Stalking Jake Gyllenhaal: Not Just For Commoners Anymore

IMPORTANT QUESTION:  Though obviously Jake Gyllenhaal should be rigidly protected from people like us, do people like us need to be protecting Jake from his fellow celebrities?  Let's let the evidence speak for itself.

Jessica Alba*:

Q:  So you’re done with dating stars now…but do you still have any celeb crushes?
A:  I would have to say [some guy], [some other guy], [another guy], [a dude], and Jake Gyllenhaal.

Ashley Tisdale**:

"...Ashley’s other crush, Jake Gyllenhaal...”

Will Forte:

Q:  What male SNL host has made the female cast members most flustered?
A:  Jake Gyllenhaal. Not only did every woman have a crush on him, it seemed like there were a lot of dude crushes, too.

NOT COOL, HOLLYWOOD.

Even worse, it's not just the people in these interviews.  Everywhere Jake goes, these celebrity types are throwing themselves at him left and right.  It can be downright painful to watch him try to be polite in the uncomfortable situations that arise when his extreme hotness overwhelms other famous people and causes them to act out in desperation for his attention...

(Aniston is a double offender.)

 

I don't even know who this last woman is, but I'm embarrassed just looking at her.

Poor Jake.  He really did get stuck with a bad lot in life, being born with that face and all...  NO ONE CAN RESIST HIM.  It's a testament to the man he is that he's able to soldier on while the rest of the human race loses its daily battle to restrain itself.

* Jessica Alba interview from 2005.
** Ashley Tisdale interview from 2009.
Thanks to KD for alerting me to the 2 Cosmo articles!  And I think someone sent me the Will Forte interview as well, but I am so, so sorry that I've forgotten already where it came from! :(