Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Special Car Report: What Would Dastan Do?

Jake Gyllenhaal has failed at life recently by not being photographed climbing into his car, a feat which all of us wait for with bated breath and judge him for based on the harsh but fair standards of his past performances.

Concerned as I am about the psychological toll this drought is taking on all of us, I went in search of a distraction, and found one so astounding that I'm having difficulty remaining calm enough to type this sentence.  

Friends, I have unearthed a set of photos that may (or may not) be worth far more than their weight in gold (which is nothing, because these are digital pictures):


Prince Dastan.  Alive, well, and approaching a car (sometime several months ago).  If we can't have Jake, this allows us the next best thing.  So, without further ado, I hereby present to you my analysis (on a scale of 1-10) of Dastan's car entrance.

The Approach:

Though we can't see what the right hand is doing, the left hand is empty...hardly a harbinger of a good show to come, but I'll refrain from judging this early.

The Approach, Part 2:

(Because we're ignoring the photo I started this post with...)  Where the FUCK did that apple come from?  Alright, Dastan, I'm impressed.  I'm not easily impressed, but that was impressive...

The Open:

Already?  TOO SOON.  Abort!  Abort!  I still can't see both hands!  We're crashing, Dastan...crashing...and burning...

The Get-In:

And it's over.  Christ on a crutch.

Way too rushed, no attention to detail, but I will award a few tenths for the apple.

Dastan's Car-Getting-Into Score = 1.9

And he knows he's let us down:

HE KNOWS.

In happier Dastan-themed news, word on the street is that Prince of Persia will be hitting your home Blu-ray/DVD players on September 14!   That's so soon!  I'd been thinking it would be closer to Christmas, but for some reason Disney didn't ask for my marketing advice on this one.

45 comments:

Call Me Mo July 13, 2010 at 12:16 PM  

Who knew the SNL polar bear outfit came in black?!

KD,  July 13, 2010 at 12:44 PM  

DASTAN. Where have you been?! I yearn for you with quivering thighs!

THE DVD COMES OUT SEPT. 14th?! Pre-ordered bitches~

What a disappointing attempt. I am ashamed. However, PG, I think you were a little harsh on judging. Don't you think some points should be awarded for his smile and maneuvering in that god forsaken parka of his? And for being able to EAT that apple without getting juice all down his bloody arm? That's pretty impressive, no?

Prophecy Girl July 13, 2010 at 2:13 PM  

HAHA! I am laughing so much today at comments everywhere. :D "I yearn for your quivering thighs" is a sentence of beauty!

Alas, KD, you present a compelling case, though I have to wonder why, knowing he had not performed to his full potential, Dastan didn't dagger-of-time himself and do it over again?! Nonetheless, I probably robbed him of a couple of hard-won tenths. Because I'm the generous sort, I'll add them onto Jake's next car score. :D

Lena July 13, 2010 at 2:54 PM  

I'm laughing so hard!! This post made my shitty day!!
What's even better is that I was eating a juicy green apple while reading the post, Dastan and me are apple mates, yey!
And the quivering thighs are awesome! I'm using that from now on!

Lena July 13, 2010 at 3:35 PM  

Oh and, I do looove Jake with Dastan hair! Why can't he decide to grow his hair instead of his beard?!?
Please PG, tell him to start nurturing the other hair cover on his head!

S4M985 July 13, 2010 at 4:37 PM  

Well, that must have been Jakes shout out to me as September 14 is my brithday :)

Maybe we should give him some slack, he's now so worried about what score we will give him he is dressing up in disguise to open car doors... Although, my bets are on at least a 4 next time...

Leslie July 13, 2010 at 4:53 PM  

Every time I see that second pic I swear it's not him!! It so does not look like JG!

I think he deserves a bit more too due to the curvature of his body on getting into the car . . usually it's a lean into . . this time he seems to be sort 'gliding in,' no?

Oh and KD's comment was about her own thighs . . not JBG's. ;) I think we saw where your mind goes on THAT one, PG!! *poke*

Prophecy Girl July 13, 2010 at 5:22 PM  

WOW, check out my complete and utter inability to read. Damn you, KD!! I'm blaming your comment on the last post for sending my thoughts in the wrong direction. ;D

Alright, so I guess I was a little harsh in my grading. I suppose I should grade on what is actually there, and not what I hope to see... All in all, it suppose it could have been worse. :D

Prophecy Girl July 13, 2010 at 5:24 PM  

"it suppose"?? "I suppose"! Now I can't type either. I should just hide myself away for the rest of the day apparently.

KD,  July 13, 2010 at 5:26 PM  

Ahaha, thanks for clearing that up, Leslie! I was confused for a moment, think I had somehow mistyped my own thoughts AGAIN.

IT CAN BE JAKE'S THIGHS IF YOU WANT, PG. Dat cool too.

