Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Raging Discussions of Our Time: Jake Gyllenhaal on the Cover of UK Esquire - Hot or Not?

I say not.  A cursory and garishly incomplete survey of other people's opinions across the internet suggests I'm in the minority.  A breakdown of my argument below:

1.  The haunted stare has an intensity that veers more toward physical hunger than sexual hunger.  There's also a hint of disbelief in that look, as if Jake is saying to us, "You won't believe what they want me to do with Taylor Swift..."

2.  Bad posture is never attractive.  It's even less attractive in a suit that looks like it has shoulder pads.

3.  Hand placement reinforces the hunger theme.  I suddenly feel like giving Jake all the loose change in my wallet...or possibly backing away from him... 

4.  OJ Simpson gloves in the front pocket solidifies my decision.  I'm backing away from him.

5.  Dill, though in a reduced state, is nonetheless making Jake look about five years older than he actually is.

6.  None of this is enhancing the headline (which seems a bit lazy...Jake Gyllenhaal is 29 years old and male.  What else would be on his brain?)

Feel free to vehemently disagree with me in the comments.

Also, if you are a U.S. citizen of voting age, don't forget that today is the first Tuesday in November of an even-numbered non-presidential-election year!  That means mid-terms, baby.  So please vote!  (Although if you're voting Republican, even if you don't vote your candidate will likely win anyway...)


Anonymous,  November 2, 2010 at 11:19 AM  

LOL I agree with you. This isn't his best cover (the only one that was worst was the last GQ that had Jake wearing something so light against a light background it washed him out) he is better with a dark background.

I wonder who he's having sex with (hmmmm? TS?)


Vanessa November 2, 2010 at 12:09 PM  

LMFAO, PG! Great post. & yeah, that picture is definitely not the one I would have chosen for the cover. That look on his face is kinda creepy looking really.

#4 really cracked me up, as that OJ thought went thru my mind yesterday when KD asked on the forum what anyone thought about those gloves. But then I tried to get that image out of my head fast & my mind went straight to the gutter as usual! >;-P

& I am off to vote my democratic ass off asap. (I totally wish I had done the early voting thing now, crap)

Anonymous,  November 2, 2010 at 1:25 PM  

I don't like that cover either and I agree with all of your arguments. It's not as bad as the GQ cover but I find nothing sexy about it, it's really awkward. The suit seems too large for him, I don't get the glove in the pocket (it looks like a gorilla paw!), he has a weird expression and why oh why did he keep his beard for the photo shoot?

I think he really looks older than is age and I notice a lot of people commenting in the gossip sites were totally surprised to know he was only 29. A lot of them thought he was well into his 30's.

I don't find much to get excited about regarding Jake these days. I'm still sooooo creeped out by the Taylor Swift thing... :/


Call Me Mo November 2, 2010 at 1:55 PM  

Not. Definitely not. I was watching a show I DVR'd yesterday and I fastforward through the LAOD preview. :-O HA!

Sasha,  November 2, 2010 at 3:35 PM  

well I said already on the other Post: I dont actually know what to think of the pic............... and I'm still not sure - tho the more often and close I look onto it the more I "slide" to not liking it.

I wont look at it anymore ;)

PG I need a new post pls ROFL

Becky Heineke November 2, 2010 at 4:07 PM  

I see Vanessa just put up the ENTIRE Esquire interview in the forum, so if you're looking for a distraction from the horrible cover shot, you can always go over and check out the slightly better shots from inside the magazine. ;)

Unfortunately, after reading the interview, I'm not sure it's going to rekindle anyone's enthusiasm for either Jake or LAOD, but...I'll leave that up to you guys! :D

Nothing Really Matters November 2, 2010 at 4:39 PM  

Lol, darling is this even a real magazine?? Is it bad I don't know it and I live here!

Is he naked inside? That might perk up my intrest!

sumi k November 2, 2010 at 4:59 PM  


bring back all the shirtless dastan pics.

in this cover, he looks like a brow beaten insurance salesman.

