Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010: I'll Likely Look Back On It As "Character-Building"

For the past couple of years, I've kept a handwritten journal where I jot down a few lines about the most important things that happen each day.  Here's a glimpse into what I deemed important enough to write down in 2010.


I start the year knowing I'm about to get laid off.  I know because I work in the financial world, where disclosure is everything.  I also know my boss is angry at me because she doesn't want me to know yet.  I know that because I have a co-worker who's been keeping me in the loop while I've taken off for Christmas.  I spend most of my Christmas vacation anxious and worried...

January 4 - I'm back at work and I learn that I have two weeks or less.  I won't know when it's coming.  I just have to show up for the next two weeks knowing that any morning there could be a box on my desk...

January 8 - My new phone - my first new phone in 3.5 years - is a piece of shit and AT&T won't give me a refund or a new phone.  I refuse to pay for another one and so revert back to using my old phone.  [It'll be spring of next year before I'm eligible for my next free upgrade.]

January 11 - See The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.  Am depressed.

January 13 - Earthquake in Haiti.

January 14 - I get laid off.

January 19 - Get a library card.  Ted Kennedy's seat goes to a Republican.

January 20 - I get sick.

January 22 - I turn 28.  Despite the year so far, I'm optimistic about the days ahead.

January 25 - Go in for an oil change and walk out needing $350 worth of work on my car.

January 26 - Find out car needs additional $250 worth of work.

January 28 - Megan has her baby!  Jon. :)


Armed with books and internet research, I start trying to find an agent and a publisher.

February 6 - My plans to go to Las Vegas with Kara and Alex crumble when we find out that Alex might be deployed as early as March, and not late in the year as he originally thought.

February 7 - The Saints win the Super Bowl.

February 10 - Visit the unemployment office.  Unhelpful advice from multiple people in multiple states has led to me...applying incorrectly.  Unemployment lady loudly and humiliatingly announces as much in a full and cold and depressing office after hours of waiting.

February 12 - Winter Olympics start.  I lose myself for the next 2 weeks in Olympic hysteria.  Unrelated, my parents' neighbor's house burns to the ground.

February 16 - Buy a betta, bringing my pet total to...two fish.

February 20 - Betta.  Won't.  Eat.

February 21 - My teeth hurt because I'm grinding them at night.  Still can't get my book proposal right.  Keep having these awful dreams where I'm looking and looking and looking for something but I can never find it...

February 22 - Submit my book to five agencies.

February 23 - And one more.

February 24 - And two more.  I'm sick with anxiety.

February 27 - Co-worker I was laid off with calls to say she's found a job.

February 28 - Winter Olympics end.  Canada beats U.S. in nailbiter hockey game.


March 1 - Get my first rejection from an agent.  Scrap book cover idea on disapproval of parents.

March 5 - Betta finally fucking eats.  When I feed him goldfish food.

March 8 - Kara's birthday and 6th (!) anniversary of us seeing the Queen in Windsor.

March 10 - Corey Haim dies.

March 11 - I do my taxes and I owe the government $663.  Former employer payroll = still screwing me over.

March 14 - Spring forward.

[Spend entire week thinking Kara is coming this weekend to see little Jon.  Realize on Sunday it's next weekend.]

March 21 - House passes health care bill.  Yes.  We.  Can.

March 22 - Submit to another agency.

March 23 - Obama signs healthcare bill into law (!).  Submit to 3 more agencies.

March 24 - Two more.

March 27 - Third floor neighbor has seizure.  Come home from morning run to ambulance in the driveway...


April 1 - Three weeks of extensive cleaning end in the cleanest this place has been since I've moved in.  Kara arrives.

April 3 - Bunny Run (first 5k Megan and I did together; we've done it every year since 2007).  With Megan and Jon and Kara.

April 4 - Kara goes home after strange and unsettling trip.  Heath's birthday.

April 5 - Spend most of the day in Mississippi helping the parents with a burn.  Farm being used as part of an Audubon native wildflower grant.  I breathe in smoke and smother fire all day.

April 7 - Yearly gynecological exam.

