Thursday, October 14, 2010

Words of Wisdom from Your Fearless Leader

I'm going to Nashville for the day.  So...

Dear Jake,
Please try to contain yourself for just this one day and don't do anything that requires a Twitter update, Christ.
Prophecy Grrrrrrl

In the Jake world, 5-year-old pictures of Jake propping himself awkwardly on a chair count as "newsworthy."

Last year I had rats living in the ceiling of my apartment.  I live above a garage behind an enormous house...the type of house that inspires people to gasp, "You live here?!" when they pull into the driveway.  And then they pull around the house to the garage.  And see where I live.  And the reaction becomes more, "Oh, this makes more sense."

The rats in the ceiling didn't bother me at first because a) they couldn't get inside the apartment itself, and b) I thought they were squirrels.  I would hear them at night running up and down the walls and considering the squirrel population around here, I rashly made an identification assumption.  Sometimes I would have people over and I would, with no shame whatsoever, say, "If you hear something weird, don't worry, it's just the squirrels living in the walls."

But then one day I mentioned the situation to my parents and my dad logically pointed out that rodents chew on things and if the squirrels were in the walls, they might be chewing up my electrical wires and there was a possibility I could die horribly in a fire one night while I slept.

So I contacted my landlords.  Who called the exterminators.  Who discovered they weren't squirrels, but rats, and yes they had been chewing on things, though mostly my landlord's beehives stored underneath my apartment.

A couple of weeks and a few dead rats around the yard later, no more crawling in the walls.


About a month ago, I woke up one morning to the sound of scratching, and not being the type to overreact to such things, my first peaceful thought of the day was, "Oh, the rats are back."

I tried to fall back asleep...but something about the noise just didn't say "rat" to I opened my eyes and in the dim light of dawn I saw the biggest cockroach I have ever seen in my life running straight at my face across the pillow my head was on.

See, I also have a cockroach problem in my apartment.  The rats may have been fond of the beehives, but the cockroaches are fond of the piles of firewood that are stacked next to them.  Years of living here have hardened me, but even I can still be taken aback when one shows up in my bed.

I screamed an obscenity (which one is anyone's guess) and chased it down the entire length of my apartment but it WOULD NOT DIE.  I hit it and hit it and it WOULD NOT DIE.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" I screamed.  "WHY."  *whack*  "WON'T."  *whack*  "YOU."  *whack*  "DIE." *whack*

Finally it died.

Since I was already up, I decided to go for a run, which was horrible.  And the next day, my legs were so sore I could hardly walk.  I think it was because of the adrenaline.

So I learned my lesson that you shouldn't try to run immediately after an adrenaline rush, and also that cockroaches and rats make very different noises when crawling around your room.

I am always full of useful information.


Vanessa October 14, 2010 at 9:47 AM  

LMFAO!!! OMFG, PG. IS. BACK! Thank you so much for this! I was sitting at my computer trying to get my shit together to start another dreary day at work & stumbled across this by accident, (see I have already gotten accustomed to a whole lot less of you, PG!), & thought I was seeing things at first. (I was up most of the damn night furiously making animated gifs of Jake, which a couple are now in the forum), unfortunately when I learn how to do something new, I can't stop until I practically fall asleep sitting up.

I totally love this story, this is so damn funny & I can just see you trying to kill that GIGANTOR cockroach. >;-) I hope you enjoy your day in Nashville & hope to see more Prophecy Girl style stories when you get back! ^_^

I also uploaded Jake's Dreamgirls clip to YouTube, which they promptly put a block on for anyone overseas. What a shitty thing to do, YouTube! Not sure why they didn't just take it down, but of course the day is still young. So, if anyone wants to see it, it is in the forum here, just scroll down to reply # 6 > Jake on SNL

Sam October 14, 2010 at 4:13 PM  

Laughing. Out. Loud

Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom!!!

penny25,  October 14, 2010 at 5:25 PM  

That's a brilliant story. It really made me chuckle.

I love the 'WHY WON'T YOU DIE BIT' I can almost imagine you like Phoebe in that episode of Friends with the fire alarm that won't stop beeping.

KD,  October 14, 2010 at 10:29 PM  

Ahh, cockroaches. I love 'em, love how they scuttle across my bathroom floor next to my damp, bare feet, love how they crawl into the nooks and crannies of my walls and disappear before any punishment can be administered...

Huge cockroach problem at my dad's HK apartment. Not so much in SoCal though...


I just came back from work, ergo my feet are also sore. We are once again united in our cosmic misery, PG.

Becky Heineke October 15, 2010 at 9:54 AM  

You'd think I'd be used to just about everything now, having lived here for four day I'll tell the story of the beetle infestation in my entryway a few years ago. It was so bad I would have to run downstairs right before anyone came over and sweep them all outside and then pray it was too dark or my guest was too drunk upon leaving to notice the problem on their way out...

KD, I think you meant "AHHHHH COCKROACHES!!!!" :D I can deal with just about anything living (see rat example in post) but there's something about cockroaches... *shudder* (And sorry about your feet!! :( )

Sasha,  October 16, 2010 at 4:10 PM  

DOUBLE-LOL for the post and the tagging with "PETA"... they come and get you PG ...

Nothing Really Matters October 16, 2010 at 4:47 PM  

Thought I left you a comment darling!

Think I almost had a little accident from laughing to much! Only stuff like this could happen to you!

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