous,  August 11, 2010 at 12:51 PM  

Wait, how are you sure he is still alive? I'm not saying I believe those morons on Twitter, just asking why you know he's alive? Lol

Nothing Really Matters August 11, 2010 at 1:58 PM  

Thank god you're here to put a stop to shite like this PG!

I wasn't sure how I could go on!

Prophecy Girl August 11, 2010 at 2:03 PM  

^^^ I do what I can, darling! ;D

Anon...AHHH, but I think the bigger question is why you would assume I might not know what I was talking about. ;) Despite the general joking tone of this blog, I'm terribly wise and a pretty damn reliable source. :)

gyllenhaalisgr8 August 11, 2010 at 2:05 PM  

Anon, check Yahoo. Check Google. Check CNN. There is nothing to substanciate this hoax. The fact that they are not saying he is dead means he is alive. Please take heart in that. If Jake were dead, there would be no one on this blog. We would all be dead, too. Probably. Possibly. If not, we could not type because we all cried our eyes out. Jake is the man.

Anonymous,  August 11, 2010 at 2:24 PM  

Ok, I hadn't seen this before coming here but can I say that seeing those words just gave me flashbacks to Heath's death. Something I hope never to have to live through again. Why would someone start a rumor like this?! If it were true it would be everywhere by now, but still, what's wrong with this person?!

Olympia

Vanessa August 11, 2010 at 2:36 PM  

OMG, Olympia, SAME. That's exactly what struck me this morning too. I still can't shake this horrid feeling even though I know it isn't true. I need a drink asap, but am still working. We really need some NEW pics of Jake right away. Isn't there someone out there that has one somewhere? PLEASE??? >;-)

Anonymous,  August 11, 2010 at 2:44 PM  

Vanessa, I feel the same way you do. And I'm at work too, just like I was when Heath died. What a nightmare, I had to hide in the bathroom to try to calm down and then had to work for another 2 hours, training a new employee when all I wanted to do was go home. I don't want to think about losing Jake too.

Olympia

Prophecy Girl August 11, 2010 at 3:05 PM  

Of all times for Jake to be off on a multi-week disappearance! The people who pull stunts like this don't ever stop to think about the people whom this sort of news really affects (and *particularly* in this case, since so many of us were so devastated when Heath died). Internet rumors can be really amusing, but any time you're talking about someone's life, it stops being funny and starts having the potential to really hurt people. People "die" on Twitter practically on a daily basis, but I'm just so glad this rumor didn't get any further than did.

At any rate, in an effort to lift the mood, there's a new post with old pictures. :)

coffeecat August 11, 2010 at 4:03 PM  

LOL - turn me on dead man

Prophecy Girl August 11, 2010 at 6:14 PM  

^^^ I was wondering if anyone would get that. ;D

Lorelai August 11, 2010 at 8:54 PM  

That lil bitch who posted it should get her ass kicked!

Btw I'm with coffeecat I get a kick out of your Labels. I always look forward to them.

Turn me on dead man. Turn me on!

Peace!
Lorelai
twitter.com/BeautifulMess74

Prophecy Girl August 11, 2010 at 10:24 PM  

Thanks, Lorelai! Sometimes I do better with the labels than other times...but this one I kind of liked. :D

S4M985 August 14, 2010 at 4:34 AM  

Love the Label PG!

But i should have told you guys sooner, Jake didnt die, he actually missed me so much he came to see ME in Hong Kong(Yes me this time, he doesnt only follow PG) Im home now so he must be too... only a matter of time before you see pap pics..

hehe...

PG- i read your comment about the run and i SO knew you wouldnt!

Prophecy Girl August 14, 2010 at 12:42 PM  

I KNEW there was a rational explanation for all of this!! Damn you, Sam. Stealing my stalker for your getaway! ;D

Seriously, you know me way too well...I was like, 'it can wait till after you run!' but then I knew it couldn't. :) And considering I think I pretty much single-handedly stopped this from spreading (of which I am very proud!), I think I made the right decision. :D (And I ran afterward anyway so everyone wins!)

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