April 10 - 40th anniversary of the Beatles breaking up.  Polish president dies in a plane crash.  Realization:  I've written a book about being ignored and now I'm being ignored by the people who can help me get published.  I start looking into self publishing.

April 14 - Sick.

April 15 - Kara = obsessed with boys.  Me = desperately trying to work up the courage to write about Jake again.

April 16 - Talk to iUniverse (my eventual publisher).

April 17 - PR at the YV 5k.  Finish book cover after off-handed comment from Susie leads to much-needed inspiration.  Twelve years since Linda McCartney died.

April 19 - Sign contact with iUniverse.

April 21 - Start work on

April 22 - Earth Day!

April 25 - Finish ISJ! website

April 27 - Seventeen years since my first Paul McCartney concert.  Decide to go live with new website May 11.

April 28 - Kara has first date with her eventual boyfriend.  She calls me immediately afterward.  And nearly every day after that for the next six weeks.

April 20 - Cantara e-mails to say that Stephen's getting married again.  Oil rig blows up in the Gulf.


May 1 -  Memphis FLOODS.  9.3 inches of rain overnight.  Swimming pool at parents' house three feet under water.

May 5 - iUniverse balks at using any photographs of Jake.  I cry.

May 6 - Drive to Bloomington, Indiana, to see Kara.

May 7 - Kara has doctor's appointment, finds out she needs knee surgery.

May 10 - Drive home from Indiana.  Kara will call in the next couple of days to say her friends in Indiana asked her why I looked like I was "so freaked out."

May 11 - Every intention of starting new Jake blog computer, after 2 years of faithful, uninterrupted service, DIES.  Leave computer at Apple Store, go to Best Buy, buy $300 laptop to tide me over.

May 12 - Start blog.  Get 43 hits my first day.

May 13 - Apple Store calls to tell me I've lost everything on my hard drive.  I cry.  Pick up computer from Apple and take it to local store to see what they can do.

May 14 - Local store confirms that...there is absolutely nothing wrong with my hard drive and I haven't lost anything.  Fuck you, Genius Bar.

May 15 - Journal entry reads:  "I hate to say it, but I'm sick of Jake already."

May 18 - Get my computer back.

May 20 - Manuscript goes off to editor.

May 22 - James Marsters engaged (!).

May 28 - Gary Coleman dies.  Have photo session for author pictures.  See Prince of Persia with Megan and Melissa.  We're silent as we leave the theater.  Megan finally (bravely) says, "Well, he looked really good!"

May 29 - Dennis Hopper dies.  Journal reads, "So.  Prince of Persia might not exactly be the fan magnet I was counting on..."


June 1 - Al and Tipper Gore split.

June 2 - Get tickets to see Paul McCartney in Nashville.

June 4 - Kara and I get into an awkward fight.  I think we're okay, but we won't talk again for most of the summer.

June 6 - Jane Velez-Mitchell of CNN Headline News interviews me over the phone for a book she's writing.  When her assistant calls to set up the interview, she doesn't specify which blog she's interested in me talking about, so I spend several minutes on Prince of Persia before she interrupts to ask about my feelings on human overpopulation.  Uhhh...oops.

June 12 - U.S. plays England in the World Cup.  Score is 1-1.

June 15 - The photographer who took THIS picture of Jake denies me permission to use it for the Civil War album cover for my book.  Stung, I'm forced to completely reconfigure the picture sequence.

June 16 - Three weeks since I submitted my manuscript to the editor.  Who was to have it back to me in two weeks.  I've already been pestering the publisher, but now I'm freaking.

June 18 - My brother cuts off the tip of his thumb at work.

June 22 - High of 100 and I lose my electricity for an hour in the heat of the day.

June 23 - John flies to London to work Hard Rock Calling.

June 24 - Find out my car needs $1200 worth of work.  Someone steals an entry from this blog and posts it under her own name at IHJ.  Still no word on my manuscript.  I'm a little fragile.

June 26 - U.S. bows out of the World Cup after crushing defeat to Ghana in overtime.

