Thursday, May 5, 2011

Holy Crap, Uncle Jack Nasty Might Be BACK.

Remember when you read Chapter 9 of I'm Stalking Jake! by Becky Heineke ("The Dastardly Uncle Jack Nasty and Other Fake Jake Stories")?  And remember how at the end of the chapter, UJN had disappeared but no one was sure where he went?

Longtime friend of the blog gyllenhaalisgr8 wrote me an e-mail recently that brought to my attention a Fake Jake on Facebook.  Her tales of his incompetence were staggering, and I couldn't resist friending this moron (who called himself, strangely, "Jake Benjamin-Gyllenhaal") so that I could spy on his lame-ass idiot self.

Though I was expecting a shitty, asinine profile, what I found shocked even me, and keep in mind that I am the only person on Earth who ever devoted an entire chapter in a book to the people who do shitty, asinine jobs of impersonating Jake Gyllenhaal on the internet.

Exhibit A:  J B-G had provided meaningless "proof" of his authenticity (fake celebrities, remember, are constantly trying to assure the rest of us that they are who they say they are):



("Official Member of FB"?  With a fucking BARCODE?  So dumb.)

Exhibit B:  J B-G had listed many relatives on Facebook...except - suspiciously - none of them were people Jake Gyllenhaal is actually related to:
Exhibit C:  J B-G had filled his portrait galleries with pictures from iheartjake.com:


Exhibit D:  OH MY GOD, HE DOESN'T PUT SPACES AFTER HIS COMMAS:


QUESTION:  Is the poorly-hyphenated Jake Benjamin-Gyllenhaal UJN reincarnated?!


I don't know.

But probably.

(And if so, true to his well-documented pattern of behavior, he has now decided to leave Facebook, a move that has rendered many of his fans extremely upset.  All of one person expressed suspicion regarding his timing:

Thank goodness "Russ Sill" was there to "set the record straight."

If you're interested in harassing this loser, he left Facebook today with one last status update asking everyone to contact him at [I'm not making this up] jakegyllenhaal-1980@hotmail.com.  Because if there's one thing we all know about the real Jake, it's that he likes to make his personal e-mail address as accessible to the public as possible.)

22 comments:

coffeecat May 5, 2011 at 5:36 PM  

Aside from everything else, here's how I knew it was a Fake-Jake:

"I love my fans"

I rest my case.

p.s. I wanna bar code@!

S4M985 May 6, 2011 at 1:53 AM  

Arch this is so lame, has he not read your book? Has he not learnt to put spaces in after his commas. What a loser

Cc!!! You're a crack up!!!

Sasha,  May 6, 2011 at 4:23 AM  

LOL comment @coffeecat

what to say to that??? maybe next time ;)

Sasha,  May 6, 2011 at 4:24 AM  

erm btw PG, did you "close" this word verification thing???
but at I can comment - that'S the most important :D

Prophecy Girl May 6, 2011 at 10:12 AM  

This is so weird, Sasha...I haven't changed anything! :-/ But like you said, as long as you're able to comment, it's all good. I don't know why all the sudden Blogger has decided to have comment issues! :(

CC - Well done, Agent. CASE CLOSED.

(An evil part of me wants to send this entry to that e-mail address.)

Sasha,  May 6, 2011 at 3:10 PM  

erm completely off topic, but can someone tell me from when this picture or jake is which is used as the profile pic??? It's such a nice picture :D

Prophecy Girl May 7, 2011 at 10:50 AM  

That picture was taken sometime during the Prince of Persia publicity rounds...I remember using it (or at least one from that same set of photos) sometime early on in this blog but I can't remember exactly what it's from! I want to say it's from a morning show, but I may totally be making that up. If I run across it I'll let you know! :)

Sasha,  May 7, 2011 at 3:16 PM  

thanx PG :D that'd be great

KD,  May 7, 2011 at 7:45 PM  

CC, you are so astute!

Linna,  May 8, 2011 at 2:44 AM  

@CC: LMFAO!!
Well put, very well put!

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