Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Jake & Taylor: US Weekly Confirms What We Already Knew (Though I'm Guessing My Laughing for Five Full Minutes Wasn't the Reaction They Were Going For)

In Chapter 15 of the riveting social commentary I'm Stalking Jake!, intrepid author Becky Heineke (me) describes a scenario in which sometime movie star and all-the-time celebrity Jake Gyllenhaal started dating a blonde-haired, blue-eyed woman, kept it under wraps, waited until the weekend his movie opened in the United States to be officially "caught" with her by photographers, and then had those photographs unveiled to the public in the middle of the following week.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  Spoiler alert:  This tactic didn't help Rendition


I went to two bookstores this morning and neither had this yet, although I did discover that US Weekly has a full Taylor Swift special edition magazine out right now, with a Justin Bieber inset on the cover and a section on Taylor's dating tips ("I love it when you're having a hilarious conversation where your stomach hurts because you're laughing so hard").  Well, Taylor, maybe you and I should date because I was laughing like that when I saw the US Weekly cover.

My friend Greta (yes, readers of the book, that Greta!) is living in Nashville right now.  This is the text message she sent me on Monday:


Someday I'll tell the thrilling tale of why I am still using my same Motorola Razr from 2006...  Maybe that same day, I'll tell the story about Prince William visiting Nashville in 2004 and my college roommate's sister missing him at the mall by a mere 24 hours.  Nashville can suck it.  But in the meantime, I anxiously await someone else's successful quest to find this magazine so the article can be scanned in and we can all mock it mercilessly.

Seriously, I could set my watch by him...  

Thanks to Monica for posting the cover in the forum!

21 comments:

Sasha,  December 1, 2010 at 11:55 AM  

haha so funny yet sooooo sad at the same time ... sorry but I'm still not up for that.

And of course a LOLable read PG :D and sorry for your Nashville-Memphis-"Problem" :( xD

clarabel,  December 1, 2010 at 12:04 PM  

Could that photo be anymore set up?!! lmao too

Taylor: "Jake just smile whilst I pretend not to look at the camera, whilst strategically holding this coffee cup for maximum advertisement potential"

Jake: "It's okay young 'un I've done this before! (cue permagrin)"

Great post PG x

coffeecat December 1, 2010 at 12:06 PM  

It's not you, it's him. Jake is wrong-wrong-wrong for not visiting Memphis - and you.

Melissa December 1, 2010 at 12:29 PM  

This cover broke in Pittsburgh today on a radio hostess' blog with the headline: "PUKE."

Seriously, the ridiculousness of this pairing coupled with the thunderous Echoes of Jeese is some good stuff. Plus whenever he does these publicity-whoring maneuvers I just crack up thinking, "Well, apparently for Jake it is NOT all about learning." Or at least he's learning a different lesson than the one Stephen was trying to impart to you!

Anonymous,  December 1, 2010 at 2:34 PM  

Wow Jake, how unpredictable of you! By the way, you forgot to give Taylor a piggyback ride. *eye roll*
I'm not sure I have the stomach to read the article that will come with this pic, I am still extremely creeped out by the idea of Jake dating that girl. I'm gonna need a good dose of your humor to get through this, PG. :)

Is it just me or do their feet look weird on that cover, like they were cut and pasted? And also her feet make it look like she's walking ahead of Jake but her arm is behind his back. Weird.

I hope this is not the start of another 2 years of Jake being constantly referred to as someone's boyfriend and doing nothing but following a girl around looking like he's pussy whipped. I've had more than enough of that with Reese.

Olympia

S4M985 December 1, 2010 at 3:27 PM  

NO fucking way... this has gone from bad to worse. Coffee shop pictures were bad... these are just worse. Excuse me while i go vomit.

Anonymous,  December 1, 2010 at 3:33 PM  

I figured US Weekly would be the one with the first pics of them walking around in public together. I don't think this thing is going to last. How in the world did they meet (I'm thinking at some Hollywood after party and they coordinated that meeting in NY at SNL then he invited her to brunch the next day.)

