Thursday, March 31, 2011

Probably the Most Stalker-Like Post I've Ever Put Up

Are you ready for this?  I hope so, because here are the last 24 hours of Jake Gyllenhaal's life.

24 hours ago: Jake gets fresh with a fan who isn't me.  What the hell, man:

17 hours ago:  I live blog Jake's appearance on The Daily Show.  Recap and video in THIS POST.  (Note - This is the best part of the past 24 hours of Jake's life.)

7 hours ago:  Jake's appearance on Good Morning, America causes stage hands to faint and news anchors to giggle like nervous schoolgirls:

6 hours ago:  Jake ruins everything on Live with Regis and Kelly by accidentally-on-purpose proposing to Kelly's stand-in for the day:

4 hours ago:  Jake is hit full-on by the raybeams of the devil-eyed cherub waiting for him outside of ABC's studios:

3 hours ago:  While eating my lunch, I pause for a moment of silence to give my due props to whatever intern it is who is in charge of captioning Daily Show videos on Facebook:

Currently: I am posting this blog entry. (Note - This is the second-best part of the past 24 hours of Jake's life.)

I am the best Jake reporter on Earth.  Fact.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Prophecy Girl Live Blogs Jake on The Daily Show!

Look, it's my two favorite Gyllenhaal men at the L.A. premiere of Source Code!  I am 100% positive that this picture depicts them lamenting the fact that I did not win the ACLU auction which would have granted me access to this event.  Both Jake and Stephen are VERY BIG FANS of mine and I'm sure they were shocked/disappointed to show up and find that I was not in attendance.

It really isn't a party unless I'm there...

But I'm here now, which can only mean one thing:  Daily Show party

By the way, this is a direct transcript of the closer from last night's Daily Show:

Jon Stewart:  "That's our show.  Join us tomorrow night at 11:00; Jake Gyllenhaal will be our guest, with his team of.."

Audience Member:  "Awww."

Jon Stewart:  "Really?  Awww?  You just just saw a guy that in five years is going to have paralyzed people walking down a fucking street, and you're're upset 'cause you didn't get to see the Prince of Persia?"

Just when I think it is not humanly possible for me to love Jon Stewart more...

And here we go!

10:01 - Jon informs us that we are about to watch a very exciting show!  Jake Gyllenhaal's "future wife" is in the audience and "she's almost of legal age."  Oh, really?  His future wife?  How interesting.  Let's I have any advice for this young lass?  Yes.  Yes, I do.  My advice is:  Stuff it, bitch, and talk to me when you've written a book and spent five years of your life promoting his sorry ass all over the internet, 'kay? 

10:14 - How awesome would it be if we could merge John Hodgman and Jake Gyllenhaal into one formidably hilarious/attractive man-person...OH GOD DID I TYPE THAT OUT LOUD?

10:20 - Source Code ad.  That's timely.

10:21:  Source Code clip.  And it's a new one!  Jake looks very confused.  Probably because of all of the music being pumped into his ears.  (Then again, sometimes his face just looks like that.)

10:22 - Why, it's Jake Gyllenhaal!  What a surprise!

10:22 - Jake buttons, unbuttons, sits down, stands up, sits down.  And with each movement he makes, his voice goes up an octave.  Jon notes this and then Jake begins repeating everything Jon says, word-for-word.  You know, watching it, it didn't seem so bad, but writing it out like that makes Jake seem really damn annoying.

10:22 - "This movie looks very good," says Jon Stewart, with genuine surprise in his voice.

10:23 - Jake claims that he has actually been hosting The Daily Show because he's in the Source Code or something.  I feel like perhaps this level of comedy is too cerebral for the people in the audience who just learned what this movie was about sixteen seconds ago.

10:23 - OH MY GOD, that "future wife" girl is getting pimped out by Jon Stewart. 

10:24 - Apparently, during the pre-show banter with Jon (which Prophecy Girl remembers well from that one time she was in the audience of The Daily Show - see I'm Stalking Jake! The Book for more), this girl asked the question, "Will Jake Gyllenhaal marry me?"

10:24 - Jake says...he'll think about it.  Wait!  What?!  NO!  You say NO to that girl, Jake!  You shoot her down and crush her dreams!  That's the Jake Gyllenhaal way!

10:24 - Jon starts asking Jake a lot of personal questions about his love life and Jake dodges each and every one the way only Jake can.  (This is why people think he's gay.)  (That, and because Ted Casablanca has based the past six years of his career around it.)

10:24 (still) - Because Jon can't let it go, he asks Jake if he's ever fallen in love at first sight.  (Um, obviously not because he's seen me.)  Jake says that he did one time.  The moment he was born.  With his mother.  The audience seems to think that's cute instead of being somewhat weird and uncomfortable.

10:25 - Oh, wait.  Jon Stewart thinks it's somewhat weird and uncomfortable.  "My guess is that's because she let you get to second base."  BAM.

