Saturday, July 3, 2010

Jake Gyllenhaal: Proud Patriot


Here in the United States, we have many traditions.  We put our right hand over our hearts when we say the Pledge of Allegiance (see above).  We speak in loud, abrasive voices when traveling overseas (guilty as charged).  And every 4th of July, we gather together to drink cheap beer from cans, eat junk food, and set off fireworks...in other words, we act like we do every other day of the year, except with the added bonus of explosives.

This year, I will be celebrating the holiday weekend in the great state of Mississippi (don't judge), at a place where I will have no internet access for the next two days.  This means I won't be able to put up a post tomorrow and thus should leave you with something good to tide you over until Monday.  And since I posted a Jake Watch classic last weekend, what better way to celebrate this 4th of July than to kick off a TRUE SERIES OF MY GREATEST HITS?  (Hey, just because I'm on my solo tour doesn't mean I can't play some of the songs I wrote with the band.)

So today I share a Jake Watch post long heralded as supposedly the greatest thing I ever wrote.  (Seriously.)  Yes, I'm talking about a post I did about yet another American tradition:  the voting process.

In honor of this most American of American holidays, I hereby present to you, from November 7, 2006, the

JAKE WATCH ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

If you happen to be an American today (or any day), then you probably already know that the first Tuesday in November in an even-numbered, non-Presidential election year can only mean one thing. Oh, yes, baby. Mid-term elections. And this year there's actually the possibility of a power shift so if you aren't voting, then you're a LOSER.

But because so many of our fine readers here are not American, and because as an American it is my duty to inflict my country's customs on the unsuspecting world community, I thought I would explain the U.S. democratic process for everyone today in terms we can all appreciate. Let us begin.

1. The Political Parties

Here in America, we have a two-party political system. We can't always tell the difference between the two parties, so we color-code them: blue for Democrats and red for Republicans. And if we can't tell which party something falls under, we mix the two colors together and call it "Independent." Let's let Jack Twist demonstrate:


Well done, Jack Twist. We'll see you again in a minute.

2. The Voting Process

The balance of power between these parties is decided by the American people. We elect representives to our government via the voting process. To help explain voting, here is Jake Gyllenhaal:

"When somebody turns the age they need to be to vote, they should be just as excited as they are when they turn the age to buy porno." source

That's the spirit, Jake! Yes! It really is that exciting! You can't even know how good voting is until you've done it yourself. What else, Jake?

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." source

Oooh, baby. Jake's right. When you vote with him, the experience is even better! That's because honestly, your one little tiny vote doesn't count for shit until it's thrown in with all the millions of other ballots from people who voted like you did (strength in numbers)! And Jake votes like me. Oh, baby, does he ever.

3. Erm, More of the Voting Process


So how do you cast your vote? Well, in this country, where religion never has any influence on our government, we go to our local churches to vote. We stand in long lines and then senior citizens put our information into a computer system (to make sure we aren't dead) before we are led over to the sacred voting booths. Once you go inside and close the curtain, it's just you and your ballot. Take all the time you need. Sometimes the choices are tough:
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4. The Issues

But now that you know how we vote and for whom we vote, you probably want to know why we vote (besides the sexiness factor). We want people in office who are concerned about the same issues we are. Big issues in this election include:

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The Environment
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Gay Marriage
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And One of Any Infinite Number of Wars We Are Currently Fighting

And so, compadres around the world, as you can see, Election Day is a Very Important Day for us Americans, and I'm sure you're all feeling really left out by now.

And Americans, I think we should all show the world, and Jake, how much much this day really means to us. I leave you with a set of pictures in which I hope you pick up on my subtle, one-word plea for the day (hint it's a four-letter word)...


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VOTE!!!


 
Happy 4th of July to all the Americans reading!  And happy regular weekend to the rest of you!  I'll be back on Monday, so please don't leave me (I just found you again!).

28 comments:

coffeecat July 3, 2010 at 12:46 PM  

Wow, this truly is an Epic piece. I only wish I could get out and vote TODAY!

ps Do you think Jake is checking out any of the cheerleaders' boobs?

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 3, 2010 at 1:02 PM  

Nope...ALL of them! That's our hetero-to-the-bone (no pun intended) Jake!! Happy Independence, wherever you are!

coffeecat July 3, 2010 at 2:06 PM  

Happy Independence Day!

You know, there was a series of photos (on IHJ?) where Jake was checking out women's boobs, particularly Jennifer Aniston's ;-)

Vanessa,  July 3, 2010 at 4:05 PM  

OK, point me in the right direction & I'm VOTING now! Is Jakey running for Pres yet? >;-)

I really like the way you guys think, coffeecat & gyllenhaalisgr8, not to leave out our fearless leader, none other than...... TA-DA,
PROPHECY GIRL!

I LOVED this classic, & yes it is truly a classic.
Happy 4th of July wherever in the world you all are & even if it isn't a holiday you celebrate, any day is a great day to celebrate The Gyllenhaal! Whoo-Hoo!

Lena July 3, 2010 at 5:20 PM  

This really is a masterpiece! If there's one thing I like (besides Jake Gyllenhaal) it's intelligent biting sarcasm with Jake Gyllenhaal :D

Happy 4th of July, Gyllenhaal nation!