June 28 - Our family cat, Rose, dies at the age of 16.  Mom and Dad find her ripped to shreds in the backyard, having been consumed by some wild animal.  Concerned by the graphic violence of her death, they take pictures to show to Animal Control.  They suggest I don't look at them.  I don't.


July 1 - Find out Megan will be moving to Texas next month.

July 2 - Go to Mississippi to spend the Fourth with family.  Having an adverse reaction to a medication; side effects include panic attacks and depression.  I wish I was making this up.

July 5 - Get my manuscript back.  THE RELIEF.  Editor has only minor suggestions.  I go through the entire book, line-by-line, in one week.  John comes home from Europe.

July 7 - Get a Facebook message from a friend of Jake's telling me Jake likes my blog.  Skeptical, I respond with the written equivalent of an eye roll.

July 8 - I realize that the individual above actually pans out in terms of authenticity.  So entrenched in editing, so embarrassed by my low traffic numbers, and so unimpressed that after all this time, Jake might know who I am, I can't find the determination to care.

July 13 - Submit edited manuscript.  Having found 21 errors my editor missed, I think I'm done.

July 15 - iUniverse tells me my marketing information is "woefully inadequate" and they won't give me an Editor's Choice designation unless I come up with something better.  I pitch a fit.

July 16 - I'm Editor's Choice.  But only if I capitalize the word "internet" in my book.  I pitch another fit.

July 17 - Get into a fight with Alex, who is now in Afghanistan, over Fox News.  Before we take a break from communicating while we both regain our composure, he fills me in on Kara's summer.  Finding out he knows more about what's going on in Kara's life than I do sends me into a despondent tailspin.

July 21 - Alex calls me.  We reconcile.  iUniverse does not recant my Editor's Choice status, despite my refusal to capitalize "internet."  Book should be out in a week.  Panic attacks not getting any better.

July 26 - PAUL McCARTNEY CONCERT IN NASHVILLE.  Before leaving, I go to a doctor's appointment.  Blood is drawn and the nurse botches the job, resulting in blood quite literally shooting out of my arm, horror-movie style, and pooling in a puddle in my pants.  Doctor, nurse, and I all horribly disturbed.

July 28 - Make that next week for the book.

July 29 - My fellow tenants move out, leaving my internet situation in a precarious position.


It's hot.  It's so hot people are dropping dead.  In my second floor apartment, with the air conditioning full blast and all the shutters closed, it's 90 degrees inside.  The heat index hits 120 multiple days in a row.  The book isn't out and iUniverse is ignoring me.  Blog traffic is dismal.  My last remaining friend in Memphis is moving away.  My friends outside of Memphis aren't talking to me.  I have another two months on the panic-attack-inducing medication.  I have no job.  I'm lonely.  My unemployment benefits might not be extended because of political theater in Congress.  I get out of bed every morning to write a blog I can't get anyone to read to promote a book I can't get published...  I'm cracking up.

August 7 - First day of half marathon training.

August 10 - Say goodbye to Megan.  Develop muscle spasm in my back.

August 11 - Someone starts a rumor on Twitter that Jake has died.  I'm so angry I have delusions of reaching through my computer screen and strangling the perpetrator.

August 13 - Unemployment benefits extended.  Manuscript not done after all.  Start editing the book line-by-line one last time.

August 18 - Submit manuscript for the last time.  Book should be out to two weeks...  (I've heard that before.)  I'm grinding my teeth at night again...

August 19 - Go to a Breakaway run and random guy I don't know spends the better part of an hour lecturing me on how shitty a salesperson I am.  Worst part is that he's not entirely wrong.  I come home exhausted.

August 27 - Book is in.  Ready to go to the printer.  Will be out in a week.  Definitely.  Maybe.  Pick up last prescription.

August 30 - Kara's supposed to call.  She doesn't.

August 31 - End of combat in Iraq.


September 1 - Book goes to print.  Live on iUniverse.  Should be on Amazon in 2 weeks.

September 3 - WHOA, BOOK OUT.  All that waiting and the one time I could have actually used the 2 weeks to get the promotional wheels turning.  Nearly 5 years of work and...there are people who read the whole thing in one day...

September 4 - Ten-year high school reunion.  It's weird, awkward, and everyone is fat.

