Prophecy Girl Live Blogs Jake on The Daily Show!

Look, it's my two favorite Gyllenhaal men at the L.A. premiere of Source Code!  I am 100% positive that this picture depicts them lamenting the fact that I did not win the ACLU auction which would have granted me access to this event.  Both Jake and Stephen are VERY BIG FANS of mine and I'm sure they were shocked/disappointed to show up and find that I was not in attendance.

It really isn't a party unless I'm there...

But I'm here now, which can only mean one thing:  Daily Show party. 

By the way, this is a direct transcript of the closer from last night's Daily Show:

Jon Stewart:  "That's our show.  Join us tomorrow night at 11:00; Jake Gyllenhaal will be our guest, with his team of.."

Audience Member:  "Awww."

Jon Stewart:  "Really?  Awww?  You just saw...you just saw a guy that in five years is going to have paralyzed people walking down a fucking street, and you're upset...you're upset 'cause you didn't get to see the Prince of Persia?"

Just when I think it is not humanly possible for me to love Jon Stewart more...

And here we go!

10:01 - Jon informs us that we are about to watch a very exciting show!  Jake Gyllenhaal's "future wife" is in the audience and "she's almost of legal age."  Oh, really?  His future wife?  How interesting.  Let's see...do I have any advice for this young lass?  Yes.  Yes, I do.  My advice is:  Stuff it, bitch, and talk to me when you've written a book and spent five years of your life promoting his sorry ass all over the internet, 'kay? 

10:14 - How awesome would it be if we could merge John Hodgman and Jake Gyllenhaal into one formidably hilarious/attractive man-person...OH GOD DID I TYPE THAT OUT LOUD?

10:20 - Source Code ad.  That's timely.

10:21:  Source Code clip.  And it's a new one!  Jake looks very confused.  Probably because of all of the music being pumped into his ears.  (Then again, sometimes his face just looks like that.)

10:22 - Why, it's Jake Gyllenhaal!  What a surprise!

10:22 - Jake buttons, unbuttons, sits down, stands up, sits down.  And with each movement he makes, his voice goes up an octave.  Jon notes this and then Jake begins repeating everything Jon says, word-for-word.  You know, watching it, it didn't seem so bad, but writing it out like that makes Jake seem really damn annoying.

10:22 - "This movie looks very good," says Jon Stewart, with genuine surprise in his voice.

10:23 - Jake claims that he has actually been hosting The Daily Show because he's in the Source Code or something.  I feel like perhaps this level of comedy is too cerebral for the people in the audience who just learned what this movie was about sixteen seconds ago.

10:23 - OH MY GOD, that "future wife" girl is getting pimped out by Jon Stewart. 

10:24 - Apparently, during the pre-show banter with Jon (which Prophecy Girl remembers well from that one time she was in the audience of The Daily Show - see I'm Stalking Jake! The Book for more), this girl asked the question, "Will Jake Gyllenhaal marry me?"

10:24 - Jake says...he'll think about it.  Wait!  What?!  NO!  You say NO to that girl, Jake!  You shoot her down and crush her dreams!  That's the Jake Gyllenhaal way!

10:24 - Jon starts asking Jake a lot of personal questions about his love life and Jake dodges each and every one the way only Jake can.  (This is why people think he's gay.)  (That, and because Ted Casablanca has based the past six years of his career around it.)

10:24 (still) - Because Jon can't let it go, he asks Jake if he's ever fallen in love at first sight.  (Um, obviously not because he's seen me.)  Jake says that he did one time.  The moment he was born.  With his mother.  The audience seems to think that's cute instead of being somewhat weird and uncomfortable.

10:25 - Oh, wait.  Jon Stewart thinks it's somewhat weird and uncomfortable.  "My guess is that's because she let you get to second base."  BAM.

10:25 - More standing and buttoning.  Then they talk some about the water in Jake's coffee mug and I guess a pipe blew in the studio...  Blah, blah...

10:26 - Back to Source Code!  Oh, wait.  No.  Back to Prince of Persia.  My God, the look on Jake's face when he hears that Jon has been playing the video game with his son...it's the look of a man who thinks his movie based on that very video game should not have bombed the way it did.

10:27 - Hey, let's talk about Ubisoft and Montreal like that has anything to do with anything.

10:27 - Back to Source Code!  Oh, wait.  No.  Back to basketball.

10:27 - Earlier today, I thought about writing up a drinking game for this interview, with the only rule being to down an entire beer in one gulp when Jon and Jake started talking about sports.  Had I gone through with it, I would have been chugging right about now.

