Today in Jake Watch History

As things grind to a halt around here, what with my focus being on things other than Jake and everyone else's focus also being on things other than Jake, I wanted to share some of the posts that made Jake Watch (the blog that preceded this one and that inspired my book) the unique, hilarious, and groundbreaking piece of internet art that it was.

Here's a post from October 7, 2006, written by the incomparable britpopbaby:

AGENTS IN ACTION: PART II

You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.

1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.

2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:

Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No. 2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No. 2. What's her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.

3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No. 1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No. 1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.

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Because There's a Rumor About Jake and Running...

Jake Gyllenhaal:  Skilled Runner

Your fearless leader, who has been up since 4:45 this morning, watched the sun come up about halfway through her 6.5 mile half-marathon training run.  (I do this to myself every year, because I'm a masochist.)  So how coincidental that when I came home and started skulking around on the other Jake blogs looking for news (as I'm prone to doing...I don't know where the hell these people find this stuff) I discovered that Gyllenbabble was reporting that someone else was reporting that Jake was, at this very moment, at one of the more hardcore of all trail races ever.  (Trail racing being "running for people who are even more insane than normal runners.")

And now they're just all over this story so I'm not even going to try to compete.  I didn't know about this personally, mind you, because Jake's all stroppy right now because Glamour UK thinks we're only 68% compatible and so he didn't even call me to ask how my run went this morning or to break the news that there might be a running movie in the works.

(Note to Jake:  I'd be a very good extra for this movie.) 

So anyway, since it's all a bunch of speculation right now and because I have such a backlog of posts that I have covered pretty much every topic on Earth, I thought today we'd look back at this post-appropriate jewel from my glorious youth, back when we were just learning about Jake's skills as a runner.  From August 12, 2007:

The Jake Watch Guide to Race Day Etiquette

We here at Jake Watch are all about physical fitness (as of today).  That's why when we found out that Jake ran a 5k race yesterday, we decided to take that experience and use it as an educational opportunity.  Using her extensive knowledge gained from participating in ten or fewer 5Ks, PG presents to you...

Running a 5K:  Basics for Beginners with Jake Gyllenhaal

What to Wear:

Always a beacon of fashion, Jake shows off classic "beginner style" 5k wear:

1.  A cooling haircut, ideal for men.  (Ponytails are recommended for the fairer sex.)

2.  Seen mostly on walkers in the back, Jake breaks tradition by charging up front in the light-colored race-day t-shirt that comes in all registration packs.   Designed by local artists, this brightly-colored abstract work of art will be thrown into the back of your dresser after the race and never worn again.  Your race number is best displayed at bellybutton-level and can be attached with anywhere from 2 or 4 safety pins...it's up to you!

3.  Running shoes and ankle socks.  No knee-highs here; it's all about showing off your man-legs.

Career 5k-ers will likely invest in a get-up more like that of the gentleman to the right of Jake (marked *).   In other circumstances, his indecently short shorts and sweat-wicking tank would get some scandalized stares.   On race day, they are the proud badges of someone who knows what they're doing.

Who You're Running With:

They show up to every 5k across the country.  They are:

1 and 2.  The "Blatant Stalker" Guys.  Usually ogling girls in sports bras, these particular stalkers are distracted by the movie star in their midst.

3.  The "Run Around Before the Race" Guy.  By the time you drag yourself to the course at whatever godforsaken early hour of the morning, this guy has been running the track for hours.  He will finish before you and continue to run until everyone else has crossed the finish line.  He makes sure you know he's more in shape than you are and that for him, running is fun!

4.  The "I Love the '90's" Guy.  This guy loves his hypercolored shirts and patterned shorts.  He even wears high-tops...and he will fly past your sorry ass while you're laughing at what he's wearing.  Turns out those are his lucky clothes that he's worn to every 5k since 1991.  They haven't failed him yet!

5.  The "Local Celebrity" Guy.  In Memphis, this guy is Action News 5 anchor, Joe Birch.  In Chilmark, apparently it's Jake Gyllenhaal.

6.  Your Grandpa.  He will beat your time by at least 20 minutes.

7.    The "Oh-My-God-I-Spotted-The-Local-Celebrity!" Guy.  He always works his way up to the front of the crowd before the race starts so that he doesn't miss any of the excitement.  He will fall to the back by Mile 2.