September 8 - Hold a hard copy of my book in my hands for the first time.  It's surreal.

September 10 - My brother might be moving away now.  And book sales have crashed already.  One-hundred and eighty posts in four months for nothing.  No one cares.

September 14 - Really, REALLY bad muscle spasm in my back.  My whole body jerks.  I can't sleep.  I can't sit.  The pain is almost unbearable.

September 17 - Journal entry:  "I'm so depressed.  Nothing is selling.  I think I failed."

September 18 -  Complete and utter breakdown.  It's all been for nothing.

September 19 - I've cried more in the past 24 hours than I've ever cried in my life.  Mom (rightfully) tells me that blogging about Jake again has taken me "to a dark place."  Muscle spasm almost gone, but now that I'm sleeping again, my dreams are awful.  Just awful...

September 20 - Change blog.

September 23 - I wouldn't even call it a crush.  But it might turn into one if I wait long enough.  Or at least it could have...before today.  I don't have the energy to deal with this crap.

September 24 - Go to St. Louis to see some friends.  Spend the weekend drinking and winning at poker.  It's.  Awesome.

September 27 - Off medication!

September 28 - A good friend's dad dies, very unexpectedly.


October 1 - My brother moves to New York to go to culinary school.

October 2 - Fly to Seattle.  Spend fun weekend with friends.  Try not to think about the money I'm spending.

October 5 - Fly home.

October 6 - Dude from Fox contacts me about the Love & Other Drugs Facebook page.  For all of one week, I will feel like something is actually going right and someone might acknowledge that I'm good at what I do.  But he winds up ignoring me and the real question is why I let my hopes get up in the first place.

October 7 - Journal entry:  "Oh, look at that.  It's back to being 90 degrees in Memphis.  And oh, look at that.  My a/c is out.  And oh, look at that.  [My landlords] are in Puerto Rico until sometime next week.  And the internet is down.  And I have monster cockroaches.  FML."

October 12 - First speed workout, where the person who invited me doesn't show up, and the people who are there politely tolerate my horrifying slowness.

October 14 - Drive to Nashville.  Kara's there at an academic conference.  I want to make things right.  We haven't talked all summer and she's my best friend and I'm missing out on her life and she's missing out on mine.  But she's sick, out of breath, pulse racing...  She tells me she didn't want to come on this trip, that something is "really wrong."  She doesn't want to go to a Nashville doctor, though, and I don't know what to do.  We have lunch together and then I drive home.

October 16 - Kara dies.  Pulmonary embolism.  Probably a blood clot in her knee, from her recent surgery.

October 19 - Autopsy results.

October 21 - Drive to Kansas with Jamie and Kathryn.  Pick up Greta on the way and meet Megan there.

October 22 - Kara's funeral.  Worst day of my life.

October 23 - Drive home.

October 24 - First rain in Memphis in 90 days.

October 25 - Stevey G blows me off.

October 26 - Go out.  Get very drunk.

October 29 - Plans to attend Rhodes Homecoming fall through after a friend only now informs me that she's not coming.  Suddenly, I have no plans for the weekend.  Spend Halloween alone.  Book doesn't make it to the alumni section in the bookstore because the bookstore "can't find" my book to order it.


November 1 - Polish off entire bottle of wine with my landlady.

November 2 - Three years since Jake Watch ended.  And look at me.

November 8 - Go out to dinner with a friend I haven't seen in years.  When we're done, all I want to do is call Kara and fill her in...

November 11 - Bad day.  Just...bad day.

November 12 - Breakaway Women's Night, where I have a table.  And (try to) sell my book.  I'd be hard-pressed to find a scenario in which I was more uncomfortable.

November 13 - Run alone.  In the rain.  Upside:  a double rainbow follows me for several miles.

November 16 - [Long-time, well-publicized crush] Prince William engaged to Kate Middleton.

November 18 - Midnight screening of HP7.1

November 22 - Buy new running shoes.

November 24 - Head to Illinois with the parentals for Thanksgiving.

