Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Uh oh. Has Jake Gyllenhaal turned into a WEREWOLF?????

Unless you've been living in a remote region of the Serengeti since, oh, 2005, you probably already know that the third installment of the Twilight Saga (Eclipse) hits theaters today.

The Twilight Saga is quite popular with the youngs and the olds alike, for it is a ravishing tale of rampant and unexplained lust, and happily avoids major character deaths in all battle scenes.  It is the story of two men - one hot, one cold - and one woman - normal temperature - and their struggle to ward off their extreme three-way attraction.

But as each of us goes out into the world today and either sees this movie because of a deep connection to the characters and love for the books or doesn't see this movie because of a belief that the story as a whole spells the death of American literature, I will be here wondering what the hell is wrong with all of you.

Who cares about fake vampires and werewolves when there is a real werewolf in our midst?  AND HIS NAME IS JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

May I present Exhibit A:  A Day in the Life of Jake Gyllenhaal's Beard Growth

8:00 AM

Noon

8:00 PM

And that last shot is only about half an hours' growth away from looking like this:


IS THIS NORMAL?  No.  It's not.  Jake's been getting a lot of flack for his beard lately, but he can't help it.  Because Jake is a werewolf.  And I can prove it.

Exhibit B:  That Time Jake Was Attacked By A Werewolf


This is Jake immediately after being attacked by a werewolf.  The man wearing the shirt with the inspirational aphorism on the back tried to rush to his rescue but, as you can see, blood was spilled.  Jake was bitten.


Poor Jake.  He is inconsolable, knowing that he's slowly morphing into the monster that just attacked him.


And so it begins.  Jake Gyllenhaal is gone, and in his place is this HORRIBLE BEAST-MONSTER OF DOOM.

The beard is just the beginning.  Before long, Jake will look like this:
And he will have to forfeit all of his love interests to vampires.  The end.

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Jake Rocks Unabomber Look






"The Unabomber" is one of Jake's oldest and most classic looks, and one which he never fails to pull off.  I personally like this new iteration even more than the version we saw him work just last month:


I first wrote of this fashion trend (not to be confused with "The Jesus") back in 2007.  At the time, I also noted that, to complete the look, he was "wearing sunglasses and sneakers and carrying a beverage cup."

Three years later (almost to the day):
There's a real comfort in doing this job sometimes...

Unabomber sketch from this site.

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Monday, June 28, 2010

And...STOP.


WHAT IS THIS.  Oh, you can give me that look all you'd like, Gyllenhaal.  You can look at the camera like nothing is wrong.  And you can walk ten steps ahead of her...


You can squint in feigned innocence and ignore that uncomfortable look on her face as you say, "What?  Prophecy Girl?  Who is that?"


Hell, you can even open the damned door for her for all I care.


But you know what, Jake?  My cat died today.  And where were you?  You were out on the town, gallivanting with loose women, while I was at home eating microwavable Chinese noodles and crying over the new Deathly Hallows trailer.

Oh.  OH.  We are so fighting right now.

More nonsense at IHJ.

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SHOCKER: Jake Gyllenhaal Leaves Gym

At least I think that's Jake. I hardly recognize him underneath his stylish and color-coordinated gym get-up...







More at IHJ!

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Sunday, June 27, 2010

Name That Emotion!


I'm going with "horror over having to choose another team to cheer for now that both the U.S. and England are out of the World Cup." :(

(This entire photo set is quite the treasure trove of emotional turmoil.)

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

That Time I Met Jake

Since I've started this blog, the most frequently asked question I've gotten - by far - is if I've met Jake Gyllenhaal.  And the honest answer to that question is YES.

I know that for many, this Jake business is very new, and so is this blog.  But I've actually been writing about Jake for almost 4 years now.  I wrote a blog called Jake Watch in 2006 and 2007, and in its day, it was a very, very popular site.  In fact, after iheartjake.com, it was the most popular Jake Gyllenhaal site on the internet.  It was also the very first Jake Gyllenhaal blog on the internet, and while none of us ever openly acknowledge it, all of the other Jake blogs out there right now are written by former readers of Jake Watch (such was its vast and considerable influence). 

Jake Watch wasn't started by me.  It was the brainchild of the brilliant and incomparable britpopbaby, who was nice enough to let me help her out when her creation became too big for her to handle alone.  Over time, we became an unstoppable team, and we did more crazy things together than I could ever cram into a single blog post.

But I was able to cram all of those things into a book, which is what I've been doing in the 2 1/2 years since Jake Watch ended. 

The book we will get to...but since I know Jake Watch isn't familiar to everyone, and is in the distant past for even those who are familiar with it, I wanted to periodically re-post some of the best stuff we did over there.  And what better way to start than re-posting something that I get asked about several times a week...

So, yes! I have met Jake Gyllenhaal (or should I say, Jake Gyllenhaal has met me, lucky guy)!  Here is the story, from September 8, 2007:


Jake and PG's Excellent Conversation

[Background:  I was at the Toronto International Film Festival.  To set the scene, Rendition was a month away from its theatrical release in the United States and Jake's last movie was Zodiac, 6 months earlier.]

The above picture was not taken during the portion of the afternoon where I talked to Jake. This was the portion of the afternoon where I captured this image with my camera even though all my eyes caught was THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. I mean, seriously. How many times can that even happen to a person?!

Then he came back out of the building. The extremely short version, because I am tired (details later!):

PG (who has taken a magazine from her hotel room and opened it to a two-page spread advertising Rendition): Jake, can you sign this?

Jake: Sure.

PG: I run a website for you.

