Friday, August 20, 2010

Glamour UK Thinks Justin Bieber is "Sexy," Then Calls Prophecy Girl "Sausage"

Glamour UK has come out with its yearly Sexy Man List!  And their choice for Sexiest Man EVER in 2010?

Rob Pattinson.


Take a moment to let that sink in.

And then let's get through the other 17 people Glamour inexplicably named as sexier than Jake Gyllenhaal:

2 - 5.  People from the Twilight movies and one person who just dates people from the Twilight movies.  I'm not even bothering to dignify this top 5 with a response.

6.  Johnny Depp - A Sexy Man List standard.  Glamour seems to be seeking to redeem itself by throwing Depp into the mix.  Will it go up or down from here?

7.  Justin Bieber - CRASH AND BURN.  Any redemption brought about by Depp's inclusion has been destroyed, as has been the validity of this list.  (Is it even legal to call Justin Bieber "sexy"?) 

8.  Gerard Butler - Nice try, Glamour.  But I've seen your true nature.

9.  Hayden Christensen - Um, where has this guy even been for every year that happened after George Lucas stopped churning out Star Wars prequels?  He should be disqualified out of irrelevance.

10 - 12.  Channing Tatum, Orlando Bloom, Chace Crawford - Men who are prettier than I am.  So no.

13.  Chris Brown - NICE ONE, Glamour UK.  Let's take our token "non-white Sexy Man in this Sexy Man List directed at white audiences" and use it on the guy most white people only know for beating up his girlfriend. 

14.  Justin Timberlake - Well, he's better than Chris Brown.

15.  Cristiano Ronaldo - I don't know who this person is but I would marry him tomorrow based on his picture alone.

16.  Ryan Gosling - Legitimate pick, even if he seems to be trying to beat out DiCaprio for deepest frown lines in Hollywood.

17.  Ed Westwick - I don't watch Gossip Girl.  Ergo I don't care.

18.  Ashton Kutcher - Eh.  Hotness factor diminished by the high-profile marriage and Twitter obsession.  But still a more valid entry than 90% of the people on this list so far.

19.  JAKE GYLLENHAAL.  OH THAT GUY.  You know the one. 


And how does Glamour describe Jake?

SOFT BROWN EYES?!  BROWN?!???!!

WORST.  SEXY MAN LIST.  EVER.

Glamour also offers you the chance to link yourself romantically to anyone of your choosing by the highly scientific method of typing in your names:

This is a terrible day in the history of magazines.

Thanks to KD for the heads up!

62 comments:

Lena August 20, 2010 at 11:38 AM  

Soft brown eyes. My GOD, epic fail.
Maybe they were thinking of Anne when they wrote that?
Still, fail of all fails.

And trust me PG, you would not marry Ronaldo - that stuck up metrosexual idiot who has more clothing and perfume lines than Paris Hilton. Oh yeah, and he's a famous soccer player from Portugal.

Leslie August 20, 2010 at 11:41 AM  

Hey - you got a huge cooking reference to your quiz . . uhm . . wouldn't that really mean something to you, PG?!?!?! *poke* Sounds like fate to me!!

Vanessa August 20, 2010 at 11:49 AM  

LMFAO, PG! Hahaha, you are the "sausage & mash" of relationships, they should have said, "BANGERS" & mash!!! HAH! Would have made me feel better for sure... >;-)

& wtf is up with the Glamour pusses over there, are they blind or what? Gylls has the most BEAUTIFUL blue-green eyes in the world. Brown? I think not! Maybe Lena is right, they were talking about Anne??? Hah, that's too funny!

D August 20, 2010 at 11:54 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
sherry August 20, 2010 at 11:55 AM  

ROBERT PATTINSON...NO WAY....THEY MUST HAVE LOST THEIR "SEXTH" SENSE!!!

Prophecy Girl August 20, 2010 at 11:58 AM  

I thought the same thing about them thinking about Anne! Since we all came to the same conclusion, it must be true. :)

So damn. Ronaldo is a jackass. The hot ones usually are... (Although your description of him, Lena, is making him less hot by the second!)

And I guess the cooking analogy wasn't the worst thing ever (though OBVIOUSLY it should be bangers!!). When I did with my real name it said (and I quote), "Keep working at it." Snort!

