Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Yahoo! Offers Wall-to-Wall Coverage of Jake's Head Five Days After It Was Relevant

It is America's greatest website:

Keeping in mind that this story broke on THIS website - the most lackadaisical of all Jake blogs in the entire world - last Friday, this is an actual screenshot of the current top story on Yahoo's homepage.  ("Not a hair on his head"?  I think those lusciously-tweezed eyebrows might have something to say about that...)

Yahoo's utterly worthless video dissection of Jake's hair loss can be found HERE.  And never, ever let it be said that I don't bring you the most important coverage about Jake coverage on the internet on the internet.  (Likewise, don't act like that sentence didn't make sense.)


Friday, April 22, 2011

Insert Your Own Gay Porn Fantasy Here

Well, that was fast!  Seems like only yesterday we found out Jake signed on to End of Watch (a movie I know nothing about except that it involves police-people) and now here he is, all skinhead-y and packing heat! 

This movie is due out in 2013, but since the world is going to end in 2012, we will never see it, which is why this picture is the best thing that's going to happen to you this Friday.

This picture comes to us courtesy of E!Online, which comes to us courtesy of mayumintolor. :)


Monday, April 18, 2011

Seth Rogen Still Can't Figure Out What the Hell Donnie Darko is About

And he is not afraid to tell this Jake Gyllenhaal character all about it.

Well, chums, it's a milestone day in the life of your brilliant author, who has an announcement to make:  She's sold out.

After five years, over 1500 posts across eight blogs, and somewhere in the region of 3 million page views, she has finally...decided to accept monetary compensation for this blogging thing.  Truth be told, she feels a little weird about it but her unemployment benefits run out this week and what's a layabout with no direction in life to do?

ISJ and my other blog will remain unaffected, but I do want to pimp out the new site to you because it's actually quite exciting!  In about a month, a site called How's the Living will be launched; it'll be a place for college students to rank and discuss dorms and campus housing options.  The intrepid entrepreneurs who are launching it got their start-up money by winning an MTV contest and in the midst of all the crazy promotion before the site launches, they want a fun blog (for hype) and who does "fun blog" like me, RIGHT?

I suggest you check it out because a) it's me, what more could you want; b) you could actually win things as the month progresses and that's always a good time; and c) the site itself is probably going to be huge and it will give you the illusion of coolness if you can say later in life that you knew about it before it even launched.  You're welcome in advance.


Now back to your regularly scheduled weird pictures of Jake:


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Posts from Source Code Week that I Forgot to Publish

Jon Stewart + Jake Gyllenhaal is an equation in which the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and that whole is greater than all other wholes EXCEPT the whole formed when the sum is Jon Stewart + Brian Williams.  (Note to any newcomers:  This is a very intellectual blog.)  But when Jake Gyllenhaal was announced as Jon Stewart's Daily Show guest on Facebook two weeks ago, some of the commenters weren't excited!  Because they are dumb.

These are things that people actually wrote, two weeks ago, under their real names, on the internet, about Jake being on The Daily Show:

"Getting Conan's sloppy seconds, are we?"

"Wurdz word of the day is Circulate! Say the word Circulate out loud and you are able to hear the word Sir for 1 point. Tell me the other words you can hear in Circulate for additional points."

"Wait ...ya mean a more action filled Donnie Darko...starring....Donnie Darko?"

"i dont know, darko vs prince?"

"Donny darko in the flesh"

"And its Donnie darko"

"Jake? No, I think you mean Toby McGuire will be on the show. Wait yeah Jake. No, it's Toby. I'm not sure actually. I can't tell them apart. They both think acting has something to do with boring the audience till they fall asleep."

"How many bad movies can a man make? Ice Storm was the last good one.

"Ha ha,,I remember years back Jon told his audience not to go and see Jake's movie about NYC being destroyed by ocean waves!" [Yeah, I'm sure this person just happened to remember this.  Stop stealing from my blog, bitch.]

"He was in that movie that turned me gay."

"Why Jake!!??Why did you dump Taylor Swift!?Don't make all your new women pay for Reese's sins!!!...By the way I loved Love and other drugs.

