Sunday, January 30, 2011

Our First Glimpse of Taylor's Replacement...

HAHAHA ONLY KIDDING GUYS, so, you know, don't send me any hate mail and/or homoerotic RP slash (depending of which type of Jake fan you are).  It was a cheap shot, I know, but using deceptive headlines is how I get Twitter people to click over.  I'm not above manipulating people for my own short-term gain.

ANYWAY, young Master Gyllenhaal appears to be going through one of those periods in which he remembers he has a dog...

...and (as if that weren't enough!) here is Jake walking amongst trash cans:

And all of this is happening mere days after he walked around in a parking garage carrying a paper bag:

BASICALLY, it's official:  Jake is interesting again.  Fact.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Source Code Poster: An Analysis by a Seasoned Head Transplanter

No one in the history of the universe has put Jake Gyllenhaal's head on a more varied number of bodies than I have.  Really!  This is something I can legitimately claim as an accomplishment in my life.  A not-even-remotely-close-to-being-comprehensive list of examples:

Etc, ad nauseum.

And as a seasoned head transplanter - and specifically a seasoned head transplanter of Jake Gyllenhaal - something struck me about the recently unveiled Source Code poster:

And that is that even if Jake's head HASN'T been transplanted here, this is still a way worse poster than the first one we saw:

OH SOURCE CODE.  Please be an awesome movie.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Because I love anniversaries...

Fun story (which, actually, I may have already told)...I wrote this blog for two months before its hits surpassed those of Jake Watch.  Not the hits Jake Watch got in its prime (God help us all if I ever experience the joy of writing to an audience that big again), but the hits Jake Watch gets now.  Crazy!

And you know what's even crazier?  After all of that work, after I finally topped the Jake Watch audience, I lost it again!  The Prophecy Girl of four to five years ago (!) is back to being significantly more popular than the Prophecy Girl of today.

Or at least she is in the Jake world.  But back in the day, Prophecy Girl wrote about things other than Jake, too.  I mentioned a while back that I was going to start a new blog and despite the many long weeks in which I didn't follow through with that promise, I can now direct you to the newest addition to Becky Heineke's Online Empire:  The B Channel.  I waited until today to "launch" because today is an anniversary of sorts (as mentioned in my inaugural post), but the downside is that it's my birthday weekend and for once in my life I actually have plans so I likely won't begin blogging in earnest until next week.

As for this dear blog, it will continue exactly as it has been, which is to say that when I have something to post here, I'll post it!  (But no, I'm not going to post about Jake and Taylor "maybe" getting back together.)

Um, that is my entire announcement.  Here, have some Pensive Jake:


Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Just saying.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Real Conversations with Becky

I'm sitting in my parents' living room yesterday when I hear my phone ring in the other room.  It's the ringtone I have set for our family only, and Mom and Dad are right here so...

Becky:  It must be John!

I jump up to get my phone out of my purse.  Mom and Dad follow me.

Becky:  What's up?

John:  Hey, what are you doing?

Becky:  I'm at the house, talking to Mom and Dad.

John:  Oh, well --

Phone goes dead.

Becky:  John.  John?

Mom:  If you guys need to talk in private, we'll leave.

Becky:  No, it's not that --

Mom and Dad leave the room anyway.  John's voice comes back on the line.

John:  [unintelligible] Jake Gyllenhaal.

Becky:  What?

John:  How old is Jake Gyllenhaal?

Becky:  Uh, thirty.

John:  Huh.


John:  And he's dating Taylor Swift?

Becky:  Was.  They broke up.

John:  Huh.  Must be an old tabloid then.

More silence.  Then I hear him say to someone in the background, "He's thirty!  And they broke up!"

John:  How old is Taylor Swift?

Becky:  She just turned twenty-one.

John reports this information to whomever he's talking to.

John (deeply contemplating):  Taylor Swift...


John:  Don't you think that's...WEIRD?!

Becky:  You have no idea.

After a couple of more minutes, we say goodbye.  I go back into the living room.  My parents have heard only the numbers "thirty" and "twenty-one" from my side of the conversation.

Dad:  Was that about Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift?

Becky:  Yes.  Yes, it was.

This has been a real conversation with Becky.

(And to the surprise of no one, no, Jake did not win the Golden Globe last night.)


Friday, January 14, 2011

Today in History...

One year ago today, I lost my job.

Five years ago today, I saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time.

In terms of the impact had on my life as a whole, losing my job has a ways to go before it catches up with Brokeback...


Monday, January 10, 2011

BREAKING: People Continue to Find Blurry Subway Pictures of Jake Fascinating

To the blinding joy of mankind as a whole, Jake Gyllenhaal was on a subway one time (last week) and a fellow passenger had the foresight to snap his picture and then share it with the entire internet.

Considering the excitement that picture stirred, it is no wonder that when another picture surfaced mere days later, even those outside of the Jake fan community found it difficult to contain the deep emotion that was stirred by such a riveting sight.

What follows is a sample of actual comments from around the internet about this latest subway pic:

"Ugh. He's doing a pole lean. I hate pole leaners. He's too good to share the pole with others? Does he even realize that he's taking up a good 18" of pole space?  It might be fairly empty so the offense is somewhat dismissed. But still. I hate him more now."

