Sunday, October 23, 2011

Onward and Upward!

It's Homecoming weekend at Rhodes College.

And the bookstore is currently carrying ONLY THE BEST in alumni-penned books.

This blog, of course, exists to promote that book (though understandably casual passersby often mistake it for promoting Jake himself), and as I reach the end of my marketing potential through Jake fans, and as I continue to close in on finishing a second book, this blog just isn't getting the attention from me it once did.

But I will continue to post on the schedule that I have been, i.e., when something strikes me, there will be a post.  Because of a recent discussion in the comments though, I wanted to address something...

I have a lot of affection for Jake Gyllenhaal.  I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't.  But my reputation outside of this small community is suspect at best, which I think partly comes from a misunderstanding about my feelings toward him and a misunderstanding of why I wrote the book that I did.

Jake's human.  I'm human.  I've made many mistakes over my career as a fan, and he's made just as many in his role as a celebrity.  Being able to talk about that, being realistic about what fame/popularity does to a person, and being open about disappointments - from all sides - that's what I'm all about.  Jake was part of my journey into adulthood.  That's why I wrote the book.  It's not about exposing his flaws or settling scores with other bloggers; it's about me growing up a little over the course of a celebrity crush.

And maybe one of the biggest mistakes I've made through this whole process was assuming that the people who currently have a crush on him would want to read about how my personal experience shaped me.

But for all of you who get it, and get me, (because I don't say it enough) thank you for reading. :)


Monday, October 10, 2011

Peter Sarsgaard Is *Not Happy* About Jake's New Look

(^^^Look at the rage on this man's face!!!!!)

Fat load of good it did.  Jake still showed up to the NYC Film Festival looking like a fucking hipster:

The dude has a neatly-trimmed beard, follows Mumford and Sons around the country, and spends all of his money on unpronounceable coffee-like beverages.  I love Sarsgaard and all, but he should have been angry about Jake being a hipster long before those ridiculous glasses showed up...


Friday, October 7, 2011

Today in Jake Watch History

As things grind to a halt around here, what with my focus being on things other than Jake and everyone else's focus also being on things other than Jake, I wanted to share some of the posts that made Jake Watch (the blog that preceded this one and that inspired my book) the unique, hilarious, and groundbreaking piece of internet art that it was.

Here's a post from October 7, 2006, written by the incomparable britpopbaby:


You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.

1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.

2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:

Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No. 2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No. 2. What's her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.

3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No. 1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No. 1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.


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