10:27 - Jake mentions that he was on Conan the other night and called him the "Abraham Lincoln of talk show hosts."  I wrote it down when he said it but, in editing my recap, I didn't really think it was worth including.  In a similar fashion, I'm not sure it's worth including that he calls Jon Stewart the "Spud Webb of talk show hosts," because I don't know who that is.

10:28 - Jon calls Jake the "Jake Gyllenhaal of movies" and that is the best way to end an interview ever.

HOT DAMN.  My shoulder's all cramped up now over all that typing whilst looking over at the television.  It is a hard, hard life that I lead...

As a reminder:  Jake will be on Good Morning, America tomorrow AND Live with Regis and Kelly.  I will not be live blogging those, but I'm probably good for a YouTube video later on (provided these things make it to YouTube)...

ALSO, important announcement for those in the UK:  Please watch The Movie Show tomorrow (Thursday) on ITV2 at 16:10!  And pay very close attention to the pop-ups.  And then come back here and excitedly tell me all about it. :)

The Daily Show - Jake Gyllenhaal
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

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Prophecy Girl Live Blogs Jake on Conan!

This should be extra-exciting because I have yet to watch Conan on his new network/time!  This is what happens when "hip" television personalities are pitted against The Daily Show.  Us youth voters become confused and just start going to bed early...

Hey, here's an unrelated recent picture of Jake looking strapping and masculine because instead of tying his shirt around his waist, like a pansy ass would, he's slung it over his shoulder, like a real man:

AREN'T YOU EXCITED FOR THIS LIVE BLOG?!

Here we go.

10:00 - Oops, I missed the first part because I was watching the tail end of The Soup on E!  Oh, that Joel McHale.  Always good for a giggle.

10:01 - Last of opening credits.  Thank God Jake is actually going to be on.  (Otherwise this blog could get awkward.)

10:07 - A new study finds that women start to feel old at 29.  For men, that age is 58.  As a twenty-nine-year-old female, I am now sad about society.  And I feel old.

10:12 - Conan admits that he never said that this was going to be an amazing show tonight. 

10:13 - "Big star" Jake Gyllenhaal will be on...later!  (In terms of applause enthusiasm, Jake is decidedly third after Randy Jackson and Panic at the Disco.)

10:17 - "Jake Gyllenhaal coming up very soon."  True story, all of the oil leaked out of my car yesterday, so I had to get up super early this morning to take it to the shop and I lost my entire day waiting on repairs and now I'm very tired.  So I'm really glad that Jake is always first on these shows (so I can go to bed, because it's all about me).  I wonder if that's because he requests that or because he's unerringly less famous than the other guests he shares the show with...

Whoa.  Deep thoughts there...

10:30 - It's young Jacob!  (And, as an aside, fuck him for looking so good right now.)

10:31 - Jackie the Stage Manager has told Jake, backstage, that Conan (who - see four time stamps above - has already said this is going to be a substandard show) is not excited at all to interview this Jake Gyllenhaal person.  Conan rebuts by insisting that every time he's ever seen Jake scampering around Hollywood, Jake has been "friendly."

No, wait, Conan amends, friendly "as celebrities go."

No, wait, PG amends from her living room, friendly "to other celebrities as celebrities go."

10:31 - Dude totally name-drops his own sister.  That's the patented Jake Gyllenhaal cue that this interview has officially started.

10:32 - Conan and Jake discuss the infamous beard-smelling incident of 2007, which JESUS was four years ago now and I'm still live blogging this shit.  (No wonder I feel old.)

10:33 - Jake tells a story about going to a restaurant one time and eating next to people with beards who talked like ship captains from the 1800s.  Later in the story, these people will speak with Irish (?) accents.  I'm not sure where this is going, but I cannot look away. 

10:35 - Much as Jake recently told us, through humor, that sometimes people think he's gay, Jake tells us, through humor, that people thought he was depressed when he grew that enormous beard over the summer.  But neither thing was true!  In the case of the beard, he just didn't shave.

10:35 - And sometimes women who don't shave also grow beards.  (WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WITH THIS STORY I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.)

10:36 - Commercial break.

10:39 - And we're back!

10:39 - Movie talk.  Source Code is pretty effing sweet according to the two people now on television being paid to promote it.

10:40 - Jake explains that Ang Lee and Duncan Jones are, like, the exact same person, because they're both Asian sons of David Bowie.

