Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Uh oh. Has Jake Gyllenhaal turned into a WEREWOLF?????

Unless you've been living in a remote region of the Serengeti since, oh, 2005, you probably already know that the third installment of the Twilight Saga (Eclipse) hits theaters today.

The Twilight Saga is quite popular with the youngs and the olds alike, for it is a ravishing tale of rampant and unexplained lust, and happily avoids major character deaths in all battle scenes.  It is the story of two men - one hot, one cold - and one woman - normal temperature - and their struggle to ward off their extreme three-way attraction.

But as each of us goes out into the world today and either sees this movie because of a deep connection to the characters and love for the books or doesn't see this movie because of a belief that the story as a whole spells the death of American literature, I will be here wondering what the hell is wrong with all of you.

Who cares about fake vampires and werewolves when there is a real werewolf in our midst?  AND HIS NAME IS JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

May I present Exhibit A:  A Day in the Life of Jake Gyllenhaal's Beard Growth

8:00 AM


8:00 PM

And that last shot is only about half an hours' growth away from looking like this:

IS THIS NORMAL?  No.  It's not.  Jake's been getting a lot of flack for his beard lately, but he can't help it.  Because Jake is a werewolf.  And I can prove it.

Exhibit B:  That Time Jake Was Attacked By A Werewolf

This is Jake immediately after being attacked by a werewolf.  The man wearing the shirt with the inspirational aphorism on the back tried to rush to his rescue but, as you can see, blood was spilled.  Jake was bitten.

Poor Jake.  He is inconsolable, knowing that he's slowly morphing into the monster that just attacked him.

And so it begins.  Jake Gyllenhaal is gone, and in his place is this HORRIBLE BEAST-MONSTER OF DOOM.

The beard is just the beginning.  Before long, Jake will look like this:
And he will have to forfeit all of his love interests to vampires.  The end.


Nothing Really Matters June 30, 2010 at 10:43 AM  

Darling I hope he has better moves than that last picture!

*cough* Team Edward *cough*

gyllenhaalisgr8 June 30, 2010 at 10:45 AM  

Oh my God, girl -- you are too hilarious! And it would be even funnier if it weren't so TRUE! I am humbled in the shadow of your creativity. YOU ROCK!

gyllenhaalisgr8 June 30, 2010 at 10:47 AM  

P.S. Now all you needed was a final photo of...Grizzly Adams! Just kidding -- it was PERFECT!

Becky Heineke June 30, 2010 at 11:00 AM  

I did actually find one picture of him looking even more scraggly (from 2007), but it was tiny and I went for size over scruff. :)

And I would like to say that I didn't purposefully not credit the monster picture, but I saved it long before this blog was in existence and I have no idea where I found it.

ALSO, I wrote this yesterday morning and then about died when I checked the comments of the last post and you guys were talking about his beard. HA!! ;D


KD,  June 30, 2010 at 11:01 AM  

Your humor kills me. And I mean that figuratively and all; I'm not actually dead or dying.

I really hope he gets a new movie project going that will require the shaving or at least trimming of that facial monstrosity. It seems that's Jake's only incentive to control that thing.

It's his Russian blood. All Russians have awesome (meaning great in size) beards.

Anonymous,  June 30, 2010 at 11:11 AM  


What's even better is that he's werewolf Jacob, AHAHAHAHAHA.

Damn, I was team Edward, but guess this means I'm turning to team Jake now

Call Me Mo June 30, 2010 at 11:22 AM  

I'm Team Gyllenhaal. That is all.

sumi k June 30, 2010 at 11:43 AM  

oh my gosh...LMAO. this is seriously the most hilarious post EVER. <3

now all he needs to do to fully embrace is wolfishness is to walk around shirtless. all. the. time.

lose the hoodie, gylls! we'll still accept you!

Vanessa,  June 30, 2010 at 11:54 AM  

OMG, I haven't stopped laughing yet, & am still wiping tears off my face. That was hysterical! I just found this fantastic blog the other day & am feverishly trying to catch up with all the previous posts & even your old blog, Jakewatch. Damn, woman, you have got to be the funniest blogger on the face of this earth! Keep it going & hope to hear that you get a book published, I will for sure buy it!

Becky Heineke June 30, 2010 at 12:48 PM  

Vanessa, your comment made my day!! I think it must have been the 2 1/2 year break or something because I seem to have a backlog of blog ideas! At some point I'll probably revert to the schedule I had on Jake Watch of posting every other day...but in the meantime, I hope you have many, many fun hours of blog catchup ahead of you!! ;D (And the book is coming!!! Hopefully by the end of the summer! Much more info to follow SOON... And it's called I'm Stalking Jake! so no one will be able to forget the title. ;))

Call Me Mo June 30, 2010 at 12:57 PM  

Random fact: If you put in, "I'm stalking" in Google "I'm stalking Jake" comes up as a suggestion. Google win!