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 3, 2010 at 5:56 PM  

I have the greatest pic of Jake looking down Jennifer's dress. I'm gonna run and put it on twitpics and Jake Junk (check sidebar) so you can see it!

Dani July 3, 2010 at 5:58 PM  

Nicely done m(_ _)m

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 3, 2010 at 6:05 PM  

P.S. When you check that pic, notice that his naughty bits could not be any closer to her unless they were naked!

Lena July 3, 2010 at 6:59 PM  

Thanx gyllenhaalisgr8 for the delicious jake nasty pic, damn that lucky aniston!!

Vanessa,  July 3, 2010 at 6:59 PM  

Thank you, thank you, thank you, gyllenhaalisgr8 for showing that lovely pic!

You are so right about how close he is to her.

Wow. I..hate..her..right..now. Grrr...

JK, they actually look cute together, (no, ummm, still hating her right now...)

Leslie July 3, 2010 at 8:31 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
gyllenhaalisgr8 July 3, 2010 at 10:28 PM  

Hold everything! Upon further inspection of that photo (which I've had for years, lol), tell me: what is the flesh-colored bit next to Jennifer's right hand on Jake's suit??? It cannot be what my dirty mind thinks, in public and all, but what is it? Ideas, anyone??

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 3, 2010 at 11:02 PM  

Sorry, LEFT hand (I got distracted).

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 3, 2010 at 11:05 PM  

P.P.S. Did anyone look at my Jake Junk ~ My Gyllenhaal Treasures page? Just curious. Lots of gyllenhaalic eye candy there!

Vanessa,  July 4, 2010 at 12:32 AM  

gyllenhaalisgr8, I did check out some, I am in Gyllenhaal overdose right now. I had to go & watch BBM tonight after seeing the pics PG put up. Damn, I hadn't seen it in a long time & am still trying to recover. Thanks for pointing out the Jake Junk link, though, I hadn't seen that before. You have some real Gylls treasures for sure. I need to retire for the night & sleep on this as I am still distraught, I can't ever watch that movie without going to pieces. He was SO beautiful in it & I was a huge Heath fan too, so it's always a double whammy now. I will feel way better tomorrow & be back in lusty spirits as I am going to see PoP one more time before they yank it down from my theaters here. See you guys here tomorrow! >;-)

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 4, 2010 at 12:45 AM  

Vanessa...I feel the same way about Jake in BBM -- "beautiful" is the only word for him. As for Jake/Heath, I did a couple of nice composite pics for them/their friendship and I almost always include a shot of Jake with Heath in my Jake videos. I recommend my "The Times You've Come" video to you, except it's almost as heartbreaking as the movie. But I loved making it, and am very proud of it, as with all my Jake vids, sigh. Hope you're feeling better tomorrow -- I understand completely!

S4M985 July 4, 2010 at 1:41 AM  

happy 4th of July PG and other American readers!!

Vanessa,  July 4, 2010 at 4:23 PM  

Hey gyllenhaalisgr8, I am back & feeling WAY better after another viewing of PoP. Damn, that man gets hotter every time I see it! It's great medicine, that's for sure. BTW, I will check out those videos you made soon, sounds like they are right up my alley. I am seriously thinking about watching Bubble Boy now for an extra dose of Gylls since I could use a round of laughter to make me feel even better. That movie seriously cracks me up & even though it isn't the way I want to LOOK at him, it is still great fun.

I appreciate the thoughts too, I can't tell you how much it means to me to meet others that feel like I do. >;-)

Hope everyone is enjoying a great day today!

Be back later...

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 4, 2010 at 7:06 PM  

Been rewatching my videos. Each is like a facet of Jake. Who knew when I got the big idea to try one in January that I would have 30 now? I guess Jake is like potato chips, and I mean good "Lays"!! I'm out of control; he owns my soul.

KD,  July 4, 2010 at 9:43 PM  

I remember reading this back at Jake Watch and thinking this really was The Greatest JakeWatch Post Ever. I'm not so sure about that now; there have been a few rivals, but it's still a great piece.

Loved the post regardless!

Prophecy Girl July 4, 2010 at 10:24 PM  

Thank you, KD!! Yeah, it may have been peaking a little early if this was it for Jake Watch...I actually have a lot of favorites that came later! I want to go back and repost some other stuff over time; there's a picture from this post that's actually missing over on JW. :( If nothing else, this is helping me maintain what's over there...

Vanessa, why, Jake DID run for Pres, albeit quite unsuccessfully. :D Let me direct you to the Jake in '08 campaign, which unfortunately faltered when it became evident that Jake was not technically eligible to run (or know anything about the campaign)...

And, um...ACK. OK, I totally jumped all over someone a couple of weeks ago for trying to get a discussion going about Jake being gay, so in the interest of fairness...I'm all for talking about whatever in whatever pictures. But I would rather avoid any explicit statements about Jake's sexuality one way or the other. IT ONLY LEADS TO TROUBLE. Besides, I'm sure we can just assume that all humans beings are irresistibly attracted to him and thusly he is a slave to all sexes... ;)

I hope everyone had/is having a wonderful Fourth of July!!

I am now very tired and must go to bed.

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