10:41 - Jake tells how Duncan Jones used to keep him disoriented on set by putting an earwig in his ear and playing "Send in the Clowns."  Send in the Clowns?  SEND IN THE CLOWNS?!  THAT WAS ONLY THE THEME SONG OF THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW NEVER DIES.  This means that Duncan Jones has read the script and wants to turn it into a movie.

10:41 - Movie clip!  Oh, wait.  Dammit, I've already seen this clip.  I've seen one goddamned clip from this movie and it's this one...

10:43 - Er, I think maybe Jake is kind of giving too much of the story away.  I don't want to know anything!  I want to go and be like, what the hell is this movie I just paid to see????

10:43 - And it's OVER!

Whew!  That live blogging thing is always harder than I think it's going to be when I haven't done it in a while.  We'll try this again in two days with The Daily Show!

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Prophecy Girl Live-Blogs Whatever This Love and Other Drugs Coverage Is on Entertainment Tonight!

Original Post:

Jake Gyllenhaal has had such a busy week this week, what with dying and then coming back to life and all.  He's like Jesus, except less hairy...no...wait...he's exactly like Jesus.

Also like The Lord Himself, when we ask Jake, we shall receive, and for a long time now, we've been asking Jake why the hell we haven't received something about his next movie.  You know the one.  Love and Other Drugs.  The movie Jake hated so much that he kept trying to run away from the set.

There he goes again.

But today, our prayers are being answered (yay!) in the form of a clip on the questionably reputable American celebrity-based television rag Entertainment Tonight.

So here we go!

6:30 - Tonight!  On Entertainment Tonight!  Teri Hatcher, no makeup?  No Botox?  Nooooooo!!!

6:30 - ALSO "two big movies, one big exclusive" (whatever that means).  There's some stuff about Reese and Paul Rudd but NO ONE CARES.

(still) 6:30 - Now we care:  "Jake charms Anne Hathaway right out of her clothes!"  This is accompanied by Anne losing her shirt and Jake looking like he can't believe his luck at that.

6:37 - Already!  Jesus.  I am not going to be able to do this justice.

I am dying already for this to be on YouTube so that everyone on Earth can see it.  All of you are going to be happy beyond words.  SO MUCH JAKE.

Alright we've got...

- Jake calling some woman "Lisa" and some dude telling him that's not her name.  This leads to Jake rambling through the sleaziest of all explanations as to why calling a woman by a wrong name will lead to her sleeping with him.  (Don't act like you wouldn't fall for it, either.)

- Jake is drinking.  Jake is in the office.  Jake is being hit on the head by Anne Hathaway (and her purse).

- Jake is hitting on every single woman who has shown up on film with him so far.

- Jake tells Anne she has beautiful eyes and she...totally goes for the comedic repartee instead of jumping him across the table like a normal person would do.

- JAKE IS CRYING.

- Jake crying means that ANNE IS CRYING.

- And we've come full circle to the first scene where Anne takes her shirt off and Jake looks all happy, but OH I forgot to mention earlier that Jake's brother (roommate?) is also in the room and there is much screaming and yelling (this is the "comedy" part of this romantic comedy).

And that was it!  I missed, like, 80% of it, I think, in this recap. :(

Vanessa gets KUDOS FOR LIFE for hooking us up with the video on this. :D

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Prophecy Girl Live-Blogs Jake Gyllenhaal on The Early Show! Plus, Jimmy Fallon!

Before we get started, here's Jake's interview from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night:

Today's patented "Interview Moment When Jake's Quotes This Blog" comes at the 5:56 mark, when Jake says, "He can say anything and people will take it seriously...  Sometimes he just speaks nonsense..."  And even though he says this about Sir Ben Kingsley, it's hardly a coincidence that this is precisely what I said about Jake a couple of days ago.

And here we go!

UPDATE:  Video's up.


7:50 - The hosts of the show wage war with Jake action figures.  Complete with sound effects!

7:57 - The local news?  Seriously?!

8:02 - And...now we're talking about sunscreen.  Jake, who is "as hot as they get in Hollywod these days," will be on "in a few minutes."

8:11 - Jake's up next!  He's sitting complacently in the studio, but I missed part of that because there was a spider in my shirt and I had to freak out for a minute.

8:13 - It's Jake!  (Or rather, it's Jake being introduced.)

8:14 - Prince of Persia clip, which is a different one this time.  (I think.)

8:15 - The interviewer's name is Maggie as is Jake's sister's.  This must be discussed.

