Today Jake Gyllenhaal will receive his AARP card and hit up the early bird special for dinner because HE IS OLD NOW. We know this because he has spent the entirety of the last year of his life looking ahead to this very birthday, answering questions and speaking reflectively about how only people who are truly ancient have ages that are more than twenty-nine.
What? You don't think that Jake is old? You are wrong. Here he is eating supper at 4:00 in the afternoon with some fellow senior citizens:
And here is his senior center identification photo:
Okay, enough of that. Time for the important stuff: prezzies!
The last (and only) time I was around to help you celebrate your birthday, it was such an ordeal that I devoted an entire chapter of my book to it!
But this year, uh, we have this here recession on so, er...all I got you was a Snickers bar and a Twitter account.
HAHAHAA just kidding, you would never use the Twitter account, ever. But the candy bar is yours!
Have fun with the walruses,
(Fellow stalkers: I'm now going to drink myself into a stupor in honor of Jake's lost youth, and I suggest you do, too.)