Unless you've been living in a remote region of the Serengeti since, oh, 2005, you probably already know that the third installment of the Twilight Saga (Eclipse) hits theaters today.
The Twilight Saga is quite popular with the youngs and the olds alike, for it is a ravishing tale of rampant and unexplained lust, and happily avoids major character deaths in all battle scenes. It is the story of two men - one hot, one cold - and one woman - normal temperature - and their struggle to ward off their extreme three-way attraction.
But as each of us goes out into the world today and either sees this movie because of a deep connection to the characters and love for the books or doesn't see this movie because of a belief that the story as a whole spells the death of American literature, I will be here wondering what the hell is wrong with all of you.
Who cares about fake vampires and werewolves when there is a real werewolf in our midst? AND HIS NAME IS JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
May I present Exhibit A: A Day in the Life of Jake Gyllenhaal's Beard Growth
And that last shot is only about half an hours' growth away from looking like this:
IS THIS NORMAL? No. It's not. Jake's been getting a lot of flack for his beard lately, but he can't help it. Because Jake is a werewolf. And I can prove it.
Exhibit B: That Time Jake Was Attacked By A Werewolf
This is Jake immediately after being attacked by a werewolf. The man wearing the shirt with the inspirational aphorism on the back tried to rush to his rescue but, as you can see, blood was spilled. Jake was bitten.
Poor Jake. He is inconsolable, knowing that he's slowly morphing into the monster that just attacked him.
And so it begins. Jake Gyllenhaal is gone, and in his place is this HORRIBLE BEAST-MONSTER OF DOOM.
The beard is just the beginning. Before long, Jake will look like this: