Showing posts with label turn me on dead man. Show all posts
Showing posts with label turn me on dead man. Show all posts

Monday, August 16, 2010

Jake Gyllenhaal Conclusively Confirmed to be Alive...OR IS HE?


Remember when Jake "died" last week?

In November of 1966, Paul McCartney died in a car crash and the other Beatles covered up his death and replaced him with a look-alike.  But they felt guilty about their deception, so they placed increasingly elaborate clues in songs and on album covers to alert the public to the truth.

The first clue?  On their first album after his death (Sgt. Pepper), the Beatles all had mustaches.  This was a diversionary tactic so no one would notice that "Paul" was a replacement.

Friends all growing facial hair?  Hmmm...sounds familiar...


The Beatles were also big on color symbolism.  "Paul" was holding a black instrument on the cover of Sgt. Pepper, black being the traditional color of mourning in the West.  He was also wearing black on the cover of Abbey Road.  John, meanwhile, wore white, the traditional color of mourning in the East.

And now "Jake" is spotted surrounded by yellow.


Yellow?  YELLOW?!  It's only the EGYPTIAN COLOR OF MOURNING.


Lastly, "Paul" hadn't been photographed for a very long time while he was busy being replaced and all.  And now we get these, only the second set of pictures of Jake we've seen since the end of June.



Suspicious?  VERY.  Next thing we know we'll be playing "Jake's" interviews backwards and hearing all sorts of things...

More pics from yesterday HERE!

Read more...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear Twitter, Jake Gyllenhaal is Not Dead So Shut the Fuck Up.

Twitter, the social networking site made "popular" by celebrities, Republicans, and whiny, emo teenagers (i.e. the three least likely groups on Earth to be in touch with reality), has made a name for itself by spreading dumb rumors about people dying when they haven't.

Twitter's latest victim is popular, blue-eyed American Jake Gyllenhaal.

ARRRGHHH.  So much death rumor fail going on here.

FIRST:  Time of death is so secondary to cause of death.  Whoever came up with this rumor should be banned from Twitter. 

SECOND:  OH WAIT.  I think we know who started this rumor, llindacrystal, who is terrible.  Everybody spam this bitch.

THIRD:  Notice Jake is not trending.
Which means he's not even getting any free publicity out of this.

Much like the people who impersonate him on Twitter, the people who start death rumors about Jake on Twitter are TERRIBLE at their jobs.  The end.

And also, don't worry.

 He's alive!

Read more...

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