D August 20, 2010 at 11:59 AM  

OK. I am feeling better now (reason below)

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h258/BreenaSky/jakebelongswithme.jpg

KD,  August 20, 2010 at 12:00 PM  

LOL you're welcome PG. I laughed at this list as well last night. I didn't even bother to try to summarize it in my comment; I knew you'd see for yourself how ridiculous it is.

Although Brown eyes are beautiful as well, there's just no way that's an excusable mistake. They aren't even remotely close to Brown. (UNDERSTATEMENT?!)

KD,  August 20, 2010 at 12:04 PM  

EVERYONE HERE HATES YOUNG PEOPLE. LOL. (IE Justin Beiber)

It makes me wonder though...Since I'm ONLY A DAY OLDER THAN HIM (literally) WHAT AM I DOING OVER HERE CRUSHING ON A (totally hot) 29 YEAR OLD?! Logically I should be in his tween fanbase...or chilling with Usher...

Something must be off in my brain. OH WELL~ <3

Prophecy Girl August 20, 2010 at 12:05 PM  

D! LOOK AT THAT SCORE! I wonder if anyone will beat that... That is *outrageously* high. :D

And the brown eyes thing is utterly inexcusable. Especially when that statement was next to a large picture that played up his NOT-BROWN eyes. I am so ashamed at the state of journalism right now.

Prophecy Girl August 20, 2010 at 12:07 PM  

KD, that is SO FUNNY that you're only a day older than he is!!! Well, as we like to say, you're an old soul and you have impeccable taste. :) I'd be way concerned if you were more into The Bieb than The Jake...

D August 20, 2010 at 12:09 PM  

KD,
I am 23 (almost 24) and crushing on younger people all the time but it's true I have a thing for older guys. It's nothing bad to like whoever you want to like!!!!

KD,  August 20, 2010 at 12:13 PM  

Tween stars/former tween stars (Hannah Montana, Beiber, etc/blah) nowadays give teenagers such a bad rap!

Whenever I tell someone I'm 16, they automatically ask me, "Oh, so do you like Justin Bieber? Hannah Montana?" or "What shows do you watch? Jonas in LA? iCarly? Jersey Shore?"

WHILE I ADMIT TO JERSEY SHORE (it's hilarious, you must admit), I MUCH PREFER SERIES LIKE HOUSE OR THE BIG BANG THEORY. Lol, and I crush on the likes of Gylls and Edward Norton.

Ahh, so sad the rap teens get...

KD,  August 20, 2010 at 12:14 PM  

D,

I totally feel ya man.

Bro Fist.

KD

Vanessa August 20, 2010 at 12:17 PM  

Wow, 96% is what I got too, D, with my full real name, but when I just put in my first name only, I got a miserable 59%! Weird. I guess The Gylls loves my last name better than my first... >;-)

KD, you are so much fun & to think you are that young is something else, cuz you do not ever sound like it, for sure! Ha, I love that you are into The Big Bang Theory, totally one of my favorite shows ever! & Jim Parsons, (Sheldon) is from my hometown, Houston too!

D August 20, 2010 at 12:18 PM  

OMG KD!!!
I totally understand what you are saying, specially the Edward Norton part *bro fist you back* LOL


And PH, yes. Indeed. IT'S LOVE!!! Am I right? No wonder he poped out of the magazine I was reading.
Is this the Universe's way to tell me to take action and move to L.A.? I mean, he is already stalking me by popping out of magazines, right?

D August 20, 2010 at 12:22 PM  

Vanessa, actually that result was with my full name. I just didn't post it here and leave the D only since that's how you all know me. LOL

You too?!!! OMG!!!

Anonymous,  August 20, 2010 at 12:33 PM  

I'd like to think the meant Anne's eyes cause Jake's are clearly BLUE, and he is known for those gorgeous blue eyes.

this list is SO bogus. How the hell did Justin Bieber get on here. Yeah it is illegal to be lusting after a minor. ew!

sweetpea

gyllenhaalisgr8 August 20, 2010 at 12:43 PM  

Squee - I put in my first and last name and it said: "Wow - this is something special, in the words of Madness, 'it must be love"! Oh, dream on, lizgirl. I'm still stuck on the brown eye thing. I, too, think they were referring to Anne, but I have two words for this sorry rag: PROOF READ! I wish I had a subscription so I could cancel it, LOL!! Great blog, PG!

gyllenhaalisgr8 August 20, 2010 at 12:44 PM  

And why does my twitter account have two Justin Bieber tweeters following me?! *shaking my head*

Call Me Mo August 20, 2010 at 12:59 PM  

Er, excuse me. Hayden is totally relevant. He's in a new movie coming out next weekend and in my eyes, he's forever relevant because of Sam Monroe. <3

Glamour UK gets grief from me because just where in the hell is Justin Long or JGL?! At least they know how to close their damn mouths when a pic is being taken. (Yeah, I'm talking to you, RPattz!)