Prophecy Girl July 13, 2010 at 6:04 PM  

I'm still laughing about this!!! My chosen interpretation somehow paints Jake in a feminine light... But EITHER WAY, it's a good sentence. ;D

Anonymous,  July 13, 2010 at 6:16 PM  

http://justjared.buzznet.com/2010/07/13/jake-gyllenhaal-stand-up-to-cancer-psa/

Vanessa,  July 13, 2010 at 6:44 PM  

OMFG, all you Gyllenho's! I am still LMAO after reading everything. I was gone all day & missed out on this until now & may I say PG, that you are extraordinary with your choice of news today!!! Naturally, these pics are my favorite Jake look. I am so addicted to PoP, it is SO not funny now. I actually snuck away from work today to go see it ONE MORE TIME, because it is GONE tomorrow, the horror! They are replacing my beloved Prince with Sorcerer's Apprentice. I actually want to see that movie & am a Nick Cage fan & love his look in that movie too, (ok, I ADORE long hair on men). But taking my precious PoP from me, AAARRGGGHHH! I am already having withdrawal symptoms...

PG, you have also made me feel better with your news of the release date of the DVD. ONLY 9 more weeks, much better than I thought, Disney is notorious for releasing their DVD's around Nov for Christmas sales. So, that is promising. I guess I should take a break from it, & get over my addiction. Naw, why should I? He is just too beautiful for words & brings me so much Gyllenjoy.

& KD, the "quivering thighs" EXCELLENT, my thoughts exactly.

Of course, PG's wonderful image of Jake's quivering thighs is WAY better, THANK YOU FOR THAT!!! >;-)

Vanessa,  July 13, 2010 at 7:02 PM  

Thanks anonymous for that heads up!

Well, just when I thought I couldn't love The Gyllenhaal any more, he goes & does that PSA for SU2C & my heart is bursting now. I am SO proud of him. His PSA will air tonight on the MLB All star game. It is showing on Fox in Houston, not sure what other stations are airing it. I am getting that on my DVR & keeping it! I know, I'm hopeless. But he looks gorgeous in that PSA, don't cha think? What am I saying? He looks gorgeous no matter what he does. >;-)

Prophecy Girl July 13, 2010 at 7:31 PM  

THANK YOU, ANON. :)

And Vanessa, I don't think I ever responded to you over on whatever thread it was where you were talking about how many times you'd seen PoP, but hats off to you!!! Your dedication is amazing. :D

And now I'm going to post this because my internet connection is going down again, and it took me thirty minutes to put up the new post. :( It's like Comcast doesn't even REALIZE how important my online life is. Sheesh.

KD,  July 13, 2010 at 9:52 PM  

Vanessa - SAME. THOSE BICEPS. But my favorite Jake look is his Jack "Nasty"/BBM look. Think...his BBM interview with Oprah. Also his moviefone unscripted "Brothers" interview. My second favorite look would have be him in this interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5W1bNpjk-E&playnext_from=TL&videos=pUxtEsuakIQ

I love Nick Cage as well, but I think all of his movies after National Treasure and National Treasure 2 have been really big disappointments for me. I think he needs to go back to character films versus big block busters. It's there that his acting chops really are on display. I'm not going to watch The Sorcerers' Apprentice until it hits Netflix.

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 13, 2010 at 9:52 PM  

Lena, I to am saddened because I love Jake's PoP hair, and that we will probably never see it again unless there is a sequel. And Vanessa, I too have the DVR going, but from past experience, just the PSA should be on YouTube later without all the pesky baseball! As for Jake's quivering thighs, could there be a much more beautiful image? But there is beauty from his hair, PoP or not, to his cute feet, with a scenic rest stop just south of the Happy Trail. I am hopelessly gyllenhaalic. Maybe instead of I'm Stalking Jake this should be a gyllenhaalics support group. The only catch is, none of us want to be saved! It is just too delicious dreaming and drooling over the Gyllengod. Amen.

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 13, 2010 at 10:08 PM  

OT: I hope you all saw my Jake as Ronald McDonald on Gyllenhaal Treasures -- I did it for you! :-)

Prophecy Girl July 13, 2010 at 10:14 PM  

^^^ On behalf of the group, it is much appreciated!!! :D Sorry, I've been a little off my game lately or I would have linked to it earlier...it is HERE for anyone who has not yet seen Ronald McDonald Jake in all his glory. ;D

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 13, 2010 at 10:46 PM  

PG -- Thanks for beating YouTube to our Jake PSA! You are good! And thanks for Jake McDonald link -- that was very sweet!

