RULES FOR STALKING JAKE GYLLENHAAL

RULE #1:  Positioning is everything.  Just remember that if you hit the jackpot of stalking positioning - like, say, nabbing a seat next to Jake at a Lakers game - try not to freak out too much.  (We'll discuss the downside of panicking later.)

RULE #2:  When in doubt, improvise.  If you are forced into a less than desirable viewing position, make it work for you.  Even if what you've got is the back of his head, it's still the back of Jake's head.

RULE #3:  What's that?  A distraction?  For those less comfortable with staring even when Jake is faced 180 degrees in the opposite direction, your moment will come.  Just give it time, and always be ready to sneak a glance when everyone is looking at something else.

RULE #4:  Have you planted yourself directly in front of him?  Well done.  Wait until his attention is elsewhere and then turn around and stare, stare, STARE.

RULE #5:  Generally, contact should be avoided (you're stalking him, not befriending him), but if you can't help yourself, just remember DO NOT CROWD HIM.

It could get uncomfortable.  But nothing is as uncomfortable as being caught in the act.

RULE #6:  Has Jake caught someone stalking him?  Don't assume it's you (it's always foolish to assume you're the only stalker in the building).  PLAY IT COOL.  Don't panic. 

Didn't realize the Asian dude was also a stalker?  No one did until he gave himself away by freaking out.  Poor guy...he was doing so well that no one suspected him even with his huge-ass camera (see second picture above) and outrageously careful floor-level positioning.

But he blew it and now he just looks sad...

Meanwhile, the blonde chick who got a little excited earlier but then kept her cool when things got tense?

STILL IN THE GAME.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Read more...