Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Yo, Jake. You and me...I think we're cool now.

Prophecy Girl


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Oh, wow. Okay.

For the first time since its publication, I read I'm Stalking Jake! cover to cover this week.

I am extremely proud of the end product.  I'm proud of the work that I did with Jake Watch, and remain astonished at my luck in finding such a productive and complementary partner in Susie (britpopbaby).

And yet I also now understand why so many people have commented to me on the "honesty" of the book as a whole.  As I wrote it, I was concerned I may come off as too sanctimonious.  I see now that those fears were ungrounded; I did a remarkable job of leaving my character flaws prominently in place.

It made me laugh, it made me clench up in rage...it was surreal to acknowledge that the story that I was reading was the story of my own life.  And not only that, but the story of my life as written by me.  That being the case, I can't quite explain how it was that I stayed up past my bedtime three nights in a row because I was dying to know "what happened next."

Jake Watch wasn't just a blog.  It was an adventure.  And it was a work of art - living and breathing art - that swept me and so many other people up in its wake.  I comment at one point toward the end of the book that there was nothing like it on the internet.  And there wasn't; there still isn't, and I doubt there ever will be.

If you haven't yet read the book, I strongly encourage you to do so.  An endorsement from the author may seem like a conflict of interest, but I wrote the damn thing and I hadn't read it yet, either.   Not really.  Not from the perspective of a reader, rather than a writer.

And now that I have, the only thing that I can say is that I am so incredibly glad that I wrote it.  Wow.  What a ride...


Monday, December 19, 2011

Well, I Suppose I Should Post Something, Shouldn't I?

Happy Birthday to Jake Gyllenhaal, who today is older than shit.  In celebration of him having a birthday (a fine accomplishment), I'm going to post an (oldish?) picture (below) of Jake sitting with some schoolchildren, as that is precisely the type of photo op that makes him seem happy and well-adjusted, as well as relevant, and those are three things that I honestly cannot vouch for him on at the moment.

My biggest wish for Jake on this day is that someone gives him a new pair of pants, because he has worn the same pair of army green cargo pants every single fucking day for the entire month of December so far.  And no, I'm not posting a picture of him wearing them because a) they are terrible, and b) I'm actually extremely suspicious that all of these pictures come from as many different days as the dates on them would lead us to believe.   EVEN JAKE GYLLENHAAL changes clothes more often than that.  (Usually.)

In conclusion, Happy Holidays to anyone out there who still checks this practically-defunct site!  I wish you all the best in 2012!  May your holiday season be filled with warmth, joy, and much, much more important and meaningful things than Jake Gyllenhaal's pants.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Man Shows Appropriate Level of Excitement to be Sharing Subway with Jake

(Picture courtesy of some chick on Tumblr.)


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Onward and Upward!

It's Homecoming weekend at Rhodes College.

And the bookstore is currently carrying ONLY THE BEST in alumni-penned books.

This blog, of course, exists to promote that book (though understandably casual passersby often mistake it for promoting Jake himself), and as I reach the end of my marketing potential through Jake fans, and as I continue to close in on finishing a second book, this blog just isn't getting the attention from me it once did.

But I will continue to post on the schedule that I have been, i.e., when something strikes me, there will be a post.  Because of a recent discussion in the comments though, I wanted to address something...

I have a lot of affection for Jake Gyllenhaal.  I wouldn't have done any of this if I didn't.  But my reputation outside of this small community is suspect at best, which I think partly comes from a misunderstanding about my feelings toward him and a misunderstanding of why I wrote the book that I did.

Jake's human.  I'm human.  I've made many mistakes over my career as a fan, and he's made just as many in his role as a celebrity.  Being able to talk about that, being realistic about what fame/popularity does to a person, and being open about disappointments - from all sides - that's what I'm all about.  Jake was part of my journey into adulthood.  That's why I wrote the book.  It's not about exposing his flaws or settling scores with other bloggers; it's about me growing up a little over the course of a celebrity crush.

And maybe one of the biggest mistakes I've made through this whole process was assuming that the people who currently have a crush on him would want to read about how my personal experience shaped me.

But for all of you who get it, and get me, (because I don't say it enough) thank you for reading. :)


Monday, October 10, 2011

Peter Sarsgaard Is *Not Happy* About Jake's New Look

(^^^Look at the rage on this man's face!!!!!)

Fat load of good it did.  Jake still showed up to the NYC Film Festival looking like a fucking hipster:

The dude has a neatly-trimmed beard, follows Mumford and Sons around the country, and spends all of his money on unpronounceable coffee-like beverages.  I love Sarsgaard and all, but he should have been angry about Jake being a hipster long before those ridiculous glasses showed up...


