Because There's a Rumor About Jake and Running...

Jake Gyllenhaal:  Skilled Runner

Your fearless leader, who has been up since 4:45 this morning, watched the sun come up about halfway through her 6.5 mile half-marathon training run.  (I do this to myself every year, because I'm a masochist.)  So how coincidental that when I came home and started skulking around on the other Jake blogs looking for news (as I'm prone to doing...I don't know where the hell these people find this stuff) I discovered that Gyllenbabble was reporting that someone else was reporting that Jake was, at this very moment, at one of the more hardcore of all trail races ever.  (Trail racing being "running for people who are even more insane than normal runners.")

And now they're just all over this story so I'm not even going to try to compete.  I didn't know about this personally, mind you, because Jake's all stroppy right now because Glamour UK thinks we're only 68% compatible and so he didn't even call me to ask how my run went this morning or to break the news that there might be a running movie in the works.

(Note to Jake:  I'd be a very good extra for this movie.) 

So anyway, since it's all a bunch of speculation right now and because I have such a backlog of posts that I have covered pretty much every topic on Earth, I thought today we'd look back at this post-appropriate jewel from my glorious youth, back when we were just learning about Jake's skills as a runner.  From August 12, 2007:

The Jake Watch Guide to Race Day Etiquette

We here at Jake Watch are all about physical fitness (as of today).  That's why when we found out that Jake ran a 5k race yesterday, we decided to take that experience and use it as an educational opportunity.  Using her extensive knowledge gained from participating in ten or fewer 5Ks, PG presents to you...

Running a 5K:  Basics for Beginners with Jake Gyllenhaal

What to Wear:

Always a beacon of fashion, Jake shows off classic "beginner style" 5k wear:

1.  A cooling haircut, ideal for men.  (Ponytails are recommended for the fairer sex.)

2.  Seen mostly on walkers in the back, Jake breaks tradition by charging up front in the light-colored race-day t-shirt that comes in all registration packs.   Designed by local artists, this brightly-colored abstract work of art will be thrown into the back of your dresser after the race and never worn again.  Your race number is best displayed at bellybutton-level and can be attached with anywhere from 2 or 4 safety pins...it's up to you!

3.  Running shoes and ankle socks.  No knee-highs here; it's all about showing off your man-legs.

Career 5k-ers will likely invest in a get-up more like that of the gentleman to the right of Jake (marked *).   In other circumstances, his indecently short shorts and sweat-wicking tank would get some scandalized stares.   On race day, they are the proud badges of someone who knows what they're doing.

Who You're Running With:

They show up to every 5k across the country.  They are:

1 and 2.  The "Blatant Stalker" Guys.  Usually ogling girls in sports bras, these particular stalkers are distracted by the movie star in their midst.

3.  The "Run Around Before the Race" Guy.  By the time you drag yourself to the course at whatever godforsaken early hour of the morning, this guy has been running the track for hours.  He will finish before you and continue to run until everyone else has crossed the finish line.  He makes sure you know he's more in shape than you are and that for him, running is fun!

4.  The "I Love the '90's" Guy.  This guy loves his hypercolored shirts and patterned shorts.  He even wears high-tops...and he will fly past your sorry ass while you're laughing at what he's wearing.  Turns out those are his lucky clothes that he's worn to every 5k since 1991.  They haven't failed him yet!

5.  The "Local Celebrity" Guy.  In Memphis, this guy is Action News 5 anchor, Joe Birch.  In Chilmark, apparently it's Jake Gyllenhaal.

6.  Your Grandpa.  He will beat your time by at least 20 minutes.

7.    The "Oh-My-God-I-Spotted-The-Local-Celebrity!" Guy.  He always works his way up to the front of the crowd before the race starts so that he doesn't miss any of the excitement.  He will fall to the back by Mile 2.

8.  The "I'm Hot When I'm Shirtless" Guy.  For this guy, the race is an opportunity to show off his tight abs and run around half-nekked.  One smoldering look into the camera and he's ready for the ladies.  Race?  What race?

9.  The "Clueless" Guy.  While everyone else is gearing up to run, he's idly standing around looking at his own hand.

10.  The "Fearless Female."  The one woman who dares to work her way to the front of the line with all the manly men.  She will not finish first, but dammit, she will finish before the local celebrity.