Prophecy Girl August 20, 2010 at 1:10 PM  

^^^ Point conceded!

(And agree times a thousand on JGL. What the hell?)

So is everyone getting outrageously high scores? And it's just me down in the 60s?? I see how it is. And it's fine. Totally fine... :)

Anonymous,  August 20, 2010 at 1:22 PM  

Woohoo! I got 97% with my real name, Jacob is mine!!! That's what counts, right? Because I only got 60 with my screen name.

Vanessa, Jim Parsons is from your home town? That's so cool, I love The Big Bang Theory and Sheldon is my favorite geek. :)

Olympia

Vanessa August 20, 2010 at 2:08 PM  

Olympia, you totally won The Gylls!

Unless of course, there is someone else out there that got higher than 97% Wow.

& yeah, Jim is from here originally & Sheldon is my favorite geek ever, but I like Jim too! >;-) He is so funny on the talk shows too, especially Craig Ferguson. Hah, he rocks.

Sasha,  August 20, 2010 at 2:30 PM  

I had to try this test: AND JAKE BELONGS TO ME!!! I got 99% YAAAY!!! *flyinghigh* >;-)

But WTF where they thinking about a whole lot of those on the list - it's not even funny.

And even more WTFFFFFF where they thinking in saying BROWN eyes???

Sasha,  August 20, 2010 at 2:31 PM  

btw I tried it with the full name in my passport :)

sumi k August 20, 2010 at 2:33 PM  

i got 97, too. but i had to use full names.


i see a gylls timeshare in our future!


also.. this was beyond inaccurate on everyone. ian somerhalder has had a gf for awhile, but she isn't famous. i'd also like to replace that silly taylor lautner with charlie bewley, if we are going with the twi-guys. wayyyy better looking.

Sasha,  August 20, 2010 at 2:33 PM  

haha I tried Kirsten and Reese - K hat 57% and R had 75% ...

Did I mention I'm a little bored .lol.

Sasha,  August 20, 2010 at 2:41 PM  

btw Jared Leto is missing - that is a crime too ... how can they???


(Spamming you today PG *sorry* )

Katie,  August 20, 2010 at 2:55 PM  

I only know of Ronaldo because Ben impersonated him on The Buried Life (MTV show...check it out if you haven't yet) to get into the Playboy Mansion. But I trust Lena's opinion.

I echo Sasha's Jared Leto sentiment. But seriously what can we expect from this epic fail, as Lena put it, of a list! Me thinks Glamour UK is just appealing to the popular vote. I.e. Twi-hards and Bieber fans. Its okay, Jake, they don't get it. Clearly.

Katie,  August 20, 2010 at 3:01 PM  

Speaking of epic fails...I got a 52%!!! However, adding my middle name brought it up to a confident 92%. I don't consider that a fair try though since I nixed the Benjamin from Jake's name. Oh well, nothing I didn't already know!

KeepCalm August 20, 2010 at 3:02 PM  

I'd just like to say that I never read Glamour and Cosmopolitan is far superior.

Ed Westwick is mockney and not hot.

Ronaldo... lets not go there.

I'm off to see how compatible Jakey and I would be ;)

Anonymous,  August 20, 2010 at 3:04 PM  

Damn! I tried every combination I can think of with my real name, my full name and my screen name with Jake Gyllenhaal, Jacob Gyllenhaal and Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal and I can't get more than 97%. Jacob is yours Sacha. *defeated sigh*

Olympia

Prophecy Girl August 20, 2010 at 3:21 PM  

OK, with my passport name, I get 96%. Switching out my legal first name with the name I've gone by since the day I was born, I get 52%. I think Glamour just hates me.

Sasha, I bow down to your 99%. :D

Call Me Mo August 20, 2010 at 4:38 PM  

Since when is THIS better than THIS?! It sure as hell isn't better than THIS! I'm gonna go riot outside Glamour UK HQ. Who's with me?

Call Me Mo August 20, 2010 at 4:48 PM  

I get a 93 when I use his legal name and my nickname. I'll take it.

