Jake Takes Up Boxing Career, Calls Himself "The Kid"

This boxing thing is only the latest in a long line of alternate careers that have been hidden from the public until now, as IHJ's continued archive-diving brings to light new depths and hairstyles we have hitherto been wholly ignorant of.

In fact, things we thought had no way of being improved upon are being improved upon.  Like here, we have this new picture of the VERY SOCKS THAT INSPIRED SOCK WATCH:

Gripping, commanding, knee-high...even after all these years, those socks can still take my breath away...

(Speaking of Jake Watch, it recently came to my attention that roughly 65% of the posts over there were no longer visible.  Five hours of updating Blogger later, I think we're good to go. :))

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SOCK WATCH: EXTENDED EDITION

Usually we jump straight to the main event, BUT NOT TODAY.  Today we take it just a little slower.  Jake knows we know he's got some sock for us, but he's taking his time, not giving it all up in the first picture...

Or even the second...

And now that the anticipation level is out of control (*deep breath*), here we go:

• COLOR:  A deceptively-light gray (the less experienced may mistake it for white)
• TYPE:  Snug fit, possibly ribbed but inconclusive with the photograph quality at hand
• HEIGHT:  Lower than I usually go for, but it's been so long that hell, I'll take whatever I can get
• OVERALL STATUS:  Sufficiently satisfying after the drawn-out reveal...

New-old pics from 2009.

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ISJ's World Cup Coverage! (Because This Year, The U.S. Cares.)

The United States is trying a new thing this year.  We're "caring" about "soccer," a sport the rest of the world inexplicably refers to as "football" (which is just ridiculous because everyone knows "football" is a game where you carry an inflated oblong shape in your hands).

So what does this have to do with Jake?

Well, as we all know (or maybe don't), Jake Gyllenhaal is quite the athlete.  He hangs out at gyms:

He attends sporting events:

He's fond of athletic socks:

He's even been known to hang out in France with people who make their living performing feats of inhuman endurance:

And did you know that Jake presented an award at the ESPYs one year?  He did!  What's more athletic than that?

And of course there was that time in GQ magazine when he said that in his youth he loved soccer more than his family...

So if I had to guess what Jake might be doing today starting at 2pm/1pm Central while ABC shows the match between the U.S. and England, I...wouldn't have the faintest idea. 

But I'll be watching the World Cup!  So suck it, England.  You may be the nation that invented whatever the hell that "offside" thing is, but we're the nation that gave the world this:

USA!  USA! 

Soccer fan from HERE.

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Agent Wins Merit Badge for Exceptional Sock Research

ISJ's very own randomhero2006 has gone above and beyond the call of duty and made the rest of you look like lazy slackers.  After conducting extensive research of Jake's ankle region, she has concluded, with 100% accuracy and certainty, that Jake Gyllenhaal was wearing socks yesterday.

This is crucial to our understanding of Jake, and leads to the proudest moment in the past two years of my life.  So, without any further ado, I present to you:

 SOCK WATCH: COMEBACK EDITION

 

• COLOR:  Shoe-complementing muddy gray (perhaps with hidden stripes?)
• TYPE:  Brimming with wholesome, cottony goodness
• HEIGHT:  Unacceptably low
• OVERALL STATUS:  Disappointing to the point of humiliating 

In conclusion, Jake Gyllenhaal is not unattractive because he doesn't wear socks, he's unattractive because he doesn't wear socks people can see.

*******

If you would like to win an ISJ! Merit Badge, then just do something at least as awesome as figuring out whether or not Jake was wearing socks in a paparazzi picture.  Rest assured your efforts will be rewarded.

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Jake Continues to Hit On Women Who Have No Interest In Him

Poor Jake Gyllenhaal.  He just has no luck with the ladies!  By now we've all seen the tragic video in which he tries -- and fails -- to woo the exotic international set with his smoking dance moves.  And then there's his hair, which causes the opposite sex to flee from him in horror. 

But now it's come to Jake approaching random women in parking lots and not taking the hint:

Jake totally does not know who this woman is.  He just saw her and decided to go for it.  But after he approaches, she tells him with her expression to leave her damn dry cleaning alone, the big oaf.

So hard to watch!  'God, look at how wrinkled his hoodie is,' this woman is thinking.  'I've got to get my clothes the hell away from him.'

Jake's been thinking about it the whole time, but now he decides to man up and press this button, the function of which we bystanders can only guess at...

 

"Seriously, go away," the woman says.  So Jake doesn't press the button.  His confused expression suggests he is finally understanding that this might not be going well.

At last the woman starts running frantically away and Jake hastens to catch up and give her her clothes back before sprinting from the scene.

DE-NIED, Gyllenhaal.  

So what is it about Jake that caused this woman to be so revolted?  What is it in general that's causing his bad luck of late?  Well, until I saw these pictures, I couldn't be entirely sure, but now my worst fears have been confirmed.  It's not the dancing.  It's not the hair.  It's two words of extreme importance and it explains everything that's going wrong with Jake these days.

Take a good look at those ankles, my friends.  

 NO SOCKS.

Today's post is brought to you by PG's Dashed Hopes For A Sock Watch. :(

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