Wednesday, July 21, 2010


RULE #1:  Positioning is everything.  Just remember that if you hit the jackpot of stalking positioning - like, say, nabbing a seat next to Jake at a Lakers game - try not to freak out too much.  (We'll discuss the downside of panicking later.)

RULE #2:  When in doubt, improvise.  If you are forced into a less than desirable viewing position, make it work for you.  Even if what you've got is the back of his head, it's still the back of Jake's head.

RULE #3:  What's that?  A distraction?  For those less comfortable with staring even when Jake is faced 180 degrees in the opposite direction, your moment will come.  Just give it time, and always be ready to sneak a glance when everyone is looking at something else.

RULE #4:  Have you planted yourself directly in front of him?  Well done.  Wait until his attention is elsewhere and then turn around and stare, stare, STARE.

RULE #5:  Generally, contact should be avoided (you're stalking him, not befriending him), but if you can't help yourself, just remember DO NOT CROWD HIM.

It could get uncomfortable.  But nothing is as uncomfortable as being caught in the act.

RULE #6:  Has Jake caught someone stalking him?  Don't assume it's you (it's always foolish to assume you're the only stalker in the building).  PLAY IT COOL.  Don't panic. 

Didn't realize the Asian dude was also a stalker?  No one did until he gave himself away by freaking out.  Poor guy...he was doing so well that no one suspected him even with his huge-ass camera (see second picture above) and outrageously careful floor-level positioning.

But he blew it and now he just looks sad...

Meanwhile, the blonde chick who got a little excited earlier but then kept her cool when things got tense?

STILL IN THE GAME.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.


@jbhoneebee,  July 21, 2010 at 11:37 AM  

hahaha! i love this, now im ready for whenever i have a Jake encounter ;)

Call Me Mo July 21, 2010 at 1:45 PM  

Jake seems pleased that she is still in the game.

Sam July 21, 2010 at 4:36 PM  

I love the pic with the cheer leaders, all the other boys are staring at the girls, the girl is definately staring at Jake.... Jake it totally oblivious and hooked on the game. Thats my boy! (i think HE is still trying to find ME, he has 12 weeks till im married now)

Dani July 21, 2010 at 4:54 PM  

Good guide of steps of how to stalk him right under his nose.
Thank you very much, I am writing it down.

Leslie July 21, 2010 at 7:22 PM  

I think the cheerleader is locking eyes with the guy on Jake's right.

Becky Heineke July 21, 2010 at 7:48 PM  

^^^ Blasphemy! As if anyone would be capable of acknowledging the presence of others while Jake was around! ;D

(Pictures 1 and 5 made me laugh out loud for, like, five minutes when I first saw them.)

Vanessa,  July 21, 2010 at 8:25 PM  

Yay, Jake-Stalking 101, great post, PG!

I am now SO there, armed with the great stalking skills taught to us by our fearless leader. THANK YOU.

I love ISJ, this is the BEST PLACE EVER... >;-)

Miffed67 July 21, 2010 at 9:04 PM  

HI-larious! I'm printing this so I can keep it in a little notebook in my bag, it's a handy guide! Now I'll know what to do and can refer to it if I get in any sticky situations. THANKS, PG!

(p.s. linking really didn't even have to ask, I'd give you my blood, my first-born, the clothes off my back....ok, maybe not the clothes. LOL!)

Becky Heineke July 21, 2010 at 9:22 PM  

It's linked, baby! :D And I'm more than happy to provide stalking instructions earned from many years of hard training. I'm an all-service kind of blogger! HA!

Katie,  July 21, 2010 at 9:56 PM  

Oh I disagree...I think Jake is totally aware he's being practically visually molested by the cheerleader, he's just a smidge cocky about it. Check his facial expression.

What can I say, he only has eyes for me.

Vanessa,  July 21, 2010 at 10:17 PM  

After several hours of studying the "rules", I have made an observation about photo #4. The dude on his left apparently thinks he has really connected with Jake as his leg is totally all up against his & he is staring at their legs TOUCHING. Then in #5, doesn't it look like Jake is getting ready to bolt? I mean, he just looks a tad freaked at that guy totally invading his personal space.

LMAO, this is way funny, watching how the inexperienced stalkers do not know how to do it right. They should read the "rules" asap & get with the program. >;-)

Anonymous,  July 22, 2010 at 10:57 AM  


Anonymous,  July 22, 2010 at 11:56 AM  

lol - I really love your blog ... it always makes me smile/laugh

And I learn a lot - as I only started my stalking-career ;D

Becky Heineke July 22, 2010 at 12:58 PM  

^^^ Aw, thank you! I try my best to pass along information I feel is absolutely necessary. :D Here's to many happy stalking days ahead!!

Voulez Vouz July 24, 2010 at 6:44 PM  

First let me say that these rules are invaluable. This is totally going in my Jake folder on my computer. Next, doesn't the guy to Jake's right and then his left look a little like Jon Hamm? And lastly, Jake totally knows ALL eyes are on him. He totally enjoys it...except for that random dude who looks like he wants to kidnap Jake and be his bestest friend for life...WATCH HIM, JAKE!

Voulez Vouz July 24, 2010 at 6:47 PM  

Also, did anybody notice that Jake's wearing those same shoes in the grocery store trip? Wow...I'm a full-on Gyllenhaal stalker. I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!

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