8.  The "I'm Hot When I'm Shirtless" Guy.  For this guy, the race is an opportunity to show off his tight abs and run around half-nekked.  One smoldering look into the camera and he's ready for the ladies.  Race?  What race?

9.  The "Clueless" Guy.  While everyone else is gearing up to run, he's idly standing around looking at his own hand.

10.  The "Fearless Female."  The one woman who dares to work her way to the front of the line with all the manly men.  She will not finish first, but dammit, she will finish before the local celebrity.

***

Hey, showing up well-dressed and knowing who you're up again is half the battle!  The actual running part is more of a sidenote.  We're not sure what training regimen Jake sticks to, but judging by his time (19:38, holy shit!) we'd say he's slightly better at this running thing than PG.


And now the PG of 2010 would like to add one final note, which is that we have a translation request!  If anyone knows Portuguese, there are several people (myself included!) who'd love to know what this interview says.  Thanks! :)

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Whose Idea Was This Then?

What intrepid photographer, graced with the opportunity to lay to film one of the more photogenic members of the human race, decided to stuff him into a white suit, slick his hair back, and make him look like a Jersey Shore reject, except creepier?

HOW DID THIS PICTURE EVEN HAPPEN.

Obviously we're all in need of a little good news around here, so I'm happy to report that Entertainment Tonight will be showing some sort of Love and Other Drugs something-or-other on tonight's broadcast (see ad here).  So...LIVE BLOG ALERT!  I really don't know what they're going to show; it could be absolutely anything...from a full trailer to ten seconds of Anne Hathaway smiling at an ET producer, but whatever the hell it is, I'll be here to write about it!

(And since ET is on at 6:30 Central Standard Time here in Memphis, I'm guessing that before I even see it, it'll be up somewhere online.  But dammit, I'm live-blogging it anyway.)

Thanks to an anonymous commenter for the LAOD heads up!

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Back Away From My Man!

What.  Is.  This.

Um, excuse me, blonde flight-attendant-looking lady with the grabby hands and the wandering lips.  I realize that trying to get a good whiff in while Jake walks by is a primal urge that all who have been in his presence experience, but this is taking things a bit too far.  And I'm not convinced that Jake isn't enjoying this to a certain degree...  The brush of hands over your magazine, the Brian-Williams-eyebrow raise, the way in which his open mouth could mean many things, but none of them good...

So listen up, sweetheart.  Unhand the Gyllenhaal, button up your damn shirt, remove your tacky fake-tipped nails from his exterior, and back your grocery-store-L'Oreal-dye-job AWAY FROM MY MAN.

------

In happier news, Silver has started a Source Code blog.  YAY!

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SOCK WATCH: EXTENDED EDITION

Usually we jump straight to the main event, BUT NOT TODAY.  Today we take it just a little slower.  Jake knows we know he's got some sock for us, but he's taking his time, not giving it all up in the first picture...

Or even the second...

And now that the anticipation level is out of control (*deep breath*), here we go:

• COLOR:  A deceptively-light gray (the less experienced may mistake it for white)
• TYPE:  Snug fit, possibly ribbed but inconclusive with the photograph quality at hand
• HEIGHT:  Lower than I usually go for, but it's been so long that hell, I'll take whatever I can get
• OVERALL STATUS:  Sufficiently satisfying after the drawn-out reveal...

New-old pics from 2009.

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Jake Gyllenhaal: Proud Patriot

Here in the United States, we have many traditions.  We put our right hand over our hearts when we say the Pledge of Allegiance (see above).  We speak in loud, abrasive voices when traveling overseas (guilty as charged).  And every 4th of July, we gather together to drink cheap beer from cans, eat junk food, and set off fireworks...in other words, we act like we do every other day of the year, except with the added bonus of explosives.

This year, I will be celebrating the holiday weekend in the great state of Mississippi (don't judge), at a place where I will have no internet access for the next two days.  This means I won't be able to put up a post tomorrow and thus should leave you with something good to tide you over until Monday.  And since I posted a Jake Watch classic last weekend, what better way to celebrate this 4th of July than to kick off a TRUE SERIES OF MY GREATEST HITS?  (Hey, just because I'm on my solo tour doesn't mean I can't play some of the songs I wrote with the band.)

So today I share a Jake Watch post long heralded as supposedly the greatest thing I ever wrote.  (Seriously.)  Yes, I'm talking about a post I did about yet another American tradition:  the voting process.

