Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Jake Gyllenhaal: The Man, The Beard, The Controversy

For as long as I've known Jake Gyllenhaal (which isn't long, since I don't know him), he has been growing beards.  And before anyone jumps in with an outdated Jake-is-gay comment (*so 2005*), let me clarify that I'm talking about the lush patch of facial hair he sprouts at staggering speed - seriously, what is this man's testosterone level - between every movie he has ever filmed.


Over the years, Jake's beard has been a point of incessant conversation and division.  Is it hot?  Is it not?  What does it smell like?

No firm conclusions have ever been made.

All fans must deal with it and all fans must decide for themselves where they stand.  Because like the phases of the moon, the tides of ocean, and the arrest warrants of Paris Hilton, it is a constant of life that Jake Gyllenhaal will grow one.  So today, in honor of Jake (once again) growing his beard, the traditional symbol of his not-giving-a-fuck-itude, I offer a celebration of... 

The Top Four Years in the Life of Jake's Facial Hair

Third Runner-Up:  The Year 2000!

Alright, Jake was unable to grow facial hair, because he was 12.  But I couldn't find a rational reason not to post this picture:


Second Runner-Up:  The Year 2006!  

As it kicks off, 2006 truly seems poised to become The Year of the Beard.  In the frenzy of the post-Brokeback era, Jake's fanbase expands to the point that his beard is named "Dill" by an overzealous fan and a since-deleted blog by the name of "Save Our Dill" is created to lobby for its continuing existence.*

April gives us this:


But by June, trouble surfaces.  Jake seems to be hiding his beard in public.  Out of shame?  The future suddenly looks uncertain.


And sure enough, mere weeks later, Jake scales down to a stubbled look.  (Overcome, women flock to him in parking lots.)  The remainder of the year is spent primarily clean-shaven.


First Runner-Up:  The Year 2007! 

No question about it, no one thinks 2007 has it in it.  But then BAM!  The month of May happens.

With nearly a year of clean living behind him, things go radically off course and Jake...flirts with a mustache:


The mustache (clearly) doesn't flirt back.

Though it's gone by the next day, the floodgates have opened, paving the way for an experimental and yet-to-be-explained Wolverine phase in June:


By October, the line between what we think we know and what's actually happening is blurring.  Though tradition states that Jake must shave before making his promotional rounds, Rendition's publicity tour is done (gasp!) with the beard intact.


Tumultuous as the year is, though, it ends on a conservative note.  Mere weeks after flaunting the beard on every television station that would have him, Jake coldly casts it aside for a "sexier" 5 o'clock shadow...


Which brings us to...

Winner:  The Year 2010!

One might ask how this year can be named victor when we have not yet seen its close.  But this is brave new territory...  So unstoppable has the beard growth of 2010 been that Jake could shave tomorrow, spend the last four months of the year smooth as a baby's behind, and still the champion designation would remain.

Because 2010 has not only already given us this:


And then this:


And then this:


It's the year that's giving us this.  In real time.  Right now.  The mother of all Jake beards:


2010, I bow down to you.  When you started, I glibly broadcast far and wide that you would grace us with a beard.  But you have truly gone above and beyond the call of duty.  If only that Save Our Dill girl was around to see what she's been missing...

*The Becky who started "Save Our Dill" is not the same Becky who is otherwise known as Prophecy Girl.  Turned out the fandom wasn't big enough for two Beckys.  The victor lives on (and is anti-Dill, though pro-Jake-not-giving-a-fuck-what-I-or-anyone-else-thinks :)). 

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Monday, August 30, 2010

The Jake-Has-Been-Replaced-By-Paul-Bunyan Rumor Gets Traction

Coming out of wooden cabins?  Walking through thick foliage?  WEARING KHAKIS?!?!!!!

WHO IS THIS MAN.








More pictures of Jake uneasily staring down the picture-taker at the usual spot.

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Sunday, August 29, 2010

Tweet of the Week!


(The "week" in question being "the week of May 26," as that is when this was actually tweeted.  But whatevs.  This thing's still getting the re-tweet action all this time later.)

The love connection between Jake Gyllenhaal and miniature Iranian laughingstock Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a long one, fraught with rugged beards and choruses sung by Adam Levine.  In case you haven't seen it (or even if you just haven't seen it in a while), let us now enjoy this astoundingly popular SNL digital short from 2007 in which Andy Samberg sings a love song and Jake shows up to the delight of audience members everywhere:



And while we're on the subject of our darling Prince of Persia, it's now only a little more than two weeks until Dastan shows up in a living room near you!  The DVD and Blu-Ray are out September 14, but if you're too cheap to buy a copy, you could always consider winning one (or two).