He has to go to Australia this coming weekend so no more 'strolls' around Nashville or NY.

Does this mean he'll be moving to Nashville, I thought he was a Calif boy. And what about POOR Atticus, I'm sure he misses his master (unless he is going to bring him to Nashville too)

yeah this is laughable. If Jake was serious about the whole 'I'm turning 30 so now it's time to settle down' bit he is barking up the wrong tree. She's probably using him as fodder for her next album.

good luck Jake, you're going to need it

Prophecy Girl December 1, 2010 at 5:17 PM  

Hello to the universal backlash!

Clarabel gets the comment win for this one. :D HA!! And Melissa, THIS. Haha, every time I see someone write something like, "This is so out of character for him!" I just want to say that's not even remotely true, and I know this because I *literally* wrote the book on it. The more time that passes, the more idiotic the poetry reading lecture becomes because MY GOD.

Olympia, you got me laughing all over again with the piggyback ride comment. WHY does he do this to himself?!

NoSuchAngel December 1, 2010 at 5:26 PM  

Set-up or not, I totally fell for it. I will admit my spirit is somewhat crushed at the moment. I'm going to try my darndest to hang in there with Jake and hope my affections for him do not falter because, quite frankly, there aren't many celebs out there who I've actually gotten to like more after seeing them be interviewed. And I'm going to try not to hate Taylor. Although I think its really odd how she's seemingly holding her coffee cup so intentionally. It looks more like a Folgers commercial or one of those fake pictures you get when you buy a new picture frame.

If Jake's immaturity is what the media has made it to be (and personal experience from guys nearly Jake's age) it makes complete sense he's with someone so much younger. That's not to say I agree with it -- I think Taylor has the maturity of a 16 year old girl.

I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D SEE THIS DAY!!!

Lola,  December 1, 2010 at 5:54 PM  

I have to admit I'm one of those people who was like "This seems so unlike Jake", but this cover photo screams FAKE at me. Which makes me wonder about reese. I hate to think this way about him. Its not a good time to be a Jake fan.

Nicky,  December 1, 2010 at 7:34 PM  

I just read the article on ONTD and let me tell you it's a laugh a minute! It focuses more on Taylor and why she's sooo much better than Reese. Honestly, it's such BS, they spend most of the time shipping Jake and Taylor as a couple but admit it probably isn't going to last past the holidays! Wow, that's a coincidence, isn't that when they're both done with their promo duties? The pics are really funny too, almost as genuine as the Heidi Montag swimming pool photos ;)

Lola,  December 1, 2010 at 8:57 PM  

I was just watching TV with my older sister, who totally isn't into celebrities, but she does think Jake's hot. Anyway this story came up for what was going to come up on E!news later, and knowing I'm a fan of his asked me if it was true and I said yes. She said it was weird and that Taylor is really immature, and that's coming from a country music fan.

S4M985 December 2, 2010 at 4:58 AM  

ah... did someone say he is coming here to Australia this weekend???

S4M985 December 2, 2010 at 4:59 AM  

OMG ITS TRUE! AND WHY IS IT THE ONE WEEKEND I WILL BE ON A SECLUDED ISLAND AT A WEDDING!

Prophecy Girl December 2, 2010 at 9:28 AM  

^^^ It's almost like he's doing this on purpose at this point! :(

Scans of the article are up in the forum, in case anyone hasn't been over there in the past 12 hours or so to read it. It's pretty ridiculous. Nicky, you summed it up quite perfectly, in fact... :)

Call Me Mo December 2, 2010 at 10:45 AM  

Let's all riot in the streets.

Rawr

Nothing Really Matters December 3, 2010 at 2:42 PM  

This news even made it to British TV!

Cantara Christopher December 5, 2010 at 6:15 PM  

Whose parents? Oh, never mind. This doesn't mean he's stopped being a hound--check out this cell phone shot from a recent Lakers game: http://bit.ly/hOnxnd

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