I think it's time we had the Prince of Persia talk...

Oh, Jake fans.  You grow up so fast!

I can't shield you from the world forever.  And I know you talk amongst yourselves and already know all of this.  But I kinda have to tell you anyway. 

So.  Prince of Persia.

Not quite the "box office bet" that Family Circle thought it would be when they published the article to the left in early May.

It's Friday today, which means our good pal Dastan has run out of sand and is almost assuredly no longer at your local theater.

Yes, yes, I know it's the "top grossing movie based on a video game of all time," meaning that in 2010, with ticket prices higher than ever, Prince of Persia made more globally (though not domestically) than Laura Croft:  Tomb Raider did nine years ago...

But, erm, the extent to which that matters right now is not so much.  We're trying really hard to make Prince of Persia look good, Jake fans.  We're spinning the numbers, we're stockpiling good reviews, we're reassuring ourselves that the movie did well enough overseas to counteract the poor U.S. box office gross (and trying to convince ourselves that that U.S. gross really isn't that bad).

But who are we really trying to convince here?

Alright, it didn't Gigli-level bomb.  But it certainly wasn't a Day After Tomorrow-level hit either.  Hell, it wasn't a You Don't Mess With the Zohan-level hit.  Box Office Mojo's all time domestic box office chart doesn't even extend far enough for Prince of Persia to be on the list.

True, it did better overseas.  But not as great as, say, Alvin the Chipmunks:  The Squeakquel.  It's been two months and Prince of Persia is gone.  Out of here.  Disappearing from theaters and the public's consciousness.  Jerry Bruckheimer has already moved on to his next underperforming movie, that is how over Prince of Persia is.

As fans, we like to see the good in things because we want Jake to succeed.  But I don't think any of us truly believes this was a success on the level anybody was hoping for.  And I realize that movies fizzle on a weekly basis, but this type of thing has never happened to Jake.  Not like this.  He's been in his fair share of low-grossing films, but he's never headlined a major blockbuster before and he's certainly never headlined a major blockbuster and then had it not reach blockbuster status.

Prince of Persia was a pretty damn big deal in terms of The Career of Jake Gyllenhaal. 

It also did not definitively signify one way or the other which way that career goes from here.

As much as we like to joke, underneath all that Jake Gyllenhaal-ness there's a real guy out there who just saw two years of his life rush by in eight short weeks.  We aren't talking about sequels right now, we're talking about Disney's profit margins relying on DVD sales.

So before we, like him, move on to waiting for next film, I wanted to take a moment here to say that I, personally, wish the movie had done better.  I don't want to sugar-coat it, I don't want rationalize it, I just want to say:  I wish it had done better.

And I'm guessing I'm not the only one here who feels that way.

Are we good now?  Fantastic.  Countdown to Love and Other Drugs starts now!

"Family Time" from my mom's Family Circle.  "Critics" page from my Newsweek.

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Prince of Persia Now FIFTH Highest Grossing Adventure Flick Set in the Desert

(Up from 11th a few weeks ago.)  I would actually be more excited about this if I knew what the hell The Jewel of the Nile was (number 4).

On the upside, in another week or so, we should overtake Pokeman in terms of video game adaptations.

Smashing!

Also in the news this fine Monday morning, thanks to me (or rather, I'd say, in spite of me), Jake has astonishingly pushed past Hugh Jackman in the Pixel Project's poll and is now in second place (!).  In celebration, this is the last time I will say anything to you about voting.  Hooray!

And because it's a slow news day, here.  Have a picture of Jake:

YouTube video stolen from randomhero2006's Twitter feed. :)

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Bulgarian Teens Swoon Over Wax Model of Jake!

It's almost life-like:

IN BOX OFFICE NEWS, for the second week in a row Prince of Persia has WON THE WEEKEND (relative to Sex and the City 2; the actual box office winner was [again] Shrek 4; I don't understand anyone who would see either of these movies). 

Internationally, Prince of Persia slipped into second place...but who the hell cares because over the weekend it earned the record of "highest foreign gross ever for a video game adaptation."  So suck it, Laura Croft:  Tomb Raider. 

And while we're on the subject of Teen Dream Gylls, here's a Disney Channel video in which we learn what Jake's favorite cartoon is (looks like I was wrong all those years ago) and also learn why children in America all have ADHD:


YouTube vid stolen from GyllenhaalJake.  

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Your Weekend Roundup

Well, well, well, Sex and the City 2.  Turns out you weren't quite as hip as you thought you were.  Thanks to the intrepid detective work of sumi k (and -- many, many hours later -- the media) we now all know who the real winner of the U.S. box office (second place position) was.  (Hint:  It was PRINCE OF FUCKING PERSIA.)

Oh, yeah, sumi k.  You work like that, you get a reward, baby.  I hereby give to you The Badge For Calculating the Box Office Numbers in Jake's Favor:

Congratulations, sumi k!  And who knows, there may be more merit badges to bestow upon the populace of ISJ, but I like to keep you guessing.  You just never know when I'm going to whip one of these suckers out!

And what's that?  Did somebody say sequel?

IN OTHER NEWS, have you voted for Jake yet?  You know, with The Pixel Project?  Yes?  You have?!  That's awesome!

Now sign the petition, goddamn you.  I realize that I'm asking a lot of many of you to choose between Gylls and this Skargard character, but Gylls is dead last in the petition competition and any time Gylls is dead last, a small part of me dies...

Let me remind you who you're voting for, 'kay?

Yeah, that's what I thought.  Skarsgard who?

And that's your Weekend Roundup!

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Dear America, What Happened?

Looks like Prince of Persia will be coming in third at the box office this weekend in the United States.  That puts it squarely behind an animated ogre whose target audience wasn't even born the first time DreamWorks trotted him onto the big screen and a television adaptation that's getting almost as many headlines for its implied racism as for its thin storyline.

What can I say?  America likes its sequels.  (So how unfortunate that Prince of Persia's chances for one just got a little slimmer...)

On the upside, despite what those of us who live here like to think, the United States isn't the only country in the world, and Prince of Persia dominated the international market this weekend, pulling in far more than those other two movies combined, and finishing first in at least 40 out of 47 markets. 

And Prince of Persia is already the 11th highest grossing adventure movie set in the desert of all time.  So that's gotta be good, right?

Alright, I'm trying too hard to make this sound better than it actually is.  It's my fault.  I didn't start my "Stand With Jake...Or Die!" campaign until far, far too late.  I take complete and full responsibility for Prince of Persia's U.S. box office numbers this Memorial Day weekend.

I just hope Jake doesn't take any of this personally.  After all, the movie is a success for him any way you look at it; regardless of how many people see it, he got a LEGO out of the deal.

Yeah.  Still awesome.

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