Friday, October 7, 2011

Today in Jake Watch History

As things grind to a halt around here, what with my focus being on things other than Jake and everyone else's focus also being on things other than Jake, I wanted to share some of the posts that made Jake Watch (the blog that preceded this one and that inspired my book) the unique, hilarious, and groundbreaking piece of internet art that it was.

Here's a post from October 7, 2006, written by the incomparable britpopbaby:


You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.

1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.

2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:

Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No. 2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No. 2. What's her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.

3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No. 1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No. 1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.


Becky Heineke October 7, 2011 at 5:37 PM  

I think that made me laugh just as much this time around as it did the first time I read it. Hats off to brits (and WOW on that being five years ago).

Te Of Bieber October 7, 2011 at 5:48 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
tankergirl October 7, 2011 at 5:50 PM  

HaHaHa!! I remember this like it was yesterday. Every picture is so familiar! This was such a groundbreaking snarky fangirl blog.

S4M985,  October 7, 2011 at 6:11 PM  

hahaha that was brilliant what a perfect start to my day :) Thanks so much Becky!!

Boy we were onto things wernt we ;) No wonder he doesnt get up to anything these days, he probably learnt its not worth it with JW agents still hanging around...

Anonymous,  October 8, 2011 at 5:19 PM  

FYI Jake was spotted at the Organic Ave Boutique. I think the Vegans have converted Jake (oh the horrors ;)

solis,  October 9, 2011 at 6:01 AM  

Thanks Becky!

This post makes me laugh out loud and it makes my day much better then to expect.

@Anonymous: Hope they DON´T get him at least. ;)

greetings from german-fanbase

ATD October 10, 2011 at 3:20 PM  

Ah distant memories, and just as funny this time round.

Right all you "old time" Jake watchers, what with advancing years and all that my memory isn't all that it used to be, so I need your help in trying to recall something.

There was a point where a number of us got caught up in all the slashfic that was going around on LJ, and I was hoping one of you good people could remember who was the author of a piece titled Shades of Grey.... anyone....?

coffeecat October 10, 2011 at 4:27 PM  

Oh I LOVED "Shades of Gray"!! I believe it was by midwest girl. She was going to rewrite the story and try to get it published, so she may have taken the story down from LJ. I think she finished it but I'm not sure.

I had SO much fun creating photos for the story - I got very carried away - "Somebody stop me!!" LOL

KD,  October 11, 2011 at 2:19 AM  

Best post in ages. I love this. Only you can make Jake even mildly interesting. It's like you put peanuts and hot fudge on the blandest vanilla ice cream sold!! :)

Becky Heineke October 11, 2011 at 7:28 AM  

^^^ I try. :) But in this case, full credit goes to britpopbaby!! This one was all her!

ATD, SHADES OF GRAY! GOD, I was obsessed with that story. It updated every Thursday at 10:00 am...I would be jumping out of my seat in anticipation. That was such a fun time in the fan world...

Anyway, yes, CC is right, it was midwestgirl, and she did rewrite it and get it published - maybe someone here can direct us to the link?? I'm pretty sure I have the original story saved somewhere on my hard drive, so just let me know if you want me to go searching for it. :)

coffeecat October 11, 2011 at 8:28 AM  

Oh she got published?! What's the book? Have you read it? Let me know please!

ATD October 11, 2011 at 12:20 PM  

Thanks Guys, you are still as awesome as ever - well, we always knew there was nothing that could beat the Jake Watch agents :)

The reason I was asking is that I was chatting to a friend who was raving about a book he'd recently finished reading called, Zero at the Bone - now I remembered that one from the LJ days, it was by Mad Lori, and is now published under the pen name of Jane Seville.

He then went on to talk about another by the same author - Shades of Grey, and I was sure that was by Midwest Girl as you have all confirmed. I too loved SoG and so want to get hold of a copy but can't find it anywhere :(

Becky Heineke October 12, 2011 at 2:06 PM  

I know there were a few of us who bought the rewritten version. I'm wracking my brains trying to remember the publisher or even where to start looking. I'll keep thinking...

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