The TMR Zoo and The HDR Room are both giving away copies, so if you're into getting something for nothing, act now!

(And for the record, I offer no apologies for getting "Iran So Far" stuck in your head for the rest of the day.)

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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Forget Bilson, It's This Amy Bitch We Need to Worry About


What the HELL was going on during the taping of a Disney Channel Prince of Persia DVD ad (that showed up online yesterday)?  And no, I'm not talking about wherever your mind might have gone when you looked at the above picture (you dirty, dirty people); I'm talking about this chick:


This is Amy.  She's 2 years old and loves rainbows and Jake Gyllenhaal.  Watch below as the most grotesquely age-inappropriate advertising ploy in the history of children's television plays out before a visibly-uncomfortable Jake:


You know how we talked about it being disturbing when adults call Justin Bieber "sexy"?  THIS IS THE REVERSE OF THAT.  For Disney to be selling this PG-13-rated movie to elementary school kids through the gimmick of telling young girls that 29-year-old Jake Gyllenhaal is crush-worthy is WOW-SO-CREEPY.  (When I was a kid, they saved the sex appeal angle at least until we were old enough to have a locker combination!)


I know, Jake.  I don't know how you get yourself into these situations, either...

(Here endeth my tirade.)

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Tragedy Befalls the Shirtless Men Bracket Community

Jake Gyllenhaal has, horrifyingly, been brutalized by the voting populace of PopSugar, getting only a dismal 33% of the vote and losing (losing!) his chance to go head to head for the coveted title of Shirtless Man Who Has Won PopSugar's Shirtless Man Bracket.  David Beckham also lost (by an even larger margin), and thus the final round comes down to *yawn* Kellan Lutz and Taylor Lautner.

Wake me up when Twilight is over.

So clearly we're boycotting this final round of voting.  But while we're doing so, we can be enjoying some shirtless men of our own...the type who lift weights purely to quell their increased levels of testosterone and who spend five months in the desert learning simple Arabic phrases under the iron fist of Jamie Foxx.

It is my esteemed pleasure to present to you our final installment of this completely unplanned Jarhead Diaries Festival with the final four videos! 









And now that it's over, I can honestly say that these videos were enjoyable/entertaining/educational enough that I can happily overlook my long-held complaint that we did not get proper behind-the-scenes coverage of the Santa Dance...

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time before someone pointed out the obvious Heath Ledger/Robbie Williams parallels...

Famed singing tattooed person Robbie Williams has joined with his former "Take That" (British for "New Kids on the Block") band mate Gary Barlow to make a music video so gay that even mentally-challenged OK! Magazine picked up on the fact that it was practically a scene-by-scene recreation of Brokeback Mountain.

The video, which is for the song "Shame," is described on Robbie Williams' website as "hilarious."  I would describe it as "probably the best Brokeback-inspired music video ever made for a song with a self-deprecating Toy 'R' Us lyric."

(Check out the badass chrome rims this motherfucker rocks on his embeddables.)

[Note: The chrome does not make up for the below-video spacing fail.]

Admittedly, a tent scene or two would have been nice, but the number of T-shirts removed around the 3-minute mark almost makes up for it.

The cold truth?  This video has made me care about Robbie Williams.

SPEAKING OF GAY COWBOYS...

Ours can be found below getting a buzz cut and speaking Very Deep Thoughts into the camera about trying to pretend to be a marine.  But you probably won't even be able to process what he's saying because you'll be too busy making out with your computer screen.

Jarhead Diaries, Take 2!



And Take 4! (High male aggression levels ahead.)

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Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Never Say I Ain't Hooked Y'all Up, Fools.

We're doing this fast, we're doing it dirty, and we're doing it before these all undoubtedly get yanked.

For those of us who have never seen these before...Jarhead Diaries.  Jake's portions.  Split into 8 videos, which I will put up over the next few days.  The first two are below.  And...GO.




It's all Vanessa! ;)  And if you post these elsewhere, please say where they came from....

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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Well-Placed Arrows and Their Consequences

Ha ha, look!  It's sometime actor and all the time Unabomber impersonator Art Gallery:



Note: Art Gallery is not to be confused with his identical twin, Pratt Trailhead:


New Leadville pics from blogger/runner extraordinaire Brandon Fuller. (Who is no doubt laughing at all the hits his blog keeps getting from Jake sites.)  Photos are Brandon's, all rights reserved.

