Special Car Report: What Would Dastan Do?

Jake Gyllenhaal has failed at life recently by not being photographed climbing into his car, a feat which all of us wait for with bated breath and judge him for based on the harsh but fair standards of his past performances.

Concerned as I am about the psychological toll this drought is taking on all of us, I went in search of a distraction, and found one so astounding that I'm having difficulty remaining calm enough to type this sentence.  

Friends, I have unearthed a set of photos that may (or may not) be worth far more than their weight in gold (which is nothing, because these are digital pictures):

Prince Dastan.  Alive, well, and approaching a car (sometime several months ago).  If we can't have Jake, this allows us the next best thing.  So, without further ado, I hereby present to you my analysis (on a scale of 1-10) of Dastan's car entrance.

The Approach:

Though we can't see what the right hand is doing, the left hand is empty...hardly a harbinger of a good show to come, but I'll refrain from judging this early.

The Approach, Part 2:

(Because we're ignoring the photo I started this post with...)  Where the FUCK did that apple come from?  Alright, Dastan, I'm impressed.  I'm not easily impressed, but that was impressive...

The Open:

Already?  TOO SOON.  Abort!  Abort!  I still can't see both hands!  We're crashing, Dastan...crashing...and burning...

The Get-In:

And it's over.  Christ on a crutch.

Way too rushed, no attention to detail, but I will award a few tenths for the apple.

Dastan's Car-Getting-Into Score = 1.9

And he knows he's let us down:

HE KNOWS.

In happier Dastan-themed news, word on the street is that Prince of Persia will be hitting your home Blu-ray/DVD players on September 14!   That's so soon!  I'd been thinking it would be closer to Christmas, but for some reason Disney didn't ask for my marketing advice on this one.

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CAR POST.

There was another post for today, about some other pictures...BUT THOSE WILL HAVE TO WAIT.

OMG.  Here we go...

The Approach:

Profile shot!  Check out this new angle by which we are observing our car scene.  Do I like it?  Do I not?  I'm going to have to wait and see what it does for me as this plays out...

The Grab:

No fooling around this time, Jake just dives in and goes for it.  Make it happen, baby!

The Open, Part 1:

True he has nothing in his hands, and therefore it's a difficult place to start in terms of impressive feats.  But he's just stone cold taking charge here.  Check out the grip on that handle.  There is power in that grip.  I gotta give him props; this is a high quality performance...

The Open, Part 2:

AND THEN THIS HAPPENS.  What even IS this?  That last picture is like the lone bastion of manliness amongst car door opening techniques, but this picture?  In this picture Jake's delicate-yet-virile hands seem hesitant to even touch that which he has just swung open.  THIS IS A TERRIBLE OPEN PART 2, JAKE.

The Get-In:

Alright, so really there wasn't any chance of recovery after that last shot, but we had to see him finish. And what a disappointing finish it is.  All obscured and full of rear-view mirror... 

Today's Car-Getting-Into-Score = 2.7

And he only gets the 0.7 because the grip.  Alas, it's like his heart just wasn't in it.

More where you'd think they'd be!

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Jake Balks At Challenge Of Impressing Us

Jake Gyllenhaal was spotted recently looking at a car door with apprehension and concern: 

Is this because we here at ISJ have recently taken to ranking his abilities to climb into his vehicle on a highly arbitrary scale of 1-10 in which we demand things of him that the human body is physically incapable of doing and that Jake himself, ingrained in his personal routine of hauling around beverage cups, going to gyms, and buying groceries, has left us with so little to analyze that even the most mundane of activities must be glorified such that we, as a community, are able to retain an interest in him and subsequently discuss his behavior outside of his film career which, ironically enough, is the only method by which he has readily given himself to us for our entertainment, though, in the current tabloid-saturated world in which we live, this winds up being secondary to his abilities to engage us in the activities of his day-to-day life?

OR WAS HE JUST LOOKING AT THE PHOTOGRAPHER?

We may never know. 

Picture from JustJared.  (Where there are many more!)  Thanks to Silver for the tip!

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BREAKING: Jake Gyllenhaal Gets Into Car. Again.

This is an amazing set of photographs that we have; every second caught on film!  So *deep breath* on a scale of 1-10...

The Approach:

Stop smiling, man.  It's not going to make us judge you any easier.  And whoa, are those the same shoes you wore the other day?  Dude.  DUDE.  WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.  I'm trying not to let this cloud my judgment but it's kind of unprecedented and I need a moment to get over this...

...and I'm good.

The Reach (Angle 1):

Difficult to assess.  The driver's side rear-view mirror is blocking the most important information in this photograph.  MIRROR FAIL.

The Reach (Angle 2):

Clearer from this angle.  Jake is carrying his keys in the same hand he's using to reach for the door handle.  It's a step up from what we've seen from him recently, but I've seen better.

The Grab (Angle 1):

Again, what is this crap that's passing for a photograph here?  I can't believe someone got paid to take this.  It tells us nothing.

The Grab (Angle 2):

HOLY SHIT.  Is that a middle finger grab?!

Instant Replay:

It is!  He went the middle finger route!  Way to man the hell up, Gylls.  You tell that car door who's boss.

The Open:

The balancing act in the non-door-opening hand is impressive, if minimalist...

The Get-In:

Successfully navigated, gracefully entered, adequately executed...and yet somehow lacking.

Today's Car-Getting-Into Score = 4.3 

It won points for elegance, but I just can't overlook the lack of originality.  Where is the style, Gyllenhaal?  Where is the style?

Thanks to sumi k for letting me know Jake rode in his car!

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BREAKING: Jake Gyllenhaal Gets Into Car

One:  The look, the concentration, the tongue...he's going for the car door, but what will he do with it?

Two:  Such deliberation.  Maybe he'll open the door, maybe he won't...

Three:  The door is open!  I repeat, the door is open!

And...four:  He is in the car.  Amazing.  I've never seen it done so well.

After that he, presumably, drove away.  Incredible!

Personally, I was a little concerned about the hesitation I saw between frames one and two, but he pulled it out in the end.  Another successful car ride for Jake! 

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