***

Hey, showing up well-dressed and knowing who you're up again is half the battle!  The actual running part is more of a sidenote.  We're not sure what training regimen Jake sticks to, but judging by his time (19:38, holy shit!) we'd say he's slightly better at this running thing than PG.


And now the PG of 2010 would like to add one final note, which is that we have a translation request!  If anyone knows Portuguese, there are several people (myself included!) who'd love to know what this interview says.  Thanks! :)

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Jake Gyllenhaal: Proud Patriot

Here in the United States, we have many traditions.  We put our right hand over our hearts when we say the Pledge of Allegiance (see above).  We speak in loud, abrasive voices when traveling overseas (guilty as charged).  And every 4th of July, we gather together to drink cheap beer from cans, eat junk food, and set off fireworks...in other words, we act like we do every other day of the year, except with the added bonus of explosives.

This year, I will be celebrating the holiday weekend in the great state of Mississippi (don't judge), at a place where I will have no internet access for the next two days.  This means I won't be able to put up a post tomorrow and thus should leave you with something good to tide you over until Monday.  And since I posted a Jake Watch classic last weekend, what better way to celebrate this 4th of July than to kick off a TRUE SERIES OF MY GREATEST HITS?  (Hey, just because I'm on my solo tour doesn't mean I can't play some of the songs I wrote with the band.)

So today I share a Jake Watch post long heralded as supposedly the greatest thing I ever wrote.  (Seriously.)  Yes, I'm talking about a post I did about yet another American tradition:  the voting process.

In honor of this most American of American holidays, I hereby present to you, from November 7, 2006, the

JAKE WATCH ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

If you happen to be an American today (or any day), then you probably already know that the first Tuesday in November in an even-numbered, non-Presidential election year can only mean one thing. Oh, yes, baby. Mid-term elections. And this year there's actually the possibility of a power shift so if you aren't voting, then you're a LOSER.

But because so many of our fine readers here are not American, and because as an American it is my duty to inflict my country's customs on the unsuspecting world community, I thought I would explain the U.S. democratic process for everyone today in terms we can all appreciate. Let us begin.

1. The Political Parties

Here in America, we have a two-party political system. We can't always tell the difference between the two parties, so we color-code them: blue for Democrats and red for Republicans. And if we can't tell which party something falls under, we mix the two colors together and call it "Independent." Let's let Jack Twist demonstrate:

Well done, Jack Twist. We'll see you again in a minute.

2. The Voting Process

The balance of power between these parties is decided by the American people. We elect representives to our government via the voting process. To help explain voting, here is Jake Gyllenhaal:

"When somebody turns the age they need to be to vote, they should be just as excited as they are when they turn the age to buy porno." source

That's the spirit, Jake! Yes! It really is that exciting! You can't even know how good voting is until you've done it yourself. What else, Jake?

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." source

Oooh, baby. Jake's right. When you vote with him, the experience is even better! That's because honestly, your one little tiny vote doesn't count for shit until it's thrown in with all the millions of other ballots from people who voted like you did (strength in numbers)! And Jake votes like me. Oh, baby, does he ever.

3. Erm, More of the Voting Process

So how do you cast your vote? Well, in this country, where religion never has any influence on our government, we go to our local churches to vote. We stand in long lines and then senior citizens put our information into a computer system (to make sure we aren't dead) before we are led over to the sacred voting booths. Once you go inside and close the curtain, it's just you and your ballot. Take all the time you need. Sometimes the choices are tough:

4. The Issues

But now that you know how we vote and for whom we vote, you probably want to know why we vote (besides the sexiness factor). We want people in office who are concerned about the same issues we are. Big issues in this election include:

The Environment
Gay Marriage

And One of Any Infinite Number of Wars We Are Currently Fighting

And so, compadres around the world, as you can see, Election Day is a Very Important Day for us Americans, and I'm sure you're all feeling really left out by now.

And Americans, I think we should all show the world, and Jake, how much much this day really means to us. I leave you with a set of pictures in which I hope you pick up on my subtle, one-word plea for the day (hint it's a four-letter word)...








VOTE!!!

 

Happy 4th of July to all the Americans reading!  And happy regular weekend to the rest of you!  I'll be back on Monday, so please don't leave me (I just found you again!).

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