10:25 - More standing and buttoning.  Then they talk some about the water in Jake's coffee mug and I guess a pipe blew in the studio...  Blah, blah...

10:26 - Back to Source Code!  Oh, wait.  No.  Back to Prince of Persia.  My God, the look on Jake's face when he hears that Jon has been playing the video game with his's the look of a man who thinks his movie based on that very video game should not have bombed the way it did.

10:27 - Hey, let's talk about Ubisoft and Montreal like that has anything to do with anything.

10:27 - Back to Source Code!  Oh, wait.  No.  Back to basketball.

10:27 - Earlier today, I thought about writing up a drinking game for this interview, with the only rule being to down an entire beer in one gulp when Jon and Jake started talking about sports.  Had I gone through with it, I would have been chugging right about now.

10:27 - Jake mentions that he was on Conan the other night and called him the "Abraham Lincoln of talk show hosts."  I wrote it down when he said it but, in editing my recap, I didn't really think it was worth including.  In a similar fashion, I'm not sure it's worth including that he calls Jon Stewart the "Spud Webb of talk show hosts," because I don't know who that is.

10:28 - Jon calls Jake the "Jake Gyllenhaal of movies" and that is the best way to end an interview ever.

HOT DAMN.  My shoulder's all cramped up now over all that typing whilst looking over at the television.  It is a hard, hard life that I lead...

As a reminder:  Jake will be on Good Morning, America tomorrow AND Live with Regis and Kelly.  I will not be live blogging those, but I'm probably good for a YouTube video later on (provided these things make it to YouTube)...

ALSO, important announcement for those in the UK:  Please watch The Movie Show tomorrow (Thursday) on ITV2 at 16:10!  And pay very close attention to the pop-ups.  And then come back here and excitedly tell me all about it. :)


Monday, March 28, 2011

Prophecy Girl Live Blogs Jake on Conan!

This should be extra-exciting because I have yet to watch Conan on his new network/time!  This is what happens when "hip" television personalities are pitted against The Daily Show.  Us youth voters become confused and just start going to bed early...

Hey, here's an unrelated recent picture of Jake looking strapping and masculine because instead of tying his shirt around his waist, like a pansy ass would, he's slung it over his shoulder, like a real man:


Here we go.

10:00 - Oops, I missed the first part because I was watching the tail end of The Soup on E!  Oh, that Joel McHale.  Always good for a giggle.

10:01 - Last of opening credits.  Thank God Jake is actually going to be on.  (Otherwise this blog could get awkward.)

10:07 - A new study finds that women start to feel old at 29.  For men, that age is 58.  As a twenty-nine-year-old female, I am now sad about society.  And I feel old.

10:12 - Conan admits that he never said that this was going to be an amazing show tonight

10:13 - "Big star" Jake Gyllenhaal will be on...later!  (In terms of applause enthusiasm, Jake is decidedly third after Randy Jackson and Panic at the Disco.)

10:17 - "Jake Gyllenhaal coming up very soon."  True story, all of the oil leaked out of my car yesterday, so I had to get up super early this morning to take it to the shop and I lost my entire day waiting on repairs and now I'm very tired.  So I'm really glad that Jake is always first on these shows (so I can go to bed, because it's all about me).  I wonder if that's because he requests that or because he's unerringly less famous than the other guests he shares the show with...

Whoa.  Deep thoughts there...

10:30 - It's young Jacob!  (And, as an aside, fuck him for looking so good right now.)

10:31 - Jackie the Stage Manager has told Jake, backstage, that Conan (who - see four time stamps above - has already said this is going to be a substandard show) is not excited at all to interview this Jake Gyllenhaal person.  Conan rebuts by insisting that every time he's ever seen Jake scampering around Hollywood, Jake has been "friendly."

No, wait, Conan amends, friendly "as celebrities go."

No, wait, PG amends from her living room, friendly "to other celebrities as celebrities go."

10:31 - Dude totally name-drops his own sister.  That's the patented Jake Gyllenhaal cue that this interview has officially started.

10:32 - Conan and Jake discuss the infamous beard-smelling incident of 2007, which JESUS was four years ago now and I'm still live blogging this shit.  (No wonder I feel old.)

10:33 - Jake tells a story about going to a restaurant one time and eating next to people with beards who talked like ship captains from the 1800s.  Later in the story, these people will speak with Irish (?) accents.  I'm not sure where this is going, but I cannot look away

10:35 - Much as Jake recently told us, through humor, that sometimes people think he's gay, Jake tells us, through humor, that people thought he was depressed when he grew that enormous beard over the summer.  But neither thing was true!  In the case of the beard, he just didn't shave.

10:35 - And sometimes women who don't shave also grow beards.  (WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED WITH THIS STORY I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.)

10:36 - Commercial break.

10:39 - And we're back!

10:39 - Movie talk.  Source Code is pretty effing sweet according to the two people now on television being paid to promote it.