In honor of this most American of American holidays, I hereby present to you, from November 7, 2006, the

JAKE WATCH ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

If you happen to be an American today (or any day), then you probably already know that the first Tuesday in November in an even-numbered, non-Presidential election year can only mean one thing. Oh, yes, baby. Mid-term elections. And this year there's actually the possibility of a power shift so if you aren't voting, then you're a LOSER.

But because so many of our fine readers here are not American, and because as an American it is my duty to inflict my country's customs on the unsuspecting world community, I thought I would explain the U.S. democratic process for everyone today in terms we can all appreciate. Let us begin.

1. The Political Parties

Here in America, we have a two-party political system. We can't always tell the difference between the two parties, so we color-code them: blue for Democrats and red for Republicans. And if we can't tell which party something falls under, we mix the two colors together and call it "Independent." Let's let Jack Twist demonstrate:

Well done, Jack Twist. We'll see you again in a minute.

2. The Voting Process

The balance of power between these parties is decided by the American people. We elect representives to our government via the voting process. To help explain voting, here is Jake Gyllenhaal:

"When somebody turns the age they need to be to vote, they should be just as excited as they are when they turn the age to buy porno." source

That's the spirit, Jake! Yes! It really is that exciting! You can't even know how good voting is until you've done it yourself. What else, Jake?

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." source

Oooh, baby. Jake's right. When you vote with him, the experience is even better! That's because honestly, your one little tiny vote doesn't count for shit until it's thrown in with all the millions of other ballots from people who voted like you did (strength in numbers)! And Jake votes like me. Oh, baby, does he ever.

3. Erm, More of the Voting Process

So how do you cast your vote? Well, in this country, where religion never has any influence on our government, we go to our local churches to vote. We stand in long lines and then senior citizens put our information into a computer system (to make sure we aren't dead) before we are led over to the sacred voting booths. Once you go inside and close the curtain, it's just you and your ballot. Take all the time you need. Sometimes the choices are tough:

4. The Issues

But now that you know how we vote and for whom we vote, you probably want to know why we vote (besides the sexiness factor). We want people in office who are concerned about the same issues we are. Big issues in this election include:

The Environment
Gay Marriage

And One of Any Infinite Number of Wars We Are Currently Fighting

And so, compadres around the world, as you can see, Election Day is a Very Important Day for us Americans, and I'm sure you're all feeling really left out by now.

And Americans, I think we should all show the world, and Jake, how much much this day really means to us. I leave you with a set of pictures in which I hope you pick up on my subtle, one-word plea for the day (hint it's a four-letter word)...








VOTE!!!

 

Happy 4th of July to all the Americans reading!  And happy regular weekend to the rest of you!  I'll be back on Monday, so please don't leave me (I just found you again!).

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That Time I Met Jake

Since I've started this blog, the most frequently asked question I've gotten - by far - is if I've met Jake Gyllenhaal.  And the honest answer to that question is YES.

I know that for many, this Jake business is very new, and so is this blog.  But I've actually been writing about Jake for almost 4 years now.  I wrote a blog called Jake Watch in 2006 and 2007, and in its day, it was a very, very popular site.  In fact, after iheartjake.com, it was the most popular Jake Gyllenhaal site on the internet.  It was also the very first Jake Gyllenhaal blog on the internet, and while none of us ever openly acknowledge it, all of the other Jake blogs out there right now are written by former readers of Jake Watch (such was its vast and considerable influence). 

Jake Watch wasn't started by me.  It was the brainchild of the brilliant and incomparable britpopbaby, who was nice enough to let me help her out when her creation became too big for her to handle alone.  Over time, we became an unstoppable team, and we did more crazy things together than I could ever cram into a single blog post.

But I was able to cram all of those things into a book, which is what I've been doing in the 2 1/2 years since Jake Watch ended. 

The book we will get to...but since I know Jake Watch isn't familiar to everyone, and is in the distant past for even those who are familiar with it, I wanted to periodically re-post some of the best stuff we did over there.  And what better way to start than re-posting something that I get asked about several times a week...

So, yes! I have met Jake Gyllenhaal (or should I say, Jake Gyllenhaal has met me, lucky guy)!  Here is the story, from September 8, 2007:

Jake and PG's Excellent Conversation

[Background:  I was at the Toronto International Film Festival.  To set the scene, Rendition was a month away from its theatrical release in the United States and Jake's last movie was Zodiac, 6 months earlier.]