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 12:59 AM  

Wow, KD, thanks for that link, I never saw that interview for tDaT, he is too damn funny in just about everything. Yes, I agree with you regarding the Oprah BBM show, I remember seeing that back then, but at that time, I was a huge HL fan more than Jake. I know, I know, sacrilege, but seriously, I thought Jack Nasty was gorgeous of course, but I was more overwhelmed with the whole story & their beautiful relationship at the time. Not to forget about the huge controversy. I am so pro gay rights & thought it's about time to make a movie like this, but there were so many that didn't feel the way I did & just did what they could to cheapen it. Stupid, self righteous fools. Well, luckily it won best movie for several awards & the powers that be didn't buckle under to the haters.

I have that moviefone unscripted interview on my laptop, didn't you love his name for his band?? Jake Gyllenhaal's Mirken... hahaha. He is so damn funny & the way his mind works. Wow. that's all I can say about that, just WOW.

Glad to hear you like Nick Cage, I will be sure to report back to you what I think of the Sorcerer's Apprentice. I get the biggest kick out of Jay Baruchel, so he's another reason for me wanting to see that movie. As far as Nick's last few movies, I loved Kick-Ass, although his part was not why. I love Aaron Johnson & can't wait to see his next movie. & that Hit Girl, OMG, what a character. Bizarro movie, for sure, but again right up my alley. I have to say I really did like Lord of War, Ghost Rider, & Bangkok Dangerous, & am looking forward to Season of the Witch too. OK, enough about Nick, back to our Jakey.

So glad to see more of you Gyllengaals love longer hair on our hero. Yum, yum. I love the scruff on his face, but full beard, not so much. So, if he will just run around half naked looking like Prince Dastan more often, I am in Gyllenheaven. Move over, gyllenhaalisgr8! I love that new one, "Gyllengod". yeah, buddy, that thought just kept going thru my mind throughout PoP, he looks like a god in that movie. & love the Ronald/Jake pic, too funny. I really wish I knew how to do photo manips like that, I am envious. I will take the time to learn it one day, I swear. Later, you guys. >;-)

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 2:41 AM  

Sorry for my extra comments once again, stupid website said my comment was too long & wouldn't post it, so I cut it up not realizing it actually posted it.

PG, please fix it when you can. Thanks & sorry again.

KD, please note, THIS is an EPIC FAIL.

Prophecy Girl July 14, 2010 at 8:50 AM  

^^^ HEE HEE. Taken care of. :)

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 14, 2010 at 9:03 AM  

Mirken? Okay, what did I miss? Jake's band was Holeshot. Where am I? Who are you? I need a cig.

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 14, 2010 at 10:03 AM  

This PSA is a bit longer, in case you haven't seen it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hgsNFXVQSs

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 10:52 AM  

gyllenhaalisgr8, if you haven't watched those videos from his Brothers' promo at moviefone unscripted with Natalie & Tobey, you must check them out asap. It explains the "mirken" band name. LMAO, he is so hysterical, makes me insane. Yep, totally insane.

Of course there is always the other band he likes, "Natalie Portman's Shaved Head". She & Tobey are too cute in those as well.

Prophecy Girl July 14, 2010 at 11:12 AM  

gyllenhaalisgr8, I didn't see there was a longer version until this morning, but I amended the previous post when I saw it!

AND the Moviefone interviews are HERE should you want to watch. They're pretty damned funny. :D

KD,  July 14, 2010 at 3:16 PM  

"Jake has alopecia in his pubic hair."

"NATALIE!"

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 5:16 PM  

LMAO, KD!!! I know, that was too funny & the faces he makes when she says that. Hahahaha...

gyllenhaalisgr8, I thought they were talking about the K-OS song that has Natalie Portman's name in the title, I guess I didn't hear them talk about a K-OS song about Jake. Here is a link to the K-OS song on youtube, "I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6eOdiM7nDo

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 14, 2010 at 7:37 PM  

I am so confused. Must have been the two days of colon hydrotherapy. What a rush. Give me a minute to regroup. K-OS, chaos, C.H.A.O.S. -- I think I need Maxwell Smart. Gyllenjeebers!

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 8:39 PM  

Hahaha, gyllenhaalisgr8, that was a funny comment & then to end it with OMG, "Gyllenjeebers"!!! LMAO!

I know, it WAS a tad confusing, especially since the damn song doesn't even have anything to do with Natalie, it is just the title. Weird. >;-)

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 8:43 PM  

OK, WTF??? Blogger keeps making me do double posts lately. Not sure what's going on, but anyway, ignore the 2nd one. Sorry.

gyllenhaalisgr8 July 14, 2010 at 9:46 PM  

Made mine double, too (and it wasn't that good the first time, LOL!). Now for tonight's project: I just put Jake on Mt. Rushmore with the title, MOUNT JAKE MORE! Is there any hope for me?

Vanessa,  July 14, 2010 at 10:40 PM  

"MOUNT JAKE MORE!" OMFG!!!

hahahaha, that is priceless.... I'm still laughing...

I got next!!! heheheh... >;-)

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