"Ugh . . . take off your sunglasses, you are indoors."

"Oh yes! Oh fucking yes!"

"Oh yes. Oh fucking yes."

Re previous quote:  "Jinx!!" 

"Why haven't we gathered with pitchforks and torches in search of Jake's Brooklyn residence?"

"I would have Taylored myself to make him Swiftly turn his gaze on me."

"I'd Gyll en his haal, that's for sure.

"HE'S SO NORMAL AND PERFECT AND DREAMY."  (Editor's note:  I would agree with one of those adjectives.)

"knows how to pull off a backpack!

"that makes him even sexier than he already is"

"If I had been on that Q train, I would've never gotten off of it for the rest of my life."

"Hot and cool at the same time. Mmmm. But he looks so vulnerable and exposed doing this. [...] I get the feeling there's something going on with Jake--soul searching, healing wounds, that kind of thing. A lot of his contemporaries (Ryan Gosling, Natalie Portman, James Franco, Michelle Williams) are doing really well, in big films, with nominations and awards. Maybe there's some professional jealousy or career confusion going on."

"Couldn't someone have the decency to get up and give him their seat? What is wrong with this city."

"Sweet backpack, loser!"

Re previous quote:  "Yeah man, look at that fucking piece of shit nerd using that sensible portable device to carrying objects in without opening himself up to the possibility of spinal curvature. What a total asshole."

"I just let out an audible gasp, and now I'm really mad that I missed this."

"lol at bum sleeping next to him, oblivious to the sex god casually standing inches away from him."

"i'm starting a fan club for the 'guy in the yellow hoodie'"

"I might've fainted if i was there..."

"the sunglasses give it away..."

"Why is he wearing that stupid man suit?"

"you all need a life "

Sources:  one, two, three, four, five, six, seven  (There are over 2 million results when you Google "jake gyllenhaal subway."  Things such as this are the reason why, in the early days, I assumed that the news that I had written a book featuring him would spread quickly.  But no.  Absolutely nothing.  One blurry subway picture, though?  GOLD.)


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Jake and Taylor: IT'S OVER. And Really, Why Did Any of Us Care to Begin With?

How ironic that in yesterday's post, I commented on the slowness of the news when, in fact, the news was not slow at all!  On the contrary, it was yesterday that the story broke that sizzling celebrity duo Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift - whose whirlwind romance lasted somewhere between eight weeks and never - had reportedly split.

I did not know this because I honestly didn't check my Jake news before I put up that post.  I just made the assumption that nothing was going on because I was being lazy.  Truly, the odds are just not with the average Jake blogger on a day to day basis when it comes to things of alleged interest to report on...  So I missed this one.  I admit it.  And me?  Autocompleting on Google?  Arguably more unexpected than this development in Jake's love life.  Scratch that.  Definitely more unexpected.  Who would have ever thought my MySpace blog would rank above Jake Watch in terms of search options???????

Anyway.  I spent a lot of time during Jake and Taylor's short-lived romance ruthlessly mocking it and making the kinds of scathing comments that only I can get away with.  I thought about writing a relationship retrospective today so we could take a look back at the ups (apple-picking) and the downs (US Weekly, helicopters) but...who the hell cares?  It was dumb from start to finish, it was boring from start to finish, and it did nothing but make you guys fight with each other from start to finish.  And now, regardless of which side of the fence you were on before, it's bequeathed upon us a communal embarrassment that it's over so quickly.

On Jake Watch, we had a very strict no tolerance rule when it came to gossip, and I could count on one hand the number of posts we wrote that even indirectly referred to Jake's private life.  Part of that was because we were trying to do the right thing...but part of it was because we knew that talking about his personal business usually led to strong and not-always-healthy emotional responses from his fans.

But this blog is not Jake Watch.  And the longer I'm around, the less concerned I am about the reactions of others and the more interested I am in writing about what I want to write about.  That's why I wrote about these two to begin with. 

What I'm realizing as I sit here, though, is that I never actually cared.  They were just something to talk about.  That's all.  Most of the time (as hinted at above) there isn't anything to talk about, and so I talked about them because it was a subject I was capable of expanding upon.  But now that we don't have them anymore, we'll go back to trying to find interest in things that aren't interesting.  In tired interviews, in relentlessly mundane paparazzi pictures, in endless (and groundless) speculation about new movies and new women.  It's exhausting me just thinking about it.

In the very near future, I'm going to start a new blog.  I'm by no means abandoning this one, but I am going to be more realistic about it.  Half of you hate that I don't write more about Jake and the other half only tolerate my current subject matter because you're too nice to tell me you'd rather read about something else.  And all I know is that when I got the news of this breakup, I felt obligated to write about it.  But I really didn't want to.  And look at that, I (kind of) didn't.

So (details and further explanation to follow) I'm moving on to the next thing.  Just like Jake and Taylor did, apparently sometime last month...


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Hey, I'm Slightly More Famous Than I Used to Be!

I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has searched for me online in the past few months.  Granted, we haven't gotten my last name right quite yet, but as the product of my self-absorbed and technologically-obsessed generation, discovering that I now autocomplete on Google has been the highlight of my day.

AT LONG LAST.  The stalker becomes the stalkee...

(These are slow news days, indeed.)


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