Remember when you read Chapter 9 of I'm Stalking Jake! by Becky Heineke ("The Dastardly Uncle Jack Nasty and Other Fake Jake Stories")? And remember how at the end of the chapter, UJN had disappeared but no one was sure where he went?
Longtime friend of the blog gyllenhaalisgr8 wrote me an e-mail recently that brought to my attention a Fake Jake on Facebook. Her tales of his incompetence were staggering, and I couldn't resist friending this moron (who called himself, strangely, "Jake Benjamin-Gyllenhaal") so that I could spy on his lame-ass idiot self.
Though I was expecting a shitty, asinine profile, what I found shocked even me, and keep in mind that I am the only person on Earth who ever devoted an entire chapter in a book to the people who do shitty, asinine jobs of impersonating Jake Gyllenhaal on the internet.
Exhibit A: J B-G had provided meaningless "proof" of his authenticity (fake celebrities, remember, are constantly trying to assure the rest of us that they are who they say they are):
("Official Member of FB"? With a fucking BARCODE? So dumb.)
Exhibit B: J B-G had listed many relatives on Facebook...except - suspiciously - none of them were people Jake Gyllenhaal is actually related to:
Exhibit D: OH MY GOD, HE DOESN'T PUT SPACES AFTER HIS COMMAS:
QUESTION: Is the poorly-hyphenated Jake Benjamin-Gyllenhaal UJN reincarnated?!
I don't know.
(And if so, true to his well-documented pattern of behavior, he has now decided to leave Facebook, a move that has rendered many of his fans extremely upset. All of one person expressed suspicion regarding his timing:
If you're interested in harassing this loser, he left Facebook today with one last status update asking everyone to contact him at [I'm not making this up] email@example.com. Because if there's one thing we all know about the real Jake, it's that he likes to make his personal e-mail address as accessible to the public as possible.)