10:40 - Jake explains that Ang Lee and Duncan Jones are, like, the exact same person, because they're both Asian sons of David Bowie.

10:41 - Jake tells how Duncan Jones used to keep him disoriented on set by putting an earwig in his ear and playing "Send in the Clowns."  Send in the Clowns?  SEND IN THE CLOWNS?!  THAT WAS ONLY THE THEME SONG OF THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW NEVER DIES.  This means that Duncan Jones has read the script and wants to turn it into a movie.

10:41 - Movie clip!  Oh, wait.  Dammit, I've already seen this clip.  I've seen one goddamned clip from this movie and it's this one...

10:43 - Er, I think maybe Jake is kind of giving too much of the story away.  I don't want to know anything!  I want to go and be like, what the hell is this movie I just paid to see????

10:43 - And it's OVER!

Whew!  That live blogging thing is always harder than I think it's going to be when I haven't done it in a while.  We'll try this again in two days with The Daily Show!


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Quote of the Week: Jimmy Kimmel Revisted

The following found its way to my inbox yesterday; it's from an individual who had just watched Jake's Jimmy Kimmel interview:

"Why is Mama Gyllenhaal so upset about teenyboppers following her movie star son while she is allegedly stalking Banksy in London?  I thought it was 'all about learning.'"

The author of that quote will remain anonymous, but it rang so true that I've had difficulty forgiving myself for looking past that rather obvious point.  Hello to the double standard...

And if you're confused as to what's being discussed here, then that's because you haven't read I'm Stalking Jake! by Becky Heineke (the world's greatest Jake Gyllenhaal-themed stalking memoir) and are thus pitifully ill-equipped to join in on our psychoanalysis of the Gyllenhaal family.  (That's your cue to go buy a copy!)


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Jake Tours One of His Sweatshops

(That kid down front totally made the shirt Jake's wearing.)

Utterly unrelated...

IN CASE you didn't repeatedly check the comments of the last post like a normal person, Jake will be on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Wednesday, March 30.  I will be all over live blogging that shit.

And if you were looking for another reason to have a crush on Jon Stewart, watch this clip from 2004 in which he skewers The Day After Tomorrow:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Intro - "The Day After Tomorrow"
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

Two guesses as to who found this clip and sent it to me! ;)


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Jake Talks About His Boyfriend Then Pimps Out Own Mother on National Televsion

But all of that paled in comparison to the most shocking incident on last night's Jimmy Kimmel interview:  a mere two seconds in, Jake Gyllenhaal - Jake Gyllenhaal! - decided to give someone fashion advice. 

Watch the multitudinously divided segment below...


Monday, March 21, 2011

This Jake Guy's About to Go to Work so I Guess I Should Too...

(I know, Jake.  I, too, find the thought of me acting like I'm keeping up with you hilarious.)

AT THIS POINT, these are the interviews Jake has lined up to promote Source Code (according to Vanessa, who knows a hell of a lot more than I do):

March 23 - Jimmy Kimmel Live on ABC; 11:05 pm Central Time
March 28 - Conan on TBS; 10:00 pm Central Time
March 31 - Live With Regis & Kelly on ABC; 9:00 am Central Time

I'm thinking maybe I'll live blog one of these.  I know!  It sounds crazy!  But for old times' sake and all...


Monday, March 14, 2011

Jake Gyllenhaal Gets Shins Splints Just Because I Had Them Too

Here, go read about my life, exactly, because all Jake Gyllenhaal ever does is read things about me on this blog and then give interviews talking about those exact same things.  He basically wants to be me, all the time.  (And who could blame him MY GOD LOOK AT ME.)

Even if I've never been in an Ikea in my life, it doesn't matter, because I LIKE MEATBALLS, TOO, JACOB.

(Also, this is all Vanessa because obviously I would never be on top of things enough to have these scanned in already.)

Complete Men's Journal article below the jump!



Sunday, March 13, 2011

All of the Important Things that Happened at SXSW this Weekend

1.  Jake hung out with Pee-wee Herman.

2.  Some dude tried to take Jake's picture in the men's room.*
3. Duncan Jones made fun of short people.

Best.  Film Festival.  Ever.

* Dlisted says Jake went medieval on his ass, TMZ says he calmly and rationally talked through the situation, and Dan, who was behind Jake in line for the bathroom, says the whole thing was just pretty damn hilarious.


Friday, March 11, 2011

Oh, What's That? Another Source Code Poster?

In honor of Source Code's debut at SXSW in Austin today (TEXAS STALKERS WHERE ARE YOU?), I present to you the many and thematically-unrelated ways in which this movie is being marketed:

Note:  That feeling of disorientation you're having right now is due to information overload.

Props to Vanessa for finding 90% of these!


Monday, March 7, 2011

Jake Now Available in Pocket Size

A week late, but still newsworthy...


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