November 28 - Home.  See Love & Other Drugs.  Get into my car when it's over and scream.  And scream.  Because I wanted so much to like it.  And I don't.


December 1 - US Weekly hits us with Jake and Taylor.  I can't even.

December 2 - Megan and little Jon arrive for the half marathon.

December 4 - Wake up sick.  Run the best race OF MY LIFE anyway.

December 4 (night) - Spend the entire night sicker than hell and throwing up.

December 5 - Meg goes home to Texas.  Jamie gives birth to a little girl.  Life goes on...

December 7 - Elizabeth Edwards dies.  My grandma is horribly sick and in the hospital.

December 8 - Grandma okay.  Thirtieth anniversary of John Lennon's death.

December 14 - Christmas run.  I should not drink with these people...

December 18 - Don't Ask, Don't Tell repealed.

December 20/21 - Full lunar eclipse.  First one on the Winter Solistice since 1638.  I set my alarm and stumble outside at 2 am.  But it's cloudy so I can't see anything.

December 23 - John comes home for the first time since starting school.  I go to Mom and Dad's and just stay.  We have a wonderful Christmas together, just the four of us.

December 30 - I post this entry.

Books read in 2010:  28.5

Movies seen:  23

Miles run: ? (over 400)

It's just life, you know?  Just life.  I have big plans for changing things in 2011.  Stay tuned...  I'm not so foolish as to make any predictions about 2011 being "better," but if I have anything to say about it, it will be different.

Happy New Year, everybody!!!!!!!


Friday, December 24, 2010


Well, it wouldn't be Christmas for me without some Lennon...


...and a Beatles Christmas record or two.

(And if you're not celebrating any holidays right now, HAPPY WEEKEND!!)

I'll be back with a year-in-review entry in a few days!


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Hurry, Christmas, Hurry Fast...

And from the complete opposite side of the spectrum:


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Regardless of the blog I happen to be writing...

...I always drop the ball when it comes to posting at Christmas.

Well.  NOT THIS YEAR, dammit.

This year we're singing Christmas carols.  And by "singing Christmas carols," I mean "watching YouTube videos of songs that are on my seasonal iTunes playlist."

I have a feeling most of you are going to completely ignore this and every other song I post between now and December 25...but that's fine.  You're only hurting yourself if you don't embrace my exceptional taste in holiday music:

Feliz Navidad, baby!


Sunday, December 19, 2010

International Jake Day!

Today Jake Gyllenhaal will receive his AARP card and hit up the early bird special for dinner because HE IS OLD NOW.  We know this because he has spent the entirety of the last year of his life looking ahead to this very birthday, answering questions and speaking reflectively about how only people who are truly ancient have ages that are more than twenty-nine.

What?  You don't think that Jake is old?  You are wrong.  Here he is eating supper at 4:00 in the afternoon with some fellow senior citizens:

And here is his senior center identification photo:

Okay, enough of that.  Time for the important stuff:  prezzies!

Dear Jake,
The last (and only) time I was around to help you celebrate your birthday, it was such an ordeal that I devoted an entire chapter of my book to it!

But this year, uh, we have this here recession on so, er...all I got you was a Snickers bar and a Twitter account.

HAHAHAA just kidding, you would never use the Twitter account, ever.  But the candy bar is yours!

Have fun with the walruses,

(Fellow stalkers:  I'm now going to drink myself into a stupor in honor of Jake's lost youth, and I suggest you do, too.)


Friday, December 17, 2010

HAHA Everyone I Know Knows Famous People

Or at least knows where they run/listens to them shower.

Fun stories ahead, folks!

Story #1:  I was running last night (like I do) with people faster and more competent at "athletic skill" than I am, and I met someone who used to run with Jake (!!!).

Okay, that is a minor exaggeration, although not really, actually.  She used to see Jake run all the freaking time because they ran in the same places pretty much always.  She told me his route(s), specifically, but even though he doesn't run there anymore (maybe?!), I have suffered a sudden bout of "having a conscience" and have decided not to post the exact directions.  But I will post nebulous Google Maps satellite images and whatever you do with them is beyond my control.