Dani June 30, 2010 at 12:58 PM  

I could not agree more with you about everything you wrote on today's post!
Who needs a beautiful cold blood sucker or a smelly cute dog when you have Jake Gyllenhaal?! He can be all the above!!!

Call Me Mo June 30, 2010 at 1:19 PM  

Woo! Saving that link for later. I for sure need to order some buttons before JakeCon =]

Linda,  June 30, 2010 at 1:58 PM  

this is amazing! can't stop laughing, oh and he can bite me just whenever he wants! lol

you're the funniest girl! keep on rocking. :D

Anonymous,  June 30, 2010 at 2:01 PM  

HAHAHAHAH. love it. i personally like the scruff and beard. always have.

Becky Heineke June 30, 2010 at 2:42 PM  

I am famous through Google! OMG BANNER DAY!

Also deserving an OMG is JakeCon, which I would go to in an instant (*so much laughing right now*)...and I'm glad that Jake agrees with D on this one. Because sure Twilight is "big," but it clearly will never be able to reach its full potential in life because there is no Jake...

I'm glad everyone is enjoying this post. I laughed heartily whilst writing it. ;)

Vanessa,  June 30, 2010 at 3:07 PM  

Well PG, you have made a fan for life with me, so I am not just stalking Jake with you, I guess I will be stalking you too... Hmmm, that sounded a little weird, I guess. I will watch for the book for sure & btw you are not good for my work ethics, I have totally blown off working a lot of today so I could go back to the beginning of this new blog & catch up to today, but I am still not here yet!!! I am only on May 21st. There is so much & all so funny, I have been sitting here with a perpetual smile on my face when I am not laughing. You have really made my year. Thank you. I will be back every day without a doubt. Oh yeah, I already love the witty repartee between you & your orig. fellow bloggers or followers. So reading the comments is a must as well, I've discovered. Keep your Jake on...

Anonymous,  June 30, 2010 at 3:59 PM  

PG, you're becoming bigger and bigger every day, what'd I say about Jake asking you for an autograph in the end ;) Btw, love the book title, haha!

"now all he needs to do to fully embrace his wolfishness is to walk around shirtless. all. the. time."


coffeecat June 30, 2010 at 3:59 PM  

mmmm.....bwwah hahahahahaha!!!

Sam June 30, 2010 at 4:39 PM  

I saw Eclsipse at midnight last night... not as good as New Moon but still great. TEAM JACOB (on both accounts!!) HAHA! -and its probably a worry that ive just realised that connection-

Becky Heineke June 30, 2010 at 5:41 PM  

Seriously, Jake should BE so lucky as to get my autograph... ;D

Sam, I think you're the only one who's seen it so far! I'm waiting to hear the box office stats to see if I should break my trend and see this one in the theater. Yes, it's true: I base these decisions on Twilight's gross intake in comparison to Harry Potter's, because that is how big of a dork I am...

Vanessa, I'm pretty sure at some point in the comments I talked about how it was of deep personal pride to me that I could distract people from their work. :D I spent all of Jake Watch in a mindless job in which the blog was the only productive thing I did all day, so I'm ALL about lowering work productivity! I also don't mind being stalked so...chalk all this up to me taking pride in encouraging bad behavior. ;D Thanks for reading!!! Seriously, I endlessly enjoy embarrassing my friends with my craziness, but I truly appreciate anyone who's willing to be crazy with me. ;)

Call Me Mo July 1, 2010 at 2:58 PM  

JakeCon is a work in progress. It's basically gonna be me forcing other people to love Jake. :D It'll be a two-day event in multiple cities across the world. Can't wait!

Becky Heineke July 1, 2010 at 5:11 PM  

^^^ That sounds like the most amazing thing ever, and if I had money, I would sponsor you. WORK YOUR MAGIC!! ;D

Anonymous,  July 2, 2010 at 8:17 AM  

All I can say is, if he's going to end up looking like the character in that drawing... at least he'll still have nice calves.

Anonymous,  July 29, 2010 at 6:24 AM  

HAHA!! World's collide! LMAO! Brilliant work, getting som Twilight critique into ISJ :-D ON a scle of 1-10, how much do you hate Twilight?

"I base these decisions on Twilight's gross intake in comparison to Harry Potter's, because that is how big of a dork I am..."

- And that's why we love you, hon :-)

"how it was of deep personal pride to me that I could distract people from their work"

- well, mission accomplished, you've totally turned me into a slacker over here (OK, so maybe I had some of those tendencies before, but maybe I can still blame you? You mind?) :-D

Hugs // Linna

Anonymous,  July 29, 2010 at 6:54 AM  

And seriously, your blog is the finnuiest thing that has happened in the history of the internet. Just so you know.

// Linna

Paula,  August 5, 2010 at 3:10 PM  


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