Friday, October 7, 2011

Today in Jake Watch History

As things grind to a halt around here, what with my focus being on things other than Jake and everyone else's focus also being on things other than Jake, I wanted to share some of the posts that made Jake Watch (the blog that preceded this one and that inspired my book) the unique, hilarious, and groundbreaking piece of internet art that it was.

Here's a post from October 7, 2006, written by the incomparable britpopbaby:


You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.

1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.

2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:

Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No. 2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No. 2. What's her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.

3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No. 1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No. 1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Jake Gyllenhaal: Still a Generic, Run-of-the-Mill Human Being

Jake needs to come hang out with me for a while.  Not because I want him around (we're on frosty terms at the moment), but because I'm a magnet for hysteria.  And Jake is a magnet for banality.  And maybe the two of us could even each other out to the point where we both had manageably interesting lives...


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ruminations on Biology and Human Attractiveness (with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick Thrown in for Good Measure)

I'm reading a book right now called The Third Chimpanzee:  The Evolution and Future of the Human Animal.  I have many pages yet to go, but I just finished the absolutely fascinating chapter on how and why we "choose our mates."

Much of what appeals to us on a physical level is unconscious.  Like tends to choose like, but not universally and not across all traits.  For instance, (strangely enough) there is a very strong correlation between the lengths of middle fingers among happily married couples, and yet the same cannot be said for comparable intelligence or similar hair color.  Apparently, that instantaneous attraction you feel when you meet someone is far more complicated and nuanced than any of us are consciously aware of...

If I were to describe to you the handful of males that I have immediately and strongly responded to in the past several years, you would likely (as most of my friends have) mock me for being all over the damned map.  But were I to show you pictures, then perhaps my selections would make a little more sense.  Maybe not a lot more sense, but enough more sense that I could show you a very specific set of physical attributes (and we're talking, like, size of forehead and length of nose here) that I, it appears, go for.

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because when I was younger and stupider and more optimistic about the world, I (if you can believe it) had a crush on Jake Gyllenhaal, and by my own calculations, he fits so neatly within my predefined parameters that I was doomed before I even knew he existed.  If you've read my book (and if you haven't, what's wrong with you?! buy it, dammit!), then you may remember that I joke at the end of the first chapter that I was attracted to Jake because he looked like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

But according to The Third Chimpanzee, that was actually a statement based in cold, evolutionary fact and dammit if I don't seem doomed to live out my Ariel fantasy again and again until one of them sticks.

Speaking of our Prince Eric look-alike, he's out and about in a provocative new set of pictures from the weekend, featuring his End of Watch co-star, Anna Kendrick.  Of course speculation is rampant that they are dating.  No one cares.  (Seriously, no one cares.)

But looking at this purely from a biological standpoint, Anna, in comparison to women Jake has dated in the past, is very different.  I often joke that he likes them blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and more famous than he is (eye color aside, Anna is none of the above), but there's also a consistency in general facial features, from a small nose to slightly wide-set eyes to well-established cheek bones, that Anna lacks.

Complicating matters, in an effort to make him seem infinitely more interesting than he actually is, the tabloids are pitting Jake's pictures with Anna against a set of him with Rashida Jones, also taken this weekend.  In fact, of the two, I would place Rashida as physically closer to Jake's established "ideal" than Anna is.

Considering all of this is purely speculatory and caring about Jake's love life (or lack thereof) is about as productive (and useful) as banging your head against a wall, I thought I would attempt to turn this discussion back on us, Jake's audience.  I know exactly why I went for him.  But what about you?

And before all of you go writing me to tell me that evolution has failed you because you like Jake but you also like your husband/boyfriend/current tragically-hopeless-crush-who-doesn't-know-you-exist who looks nothing like Jake, I would like to point out that subtlety is oftentimes key when it comes to attractiveness...and also that many of us "make do" with people who don't live up to our "ideals."

Studies seem to indicate that the basis for what we're attracted to later in life is established very early in our childhoods.  How might my life have been different if I'd been a Beauty and the Beast fan instead of a Little Mermaid one?  The truth is that it's entirely possible I wouldn't be here writing this right now.  And the same could be said had I been born into a family with the exact same personalities but different physical traits, for the impact of family and familiarity on our young selves cannot be overstated. 

I know people like to think Jake's "special," but it turns out that the reason you're here right now and not over at a Ryan Gosling site probably has a hell of a lot more to do with you than it does with him...


Monday, August 29, 2011

Jake Shows Trademark Happiness to be Associating with Fans

I feel like, in this picture, we're getting a glimpse of what Jake is going to look like when he's old.  (And when he is old, he will look no less thrilled to be in the company of fans than when he was young.)


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