Story #2:  Someone I know (and who knows me) has a daughter who works at Yale.  Said daughter lives next door to James Franco.  Said someone stayed with said daughter and heard James Franco shower every morning that she was there.

So you heard it here first:  Franco is a morning shower person.  And Jake runs like he lives:  in a steady, consistent, monotonous pattern, and damn him if he isn't a faster runner than I am (though, really, who isn't a faster runner than I am?).

Aren't you glad you know me?  Happy weekend.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Post of the Day!

I have a lot of posts saved in draft form from earlier in the life of the blog.  Some were entries that I threw together in anticipation of a slow day that never came, others weren't ever fleshed out enough (or were too dumb) to ever see the light of day.  And others still I never posted because they just seemed kind of weird.

Representing category number three, here is an entry (and an actual dream) that I didn't post on August 2, 2010:

I had this dream last night where I was checking into a hotel and Jake was sitting in the lobby with Tom Hardy and Robert Downey Jr.

Robert and Tom were having an animated chat, but Jake had on sunglasses and was staring moodily at nothing in particular.  'Ugh,' I thought in my dream.  'Why bother even going over there when he's like this?'  (Because apparently I was well-acquainted with Jake's various moods and what that meant in terms of talking to people in hotel lobbies.)

I realized at that exact moment that I was starving, so I headed to the hotel restaurant, which was actually the dining room of the Titantic.  I'd no sooner sat down than Tom Hardy joined me and the first words out of his mouth were:  "What are you?  Like, seventeen?!"  And then my parents showed up out of nowhere to sit at the table with us and Tom Hardy started talking to them.  I kept trying to tell him I wasn't underage but he wouldn't stop talking over me.

So I flounced off and no one noticed.

I wound up on a cobblestone street somewhere in Europe and saw a crowd gathered to watch something on a huge screen.  I thought it was a soccer game until I realized it was actually the trailer for Love & Other Drugs.  Instead of watching it myself, I walked off while thinking, 'At least I have something to post about tomorrow!'

And then I woke up.

(Back on August 2, you were spared this entry after some old pictures of Jake showed up.  Today, you weren't so lucky... ;))


Monday, December 13, 2010

Hey, Did You Hear the One About the Helicopter?

Last week, several gossip sites reported that Jake and Taylor Swift had called the cops on the paparazzi and, in response, the LAPD sent a helicopter for their protection.  Whether or not this was necessary has become an issue of some debate, particularly since the last time we saw Jake and Taylor together, they were treating the paparazzi a little differently...

So what does Jake really think about photographers?  It's a rite of passage for every fan community to argue over it and Jake's fans are notorious for loving this particular fight.  My own hopelessly vague conclusion can be found in the second-to-last chapter of a certain book I wrote...but you can't blame those of us on the ground for being confused.

Here's Jake loving the attention:

And here's Jake hating it:







This post doesn't really have a point.  I just wanted to throw out this observation...


Friday, December 10, 2010

Jake Forces Small Child to Push His Luggage Through Airport

And no, I'm not talking about his girlfriend.  (Zing!) 

One trip to Australia and suddenly he's all "above child labor laws."  Tsk, tsk, Mr. Gyllenhaal...


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How Many Goddamn Pictures of Jake Did You Australians Take? (A Poem, by Prophecy Girl)

Jake is in the Land of Oz.
He flew in Saturday because
A film he wants us all to see,
Let's look at his publicity!

Here is Jake in Sydney and

His coffee cup's secure in hand:

A photoshoot's where he went next:

Stop right there, Jake, on the X!

Then it was time to take some questions:

With his usual pained facial expressions:

For the carpet he wore an Oxford gray:

But (damn) was outshone by Anne Hathaway:

Oh!  It's Jake upon a boat:

Oh!  He loves this poem I wrote:

With Anne he walked around a bunch:

And then he met U2 for lunch:

But home is where he goes from there:

In fact, right now he's in the air!

Before I switch this back to prose,
There is one question I must pose:
My God, Australia, how'd you take
So goddamn many pics of Jake?!

Ten zillion more shots at IHJ.


Monday, December 6, 2010

My First Royalty Check and Other Adventures of the Weekend!