"I hope he is shirtless." 

OH THE MASSES. They should all be mocked for their insolence and poor grammar.


Friday, April 8, 2011

Waving While Wearing Dark Clothing: A Study in Versatility


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Am Now Incredibly Famous!

Oh, wait, you already knew that. Alright, I am now incredibly cool. Damn, that's not news, either...

Well, I am now on television all the freaking time and that's something new so there.

Thanks to Clarabel, we now have visual confirmation that yours truly (represented below in the form of the url of this website) has shared the screen with Jake Gyllenhaal, which is essentially the same as if I made a movie with him, so yes, that's right Academy, I am now soliciting your nominations: 

The pop-up, which aired during ITV2's Movie Show segment on Source Code (watch it here if you're in the UK), reads:

"Fact!  Die hard fans of Jake refer to themselves as Gyllenhaalics and regularly visit  We're pretty much on there every day!"

Does this count as my first corporate sponsorship?  Absolutely not, but I'm going to claim it anyway.

GODDAMN it is good to be me.

Thank you, Clarabel!!!


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Source Code Review (Spoiler Free): The Boy Done Good

The first thing I did when I came home from seeing Source Code was look up reviews and read only the bad ones.  There weren't many - and the ones that are out there are mostly similar in their critiques (of which some I agree with and some I don't) - but satisfied that I hadn't missed anything major in my assessment of it, I decided to proceed with my own review as if I hadn't read anyone else's.

Source Code is pretty damn good.  I liked it.  

And I could leave it at that, actually.  But I won't...  (It's me, after all.  I'm bombastic and wordy when it comes to reviewing Jake movies.)

Look, you may not know this about me, but I kinda like this Jake Gyllenhaal.  Yeah, he and his entire family and everyone associated with him - personally and professionally - has been pretty douche-y to me for the past five fucking years, but he's like an old friend that I still run into from time to time.  I've earned the right to give him shit but I don't wish him any ill will.  I want him to succeed.  It was hard for me to watch his last two movies collapse under the weight of their own stupidity the way they did. 

As I drove up to the theater yesterday, I had a surreal moment of contemplation, the same that I had when Zodiac came out (the first Jake movie released after I started blogging about him) but haven't had since:  This is what it's all about.  We all sit around and talk about him, write about him, speculate about him, but we're here because he makes movies.  And when he has a film out, none of us are any different than the people sharing the theater with us.  Everyone in the room has paid the same amount to be entertained.  There's something so mystically satisfying about that, about sitting in a dark room with strangers and entering a new world.  The people in the theater with me no more knew that I was "Prophecy Girl" than I knew anything about them; when the lights dim, it stops being about any of us and our personal interests and it starts being about the communal human experience of enjoying a story.

This is what he is paid to do.  This is why we are all here.  And at the risk of offending some (many?) of you, he doesn't always come through.  Sometimes you can see him "acting."  Sometimes the story is shitty.  Sometimes all of us are confronted with the undeniable truth that Jake Gyllenhaal isn't an actor who can draw an audience.  He can draw us, but we're the exception.  We're emotionally involved.   The vast majority of humanity isn't.  The vast majority of those who were involved after Brokeback Mountain, even, isn't.

Source Code wasn't perfect.  There were moments when it didn't flow and moments when I thought that Jake, great as I think he is, has yet to grow into his charisma.  It's the same complaint I've always had:  He rarely makes me believe this is what he wants out of life.  It can feel as if I'm looking through him when he's on screen.  The same nagging doubts have followed me ever since I learned (in my Jake-driven youth) that he's often cold to fans.  Why? I wondered.  Why be a movie star if you don't like attention from your audience?  (Isn't that the whole point?)  Why act if in doing it you're merely going through the motions?  Why is it, exactly, that he does this? 

Source Code is a good story.  But it's not impeccable.  It makes you think, but it won't change your worldview.  And Jake is excellent, but excellent for him has yet match the excellence of the top echelon of Hollywood.

I know why he's a hard sell as a leading man.  But right now, I'm proud of him.  He did well.  He entertained me.  And I'm about as hard of a critic as he's going to get... 


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