Vanessa August 20, 2010 at 4:59 PM  

Well, 93% sounds like a win to me, Mo! I just want to know if ANY name gets 100%. Anyone? Anyone? (Bueller???) OK, well if no one can claim the 100%, then I guess it goes to Sasha.

& Mo, I love the comparison pics. I am a JL & JGL fan too & am with you, they both shoulda been on the list. I just so can not get over them putting Bieber on that list, that is just icky. He is a child, for gosh sakes. & he gets the #7 spot no less, that is even worse. Yeah, somebody should at least throw rotten eggs at the Glamour UK HQ. They deserve worse for this sham. Morons.

Vanessa August 20, 2010 at 5:02 PM  

OMG, Sasha, I completely missed what you said about Jared Leto, same initials as Justin Long, I just realized. Damn, yes, he totally should have been on that list. & way above Bieber's ass too. But I think Gylls really does deserve the # 1 spot. That is all.

KD,  August 20, 2010 at 8:43 PM  

D -YOU LIKE/LOVE EDWARD NORTON TOO. BE STILL MY BEATING HEART.

Did you hear he got booted from the Avenger's movie? SO much RAGE still.

Vanessa - I love BigBangTheory. Hilarious show. And thank you. People often tell me I sound older than I actually am. Cool for now, but when I'm actually older...LOL

D August 20, 2010 at 9:10 PM  
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D August 20, 2010 at 10:51 PM  
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D August 20, 2010 at 10:54 PM  
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D August 20, 2010 at 10:55 PM  

KD,

What The French Toast?!! How could they do this to the Norton?!!
Seriously, what's wrong with these people?
First, this bogus list and now E.N. booted?! What's next?!!

Sasha, cograts!!! You've got the Gylls. Clearly, outwon us all.

Sasha,  August 21, 2010 at 2:58 AM  

YAAAAAYYYYYY - he is mi-ine *singing-dancing* A pitty he doesn't know just yet :( ..... Everyone emailing him his match is here *pointsonherself* :D


I have so much fun here :) Thanks PG for your blog and to the ladies for being funny too ;) *bows*

S4M985 August 21, 2010 at 3:49 AM  

I got 90% with my *basic* name and his... It told me to start picking out baby names...i might. Considering myself and my future husband (8weeks) for only 41% i think Jake really get his butt into gear and come find me. Gosh how many times do i have to tell this guy!!!!

Anyway, Gerard Butler, he is like a god here in Australia, everyone loves him (i think its the accent) I'm not a huge fan but i can see the attraction... and Chris Brown WTF! thats just an insult to anyone after him (Whatever happened with the petition to get Jake to do that Violence against women stuff??)

Ive always beena JT fan, esp since i went to his concert.. i also watch gossip girl, and who doesnt love Ryan after The Notebook.... ahh

BROWN EYES!!!! OMG!!!

Prophecy Girl August 21, 2010 at 8:56 AM  

Sam, I stand by my theory that Jake is just waiting until the last minute to make it all more dramatic. He'll want maximum impact when he sweeps you away! ;)

Agreed wholeheartedly on Chris Brown (ugh), and I never heard anything more about the Pixel Project (nice segue on that!). Surely they got their answer (one way or the other) by now. And I'm not sure when the actual fundraising will start, where the final picture of whomever the celebrities are is revealed, but surely it's gotta be soon! It's strange because they were so active and now we haven't heard anything from them in weeks...

Sasha, congratulations (damn you!!) and I'm just glad there are people out there who have as much fun with this as I do! :D

KD,  August 21, 2010 at 10:49 AM  

D,

I KNOW. I KNOW. AND WHY IS LEAVES OF GRASS TAKING SO LONG TO COME OUT? I need some Norton comedy. Seriously, the last thing I saw was Pride & Glory and ngl, it was just okay.

Anonymous,  August 21, 2010 at 10:56 AM  

Wonderful post!It's strengthened my resolve. In the future, I intend to completely boycott these silly, competitve "Sexiest, Best,etc" voting exercises.

They are rigged and they are completely irrelevant. There are rarely more than three people who are fit to be in Jake's company at all, much less compared to him!

Jake is in a class by himself. There are few, if any other men you can compare him with.

Prophecy Girl August 21, 2010 at 12:52 PM  

^^^ I support this decision to boycott! :) Honestly, I've *always* wanted to do a blog that was nothing but making fun of these stupid lists that magazines and websites comes up with... :D

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