Jake (looks up and smiles): Oh, yeah?

PG: Yeah, Jake Watch!

Jake: Oh, wow! OK!

Jake and PG smile and look at each other and awkwardly nod until other autograph seekers distract Jake's attention away. PG starts snapping pictures.

PG: I'm taking some pictures of you. I hope that's OK.

Jake (looks over and smiles again): Sure, that's fine.

PG: Thank you!

[Click for big versions.]


(This is not zoomed; I was really that much up in his grill. You can see my reflection in his sunglasses. I'm wearing a pink shirt.)





Then Peter Sarsgaard [also in Rendition] came out.

PG: Peter, can you sign this?

Peter: Sure.

PG: Uh, sorry it's a picture of Jake.

Peter (laughing): It's fine.

Peter then signs his name boldly across the picture of Jake. He steals PG's Sharpie to sign autographs for several other people.

PG: Can I take some pictures?

Peter (smiling): Sure!



Peter: Whose Sharpie is this? (to PG) Was it yours?

PG: Yeah, thanks.

Meanwhile, a WireImage photographer caught a picture of PG and Sarsy conversing. Just so you know I'm not making this up (and shhh! don't tell them I'm posting their picture!):

(PG and Peter shared a moment earlier in the afternoon when he arrived and she yelled, "PETER!!!" and starting jumping up and down and waving even though she was at that point quarantined across the street. He waved back. It was a good time for everyone.)

THEN, at the world premiere of Rendition, Jake was kind enough to walk by me again on the red carpet inside the building:

There wasn't a lot of (any) talking at that point, but I'm sure it was because he didn't want to be distracted. No doubt he was still ruminating on our ground-breaking discussion from earlier.

Meanwhile, [a friend who was with me] was taking the following video so that everyone would have the chance to experience the hysteria of waiting for Jake to whiz by:


video

[And then we went inside the theater and watched Rendition for the first time in the same room as Jake himself!  Except Jake left about 10 minutes in and there were several hundred other people in the theater and my seat was up so high that had I flung myself down to his level, I likely would have been killed on impact.  But it was a fun adventure!  And that is the incredibly true story of the time I met Jake Gyllenhaal.  Although this was not the only time I've seen Jake Gyllenhaal, but we'll save that story for another day...]

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Friday, June 25, 2010

BREAKING: Jake Gyllenhaal Doing Something Entirely Ordinary

Er, so actually these are the pictures I was planning to post a day or so ago, but then I had to wait while Jake took every available opportunity to have his picture taken with a car.

SO.  If you look to your right, you will see that I have listed "Going for a Walk" as Jake's very next project.  I like to provide the readers of this blog with the type of inside information that you're just not going to get anywhere else, and it's always nice to see a scoop of mine verified.  See Jake hard at work below:





What a stride this guy has!


ALSO, you know how a week or so ago I told you I would never again pester you about voting for the Pixel Project?  Well, I lied, because they extended their voting deadline until June 30 and now, by a miracle of staggering proportions, the details and doings of which are beyond my mortal comprehension, Jake -- after lagging so dismally behind in third place that I actually told the people at the Pixel Project that they should count their blessings he wasn't dead last -- is inexplicably only 200 votes away from beating the dude from "True Blood" and winning the damn poll.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.  I don't know, except maybe I just write really convincing essays.  So anyway, if you haven't yet voted, you can do so HERE, and let it never be said that I didn't do my part to get out the vote.  Thank you, and happy Friday.

More pics where you'd think they'd be.  Thanks to Faz4980 for the picture tip!

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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Jake Woos Fan With Prince of Persia Merchandise

(Because there's happy news today, too!)

Once upon a time, Jake Gyllenhaal was in a movie called Prince of Persia.  It was a magnificent movie, full of sand and ostriches and time travel.

To celebrate its impending release, Jake solicited questions from everyone in the world, but he only liked three of the submissions, and those were the ones he answered in this video:


Two of the questions we don't care about, but the third question (which is actually the second question) was so wonderful that Jake got flustered and accidentally called the questioner Ellen instead of Erin and then gave an overly sexualized answer.

And then we found out that the Ellen in question is really the Erin who is the Erin who is our dear friend Silver!  And since Jake now knows Erin, it's kind of like he knows all of us!  (Except not at all.)

But anyway, in addition to getting her question answered, Erin was also the recipient of this amazing gift set, full of wonderful things that lowly bloggers such as myself long for with ill-contained envy!  She got a Prince of Persia-themed watch, a journal, 2 t-shirts, an arm-strap-thingy, and a poster with a personalized autograph:





One time when I was 14, I came in third in an American Online-sponsored "Lois and Clark" trivia game and won an unsigned 8x10 glossy photo of Dean Cain.

But this is better.

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Jake fans, I think we need to have a talk.

So, apparently the post that I put up earlier this week about Jake's younger years, which took me many, many hours to compile and write, has been posted almost in its entirety and without any reference as to where it came from by a reader at IHJ.

I just want to make it clear that you can't do that.  You can't take credit for something that I wrote.  Not only is it a slap in the face to the time it takes me to write this blog every day, but legally, you can't do that.  Everything on this site that I don't explicitly credit to someone else is my intellectual property; there is (and always has been) a copyright disclaimer at the bottom of this page to make sure there isn't any confusion on that.

I know I'm awesome and all, and I sure as hell appreciate any and every place anyone wants to share my stuff...but for God's sake, you have to tell people where it came from! 

And now that I've completely destroyed the mood, here are some pictures of Jake.  He looks annoyed because he just had to sit through the 20 minute version of this rant with me on the phone.




More, as usual...

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