8:16 - Maggie whips out her action figure and...then there's a second action figure...and now the action figures are dancing...

8:16 - "What a huge change of pace!" Maggie says, regarding Jake's complete 180 in movie roles to take on this Prince of Persia thing, and not necessarily her excitement over getting to play with action figures on a news program.  Jake tells us (again) that he really doesn't want us to take him seriously.

8:17 - Jake discusses the horror of being objectified for his "buff abs and arms."

8:17 - Maggie, who came prepared with a newspaper for background reading, quotes Mike Newell, who said that he thought Jake was the "thinking woman's action hero."  Jake responds:  "I would hope every woman is thinking."  (This week, Jake has gone from quoting me, to quoting himself from recent interviews, to now quoting himself from ancient interviews.) 

8:18 - Jake digs on Sex in the City II, and then, because he reads all of my entries, he references my post from last night and calls Prince of Persia "more authentic" though not necessarily more realistic.

8:18 - The banner at the bottom brazenly reads "Pumped-up Prince" while Jake describes his deep, deep fear of ostriches and their pea-sized brains.

8:19 - Jake admits that he played the original Prince of Persia video game, but he disliked it so much that it was 20 years before he was able to bring himself to pick it back up again.

8:19 - Maggie asks Jake about his upcoming stage project, which catches Jake off-guard because he has no upcoming stage project.  He recovers by talking about Love and Other Drugs.

8:20 - Maggie brings out a City Slickers clip in which Young Jake takes off his shirt.  I can't really explain it, but somehow this interview has suddenly gotten really, really awkward.

8:20 - And it's over!

And here endeth the Prince of Persia live-blogs, which makes me kind of sad, though I must give Jake many kudos for being consistently entertaining in that many interviews in a row.  (I'm tired after just watching them all.)  I'll update this entry with the video as soon as I can find it...

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Prophecy Girl Live-Blogs Jake Gyllenhaal on Regis and Kelly!

OH do we have some catching up to do from yesterday, people.

But we'll get to that.  First things first.  Regis and Kelly!  Here we go...

9:01 - From the "action-adventure movie" Prince of Persia, JAKE GYLLENHAAL.  Everyone in the audience today is young and female.

9:04 - They're talking about Dancing with the Stars and Glee.  As if "other things in pop culture" are of any consequence when Jake is right there in the studio.  How can these people even concentrate?!

9:10 - We're still on Dancing with the Stars.

9:18 - Regis flashes us Jake's GQ cover.  Kelly admits, with much melodramatic sighing, that she's very happy with the Prince of Persia movie poster.

9:19 - There's a woman in the audience who wrote a play called Graceland.  Is this a shout-out to me in Memphis?  PROBABLY.

9:24 - Jake Gyllenhaal coming up next...

9:27 - It's Jake!

9:27 - Kelly calls him "very handsome."  Stop underselling him, Kelly!

9:28 - Jake reassures an intense Regis that he tries to be a "good uncle" to his niece, even though he neglects her by never visiting her in Brooklyn.

9:28 - Regis brings up Maggie's Oscar nomination and this is basically the exact same conversation as was had on Letterman...

9:28 - Jake gets weepy reminiscing about his childhood.  Maggie used to torment him by forcing him to lap milk from a bowl while she sang hits from the Broadway musical Cats.  Maggie still treats Jake this way.

9:29 - Commercial already!

9:33 - We're back.

9:33 - Regis laughs heartily at Jake's Prince of Persia costume, because he thinks it's even gayer than Brokeback Mountain.

9:34 - Jake reveals that it was nothing but devout prayer that paved the way for his implausibly overpumped muscles.

9:34 - Jake defines parkour as "free running."  (I will be keeping a running tally of how many different ways he defines this word this week.  We're currently 2 for 2.)

9:35 - 9:36 - Prince of Persia clip...

9:36 - That one minute clip took about a month to film.  'But there's more to the scene!' Jake protests, as if that makes it any less crazy that it took a full month to film one tiny piece of this enormous movie.

9:36 - Regis says "good luck" and that's it.  But not before Kelly totally macks on Jake.

The end!

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PG Live-Blogs Jake Gyllenhaal on David Letterman!

Before we begin, I'd like to take a moment to discuss the subject of manners.  I know that not everyone in the world thinks that Jake is the most important person on earth (poor, poor misguided souls though these people may be), but Jake's going to be doing several more interviews over the next few days.  And if he's going to be doing interviews, he's going to be walking around quite a bit.  And if he's going to be walking around, then people are going to be seeing him.

