Sunday, December 19, 2010

International Jake Day!

Today Jake Gyllenhaal will receive his AARP card and hit up the early bird special for dinner because HE IS OLD NOW.  We know this because he has spent the entirety of the last year of his life looking ahead to this very birthday, answering questions and speaking reflectively about how only people who are truly ancient have ages that are more than twenty-nine.

What?  You don't think that Jake is old?  You are wrong.  Here he is eating supper at 4:00 in the afternoon with some fellow senior citizens:

And here is his senior center identification photo:

Okay, enough of that.  Time for the important stuff:  prezzies!

Dear Jake,
The last (and only) time I was around to help you celebrate your birthday, it was such an ordeal that I devoted an entire chapter of my book to it!

But this year, uh, we have this here recession on so, er...all I got you was a Snickers bar and a Twitter account.

HAHAHAA just kidding, you would never use the Twitter account, ever.  But the candy bar is yours!

Have fun with the walruses,

(Fellow stalkers:  I'm now going to drink myself into a stupor in honor of Jake's lost youth, and I suggest you do, too.)


coffeecat December 19, 2010 at 1:33 PM  

Had you maybe started drinking early - like before you wrote this post?

If so, good. It's very funny ;-)

Anonymous,  December 19, 2010 at 1:47 PM  

BURP! oops I mean sappy birthdath, I mean cappy birfday.

Well you know what I mean. have a happy one!

sweetpea (under the table)

Sam December 19, 2010 at 3:34 PM  

haha! great post! well i guess yeh.... Happy Birthday JAKE!!!

sumi k December 19, 2010 at 4:33 PM  

the second pic looks like its a future cover of the AARP magazine.

or it should be advertising Activia.

happy birthday, gylls. its good to see you are already in the midst of a mid-life crisis by dating that twelve year old. (OH YEAH I SO WENT THERE!)

Becky Heineke December 19, 2010 at 8:00 PM  

CC - Though I can neither confirm nor deny that certain posts on this very blog have been composed while, er, under the influence, I CAN confirm that this one least edited in a sober state. ;)

So I just stumbled on October Sky on CMT and I can't stop watching it. I'm assuming the apparent lack of interest in Jake's birthday today is a signal that the rest of you are either drunk and/or as disoriented as I am watching a disconcertingly young Jake right now... :)

Monica December 19, 2010 at 8:53 PM  

Happy birthday, Jake Gyllenhaal!

KD,  December 19, 2010 at 10:47 PM  


*Presented from Taylor, with Love*

Sasha,  December 20, 2010 at 6:32 AM  

ahhh well - a happy belated birthday gylls ... may your midlife-crises end soon and you find your way of aging proudly ... cheers

Vanessa December 20, 2010 at 9:02 AM  

Well, I unashamedly was very absent from Jake's b-day celebration yesterday because I wasted the whole damn day trying to get my new iPhone (my Xmas present to myself) figured out. I mean, really Steve Jobs, it couldn't be a little more user friendly?

On another note, I wish Gylls all the best in his horribly OLD AGE. O.M.G., how are we going to cope with such a geezer as OLD JAKE now? I guess the days of young Jake like in October Sky are way over now. Boofuckinghoo. ^_^

NoSuchAngel December 20, 2010 at 3:21 PM  

I have failed as a Gyllenhaalic, I had no idea it was his birthday. Quite frankly, all I knew was it was sometime in December and never took 5 seconds to figure out what day.

Happy Birthday, Jake. I hope I'm as hot as you when I'm your age!

Anonymous,  December 20, 2010 at 9:10 PM  

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???????????????????

Becky Heineke December 20, 2010 at 9:29 PM  

^^^ What the HAAAAIIIILLL?!

I would like to start by saying I initially clicked over here to comment on Katie's post and say how much I LOVE THIS COMMUNITY. I know we're tiny and we're weird and everyone else in the Jake world looks down on us, but I can't express how much I love our communal reaction to Jake's birthday and, subsequently, every single comment left here.

THAT SAID, I also love that we are a community that can talk openly about this T-Swift biz. Because no. I'm sorry, NO.

This needs to stop, if for no other reason than I have a very personal financial motive in Jake being as appealing as possible and THIS IS NOT HELPING ME.

Dear. God.

Sasha,  December 21, 2010 at 2:29 AM  

OMG! I almost saw my breakfast for a second time when I read that article anon 12/20 9:10 posted ....

AND WHAT? T-thingy too mature??? HELLOOOOO???

doonick,  December 21, 2010 at 11:24 AM  

Look Magazine is such a low end, crappy publication, I'm surprised it’s still around. With every new story about these two, Jake becomes more and more emasculated. By the time Tay-Tay's pr people and the tabloids are done with him, he'll be a eunuch which will be perfect for Taylor as she'll have her own life size Ken doll to play with. Seriously, the dude needs to grow a new set and find a real woman with a fanbase above the age of 12 because that's who Taylor's team are marketing this romance to.
As amusing as I find this couple, I seriously can’t handle much more of this rainbow glitter and fairytale bullshit, it’s making me ill.

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