Up:  I got my first royalty check over the weekend, thus making it official:  I have made money through writing!

Down:  The check for my first quarter of sales was not dissimilar from my weekly unemployment check (which I will soon no longer be getting because my benefits run out at the end of the month).  Yay for following your dreams and winding up utterly destitute!

Up:  I ran a fantastic half-marathon on Saturday.  Judging by the lack of responses to the previous post, I doubt many of you care, but:

That's a 10:14 mile (!).  As a former 12:30-miler, this was an amazing accomplishment for me and I will be gloating about it for some time.

Down:  I woke up sick as hell the day of the race.  I then contracted a second illness and threw up all over the place the evening after the race.  I am still so sick I can hardly move.

Up:  A bunch of Jake stuff happened this weekend in Australia.

Down:  Because I was busy throwing up and running races and half-cheering/half-crying over my financial situation, I missed all of it and do not have a Jake-themed post for you today. :(  (Up:  This is why we have a forum! ;))


Friday, December 3, 2010

Ouch, Baby. Very Ouch.

What a week for the Jake fans among us!

First, some of us saw Love & Other Drugs for the very first time, and of those of us who did, there was about an 85% chance that it didn't live up to at least some of our expectations...

Then, an exciting US Weekly photoshoot was revealed, which also disappointed roughly 85% of viewers (though not necessarily the same 85% as above).

And as if all of this wasn't enough, our poor little blog here was attacked by a rabid John Barrowman fan who found the post from August in which I called for John Barrowman to be hanged by the neck until dead; s/he was so disgusted by us that s/he wanted to let us know (anonymously) that:

"Ur all a bunch of idiotic assholes for taking what he said so seriously. This whole deluded ownership of Jake Gyllenhaal is, in all honesty, pretty damn pathetic. Get a life all you fools, and stop ragging on John Barrowman..."

(There was some other stuff, too, but that was the part that got the point across.)

Dear anonymous commenter,
I appreciate you taking the time to read this blog but I will never stop hating John Barrowman for trying to take ownership of Jake Gyllenhaal from me.
Prophecy Girl (Head Idiotic Asshole)

I don't know what you all are doing to relieve the horrendous stress of this week, but this idiotic asshole is running a half-marathon tomorrow morning.  My friend Megan, (yes, readers of the book, that Megan!) is in town for the event and we're both looking forward to not having use of our knees for the next 48 to 72 hours.  Hooray!

And I'm telling you this because, for some reason, I feel compelled to announce such things on the internet these days.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!!


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Jake & Taylor: US Weekly Confirms What We Already Knew (Though I'm Guessing My Laughing for Five Full Minutes Wasn't the Reaction They Were Going For)

In Chapter 15 of the riveting social commentary I'm Stalking Jake!, intrepid author Becky Heineke (me) describes a scenario in which sometime movie star and all-the-time celebrity Jake Gyllenhaal started dating a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman, kept it under wraps, waited until the weekend his movie opened in the United States to be officially "caught" with her by photographers, and then had those photographs unveiled to the public in the middle of the following week.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  Spoiler alert:  This tactic didn't help Rendition

I went to two bookstores this morning and neither had this yet, although I did discover that US Weekly has a full Taylor Swift special edition magazine out right now, with a Justin Bieber inset on the cover and a section on Taylor's dating tips ("I love it when you're having a hilarious conversation where your stomach hurts because you're laughing so hard").  Well, Taylor, maybe you and I should date because I was laughing like that when I saw the US Weekly cover.

My friend Greta (yes, readers of the book, that Greta!) is living in Nashville right now.  This is the text message she sent me on Monday:

Someday I'll tell the thrilling tale of why I am still using my same Motorola Razr from 2006...  Maybe that same day, I'll tell the story about Prince William visiting Nashville in 2004 and my college roommate's sister missing him at the mall by a mere 24 hours.  Nashville can suck it.  But in the meantime, I anxiously await someone else's successful quest to find this magazine so the article can be scanned in and we can all mock it mercilessly.

Seriously, I could set my watch by him...  

Thanks to Monica for posting the cover in the forum!


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