This is the proper response to seeing Jake Gyllenhaal moseying his little three-piece-suited ass down the streets of New York City:

And this is the improper response:

NEVER TRY TO OUTSHINE THE GYLLENHAAL IN A PAPARAZZI PICTURE.  I will have this man fired immediately.

Now, also before we begin, we need to get our Daily Facebook question out of the way, so let's hear from Andy "I'm not afraid to publicly declare my love for Weird Al Yankovic" Roewe:

Oh can I get Gemma's phone number??????????? PLEASE :)

ANSWER:  What kind of insane person would leave a question that wasn't for Jake?!  I'm sorry, Andy, but I don't have time to deal with your crap tonight.

Is it 10:35 Central Standard Time yet?  No?  Dammit.

I'll be back then!

(I'm going to play a drinking game this week and you guys should play along!  I'm going to drink two beers for every interview Jake does this week wearing the shirt he wore on this morning's GMA interview.  That puts me at 4 beers so far.  I figure the live-blogging will be much more entertaining if I'm mildly intoxicated.)

And I'm back.

Hell, let's throw another picture in here.  'Cause why not?

And here we go!

10:35 - Welcome to The Late Show with David Letterman!  Which tonight will be known as The Late Show with David Letterman Who Is Very Lucky Because He Will Be Talking To Jake Gyllenhaal (And Also Dr. Edward B. Overton, Whoever That Is).

10:38 - Jake's competing with the Dalai Lama tonight apparently, in terms of evening entertainment in Manhattan.

10:41 - Am I really going to recap Dave's entire monologue?  Probably not.

10:44 - We see a shot of Jake from the last time he was on Letterman, when it was 2007 and he had a caveman beard.

10:56 - "We'll be right back with Jake Gyllenhaal, everybody."  WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME.

11:00 - It's Jake!

11:00 - Jake looks tiny as he shakes Dave's hand, but mostly because Dave is standing on a platform about six inches above the floor.  Jake then milks the crowd for applause, because he's really into that today.

11:01 - On to the history of the Gyllenhaal family.  Dave asks Jake about being born into his acting career and Jake admits that yes, "I was forced into it like slavery." 

11:02 - Dave tells Jake he doesn't care about his family.

11:02 - Dave tells the same story of meeting Jake's parents from the last time Jake was there, and Jake will have none of that.

11:03 - Jake brings up a fictional Uncle Larry and Dave about dies of laughter.

11:04 - Stephen!  Every time Jake goes on Letterman, Stephen somehow gets thrown into the mix.  We're all of 4 minutes in and the tradition continues.  (I think Dave might be fascinated by him, and I kinda want to tell him that I understand but he will eventually get over it.)

11:04 - Jake mentions Russia and he's laughing in such a manner that I'm expecting some reference to the Club Scene of YouTube Fame any minute now!

11:05 - But, um, I guess we're not going there.  Jake informs us that after reading some totally random book, he learned that Russians don't like people to laugh or smile.  Upon learning this, Jake was horrified, because he's incapable of doing anything but either, all of the time.

11:07 - And here are pictures of himself which he has brought to share.  The first one is a MUGSHOT.  Of Jake in a Russian getup.  Where is my screenshot of this already?!

Morning update:  Thank you, gyllenhaalic4jake!!

11:07 - Shot of Jake and a Russian Homer Simpson in front of the Kremlin.

11:08 - Shot of Jake scowling into a plate of food at his "favorite Russian restaurant."  (All of these are way too funny in execution for me to increase their humor value by making fun of them.)

11:08 - Talk of the corrupt Russian government.  Jake says he cannot confirm.  Is this because he's been corrupted by the government?

11:09 - Prince of Persia recap.  ALSO, Jake confirms what I said earlier about him actually having a dagger that turns back time.

11:10 - Jake admits that Disney defiled ancient buildings to build magical sets for Prince of Persia.

11:10 - Jake introduces the clip.  And...

11:12 - ...we're back.

11:12 - And we're done!  Dave wishes Jake well with his acting career.

That was very intense!  And with no drawn-out story of ridiculousness from Jake, either, but rather a myriad of topics covered in a consistently amusing manner!  My live-blogging skills are a bit rusty, I think, but overall a good time was had by all.

And now I have to go to bed. 

Picture of man mock-gaping at Jake's svelte, lithe body from celebrity-gossip.net.

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