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Today in Translated Jake Gyllenhaal Interviews and Shirtless Man Competitions...

Entirely because of me, Jake HAS ADVANCED QUICKLY in PopSugar's Shirtless Men Bracket.  Not only did he beat McConaughey, he also went on to win the next round by beating (of all people) Ryan Phillippe.

Now it's down to the final fourJake vs. Kellan LutzDavid Beckham vs. Taylor Lautner.

Alright.  Look.  I know - I know - we are few.  But I also know that if there is a God, the final will come down to Jake and David Beckham.  That's the only way I can accept that there's any good or justice left in this world.  So vote, damn you.  Vote...and then lose your religion along with me when we inevitably lose.



ALSO TODAY, I bring you a special treat from the wistful days of January 2006, when Jake sat down with Premiere magazine and gave an interview which was published in Portuguese so the English-dominated Jake fanbase never knew what it said.

Until now. 


So now, talking about how Robert Downey Jr thought Val Kilmer was probably a better kisser than Heath Ledger, I give to you:

Jake Gyllenhaal / Premiere Mag January 2006 – translation from Portuguese by Snow

Premiere: Is there any sense in having a premiere on a movie based on war during war times?

Jake: The movie doesn’t force people to participate in the war idea, just on the idea of thinking of it. For me it’s like respecting our authorities and those who enlist to go to the war. But it’s a different experience to everyone. For Peter (Sarsgaard) it was to do with the Air Forces and Vietnam. Though Jarhead, more than a movie about war, is a reflection about a four days war where a soldier’s life can change forever. It’s a big intimate and personal journey. I don’t support actual war. I have a friend who’s a volunteer in rebuilding schools and bridges. Those are the ones we have to honour.

Love against hypocrisy and taboos

P.: There is a huge difference between Jarhead, one of your other movies, almost having premiered simultaneously, and Brokeback Mountain.

J.G.: I filmed them at different times! It’s just a coincidence due to premiere policies. Despite the stress I went through I couldn’t reject it. No one says no to Ang Lee! It’s a very important movie and I hope the public will appreciate its real dimension.

P.: That it’s not a gay western…

J.G.: Exactly. That’s the worst and the falsest label it could possibly have. And I want to add that these two movies will be within me forever, I’ve been really touched by them. And the two books that originally inspired these movies, Anthony Swofford’s “Jarhead” and E. Annie Proulx’s “Brokeback Mountain” are extraordinary. Both are great scale writers with intense stories.

P.: Then, according to your own words, what kind of film is Brokeback Mountain and how is your character, cowboy Jack Twist?

J.G.: I would say it’s a long romance between two people that fight during 20 years to realize how they can love each other. It’s also critical towards the hypocrisy of those times because it’s taking place from 1963, when male homosexuality in a universe of countries was a complete unbreakable taboo.

P.: We find two lovers; Jack Twist is braver and daring.

J.G.: We could say that the love of his life, Ennis del Mar, is more uncommunicative, he doesn’t understand his feelings. Many times we don’t know if he wants to kiss me or hit me. Jack, on the other hand, is more secure about those feelings. The best of the movie is that it takes place during two decades and these two lovers try to trespass many obstacles, their respective marriages and the distance to go through with their love. The sexual scenes with Heath Ledger which seemed to disturb many viewers are shown in a very natural way, as any romance. Heath did a great job as he didn’t have time to prepare as Wes Bentley, the first Ennis, left the role at the very last moment.

P.: Did those scenes cause you any problem?

J.G.: I won’t lie and say that we weren’t a bit nervous. I have a good relationship with Heath. We didn’t ask questions, we went straight to it. In any case these are always uncomfortable scenes to film, doesn’t matter if it's with women or men. The best part of it was Ang Lee with his gentleness and details. Without him, everything would have been much different.

P.: And Heath kisses alright?

J.G.: Good, yes. Even though Robert Downey Jr. whom I have just filmed Zodiac with, says that Val Kilmer would be better (who he kisses in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang). Ang Lee just told me to kiss harder, with the strengh of a man. You kiss a woman much softer. Sexual relations are a way of consuming your intimacy. Both act one for each other, like the ying and yang, complementing themselves making a unique soul. That’s why when we are separate and far away, we are two incomplete souls. I belong to a generation where homosexuality is not a problem. Many of my best friends are. They have educated me like that. Those who say that I will lose some fans for saying this, can choose another actor to admire.

P.: Was it a difficult decision to take part in these scenes?

J.G.: No because to me this was a love story. With any doubts different to what I have done so far. I felt moved. It’s difficult to say more without any spoilers. There is so much passion and complexity as well as gentleness.