The above picture was not taken during the portion of the afternoon where I talked to Jake. This was the portion of the afternoon where I captured this image with my camera even though all my eyes caught was THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. I mean, seriously. How many times can that even happen to a person?!

Then he came back out of the building. The extremely short version, because I am tired (details later!):

PG (who has taken a magazine from her hotel room and opened it to a two-page spread advertising Rendition): Jake, can you sign this?

Jake: Sure.

PG: I run a website for you.

Jake (looks up and smiles): Oh, yeah?

PG: Yeah, Jake Watch!

Jake: Oh, wow! OK!

Jake and PG smile and look at each other and awkwardly nod until other autograph seekers distract Jake's attention away. PG starts snapping pictures.

PG: I'm taking some pictures of you. I hope that's OK.

Jake (looks over and smiles again): Sure, that's fine.

PG: Thank you!

[Click for big versions.]


(This is not zoomed; I was really that much up in his grill. You can see my reflection in his sunglasses. I'm wearing a pink shirt.)





Then Peter Sarsgaard [also in Rendition] came out.

PG: Peter, can you sign this?

Peter: Sure.

PG: Uh, sorry it's a picture of Jake.

Peter (laughing): It's fine.

Peter then signs his name boldly across the picture of Jake. He steals PG's Sharpie to sign autographs for several other people.

PG: Can I take some pictures?

Peter (smiling): Sure!



Peter: Whose Sharpie is this? (to PG) Was it yours?

PG: Yeah, thanks.

Meanwhile, a WireImage photographer caught a picture of PG and Sarsy conversing. Just so you know I'm not making this up (and shhh! don't tell them I'm posting their picture!):

(PG and Peter shared a moment earlier in the afternoon when he arrived and she yelled, "PETER!!!" and starting jumping up and down and waving even though she was at that point quarantined across the street. He waved back. It was a good time for everyone.)

THEN, at the world premiere of Rendition, Jake was kind enough to walk by me again on the red carpet inside the building:

There wasn't a lot of (any) talking at that point, but I'm sure it was because he didn't want to be distracted. No doubt he was still ruminating on our ground-breaking discussion from earlier.

Meanwhile, [a friend who was with me] was taking the following video so that everyone would have the chance to experience the hysteria of waiting for Jake to whiz by:



[And then we went inside the theater and watched Rendition for the first time in the same room as Jake himself!  Except Jake left about 10 minutes in and there were several hundred other people in the theater and my seat was up so high that had I flung myself down to his level, I likely would have been killed on impact.  But it was a fun adventure!  And that is the incredibly true story of the time I met Jake Gyllenhaal.  Although this was not the only time I've seen Jake Gyllenhaal, but we'll save that story for another day...]

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Agent Wins Merit Badge for Exceptional Sock Research

ISJ's very own randomhero2006 has gone above and beyond the call of duty and made the rest of you look like lazy slackers.  After conducting extensive research of Jake's ankle region, she has concluded, with 100% accuracy and certainty, that Jake Gyllenhaal was wearing socks yesterday.

This is crucial to our understanding of Jake, and leads to the proudest moment in the past two years of my life.  So, without any further ado, I present to you:

 SOCK WATCH: COMEBACK EDITION

 

• COLOR:  Shoe-complementing muddy gray (perhaps with hidden stripes?)
• TYPE:  Brimming with wholesome, cottony goodness
• HEIGHT:  Unacceptably low
• OVERALL STATUS:  Disappointing to the point of humiliating 

In conclusion, Jake Gyllenhaal is not unattractive because he doesn't wear socks, he's unattractive because he doesn't wear socks people can see.

*******

If you would like to win an ISJ! Merit Badge, then just do something at least as awesome as figuring out whether or not Jake was wearing socks in a paparazzi picture.  Rest assured your efforts will be rewarded.

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Jake Watch Classic: A Gyllenhaal Masterclass

How to Make People Who Are Usually Attractive Look Less Attractive...

...Merely By Standing Next To Them.

I am Jake Gyllenhaal, and I feel sorry for tiny Tom Cruise for having to be photographed with me.  Oh wait, you don't see Tom Cruise in this picture?  My point exactly.

This has been a Jake Watch Classic.

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