P.: Both in Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain feelings are expressed mainly in silence, and with that great melancholic look that works so well.

J.G.: Good heavens! I have not thought about that. Good looks are from Maggie (laughs). The look and silence are important as Tony and Jack are connected by an enormous solitude.

P.: Did Ang Lee ask for something in particular?

J.G.: He was interested in that you could perfectly feel the idea of this love being one without limits. It’s a story about feelings. Heath, Ang, producer Michael Hausman and I were in Canada, by Fort Macleod, in the mountains of Alberta. We were isolated in four separate huts. We rehearsed and filmed in the exteriors and mainly the idea was taking us away by the beauty, nature and solitude. Especially solitude, which started to invade our spirit, which was what Ang really wanted. That let us perceive how solitude got Jack and Ennis into each other, to fill that great emptiness.

P.: You both express a great variety of emotions.

J.G.: We are of those types of people that decide to take their love to the limit. Though in this love we also feel pain, happiness, bitterness, attraction and rage. It’s interesting to show the public these emotions in their pure essence.

ENORMOUS thank you to Snow for doing this amazing (and extensive!) translation job for us! :)  And thanks to Monicabbm for the interview scan and thanks to Vanessa, Leslie, and PopSugar for letting me know that Jake was Final Four material!

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Monday, August 23, 2010

Spot the Jake!

Hint:  He's the one with the golden Hollywood glow.


Regarding this picture and where it was taken...there was some news over the weekend and I feel a deep sense of personal failure that the way I presented it had no impact whatsoever.  So, er, I'm going to try again...

JAKE GYLLENHAAL.  NEW MOVIE.  (Maybe.)

Word on the street is that Jake's surprise visit to the Leadville Trail 100 (mile race) this weekend in Colorado (see picture above and below) was in preparation for a screen adaptation of Christopher McDougall's fantastic book Born to Run:  A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen.

Jake was there with the author himself and also random local tourists who didn't know it was Jake and thought they were having their picture taken with a Doc Middleton impersonator:


You are...

a) Dying a little in anticipation because OMG Spirit of the Marathon is one of your favorite movies and you love Jake but you love running even more and a movie about running starring Jake would be, like, a personal gift from God to you.

b) Excited because it's Jake and any Jake is good Jake and if he's playing an ultramarathoner he'll have to get in the best shape of his life and that can only mean good things for you sitting in the audience.

c) Lukewarm because you know you'll see this movie just like you see every Jake movie but ugh, seriously, running?  Who the hell wants to watch a movie about running and God if that beard is for his character then you're not going to be happy about sitting through two hours of looking at it.

d) Confused.  Where is Jake in that first picture again?

e) Sad because this isn't a Love and Other Drugs post.

Honest answers appreciated.  (But dishonest ones are okay, too.)

Thank you to Jerell Klaver for tweeting both pictures in this post and to sweetpea for the article link!

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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jake Gyllenhaal Finally Beating Rob Pattinson in Something (Or At Least He Was)

Hollywood Life has bestowed upon the world a Very Exciting Article called "Hollywood's 15 Best Kissers REVEALED!"  Some guy named Jake Gyllenhaal made his way onto the list; he was vouched for by Prince of Persia costar Gemma Arterton, who said, "Yeah, he is all right!"  (Don't go overboard on your enthusiasm there, Gemma.)

Because in this internet age it's all about the "reader interaction," Hollywood Life decided to let us, the lowly public, vote for our choice for Hollywood's best kisser.  Current landslide victor?

Yeah, I'll bet you're not feeling so Glamour-UK-Sexy right now, are you, Pattinson?  Suck it, baby.  Suck it hard.  And tell Taylor Lautner to suck it too while you're at it.  And tell Justin Bieber it will never stop being creepy to see him show up on these lists.  And tell Will Ferrell to stop voting for himself.  And...and...

...and alright, truth be told, by the time I get this post up, Jake will probably no longer be in the lead because the Twilight crowd finally found this poll and is stuffing the ballot box.

Damn.  It was nice while it lasted.

Well, in a fair and just world, Jake would be at the top of the list (and the poll results) on experience alone.  The man has made out with every person in Hollywood:





(Oh wait, these two didn't make out; I just wanted them to.)










And now he's run out of people, so he's having to go back through the list and do some repeats:


Jake Gyllenhaal:  Hollywood's manwhore, losing yet another desirability poll to this guy:


Thanks to Silver for the tip!!  Pattison pic stolen from this Facebook page.

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