Vanessa November 2, 2010 at 5:14 PM  

@sumi k - I totally love your description, too funny! >;-P

Vanessa November 2, 2010 at 5:15 PM  

@NRM, I wish there were nudie pics of him inside, but NO. I guess we will all just have to wait for the damn movie to see him nekkid... ^_^

Monica November 2, 2010 at 10:10 PM  

I was wondering why these gloves?

I'm still very anxious to see Love And Other Drugs.

KD,  November 2, 2010 at 11:01 PM  

IA with you, although I think your in the majority. There's some massive hate for Gylls going 'round 'cus of the TaySwift thing. So most people are siding with "GYLLENHAAL IS A CREEP AND FUGLY" sort of argument.

And I wish I could vote. VOTE NO ON PROP 20, 23, and 27. KTHX.

Prop 19, yes of no ISJ?

Vanessa November 3, 2010 at 12:04 AM  

Well KD, I said already in the forum regarding the latest dogging on Gylls due to the TS thing, I don't get that attitude myself. I actually don't give a damn who he dates or sleeps with or marries. (unless it's a POS like that trash that broke up Sandra Bullock & her moron ex) But if he took up with trash like that, I would truly believe he had gone insane.

& not sure what props 20, 23, & 27 are about since I don't live in CA, but I do know prop 19 & it appears it got shot down. I would have voted for it if I lived there, I believe it would have helped the CA economy & led the way for the rest of the country to get with the program. Sorry if that offends anyone here. ^_^

Sasha,  November 3, 2010 at 2:54 AM  

okay PG you made me look at that cover again ... thx :/

@Vanessa I think it is actually not really who he is dating but more IF he is dating ... tho I'm not even sure they actually had a date ... but the PR-ploys are just to cheap - it's not like he needed it. (If its that what it is - erm can u follow my weirdo-english here?)

Personally I don't care too much - tho I like a nice gossipping about it (sorry if that is considererd bad behaviour - but we all gossip, why should it be not aloud to do so over a celeb? Just coz s/he gets more of it?)

And still I'm not as keen any more on LAOD ... well ... let's see what happens once it is here

Becky Heineke November 3, 2010 at 10:18 AM  

I have to agree with Sasha on this one... And I also think that part of it is that Jake's image has changed drastically in the past few years. (Can you see the Jake who got the Oscar nom for BBM starring in a Disney movie and dating a teen idol radio star? Of course not!)

That's not to say that all change is bad...but I think a lot of people are just questioning the motivation and legitimacy of it. If this turns into something more than a few well-placed photo ops, then you're preaching to the choir when it comes to him doing whatever the hell he wants.

But this is someone who has (for years!) repeatedly spoken of getting away from the industry while simultaneously, with every personal and professional move he's made lately, moved further into the Hollywood mainstream, becoming more and more that stereotypical "movie star" that he built his entire career standing in opposition to. I think people are reacting to the feeling that they don't know who he is anymore (or even sense that he himself doesn't have a firm grasp on who he is).

That is my wide-ranging, deep-thinking, philosophical reasoning behind why I, personally, am somewhat annoyed by the situation.

The rest of the world? Everyone likes a common enemy. In the long term, this will probably help him. Just think of all those people who are angry right now who NEVER CARED ABOUT HIM before. They will rejoice when the breakup happens and voila! It will once again be cool to be Jake fan. :) But for now, we all have to live with not ever really knowing if he's actually having fun with all this, or if, as the timing and public-ness of it has suggested, this is being done for the wrong reasons...

Monica November 3, 2010 at 12:03 PM  

Johnny Depp was a respected actor when he starred in a Disney movie. Jake always dreamed of having a franchise. The problem was that Jake forgot the script and bet in a film thinking that just working with JB it would be a success. Just a mistake, as many actors make in their careers.

Those people who comment on sites like Just Jared for the most part are not fans of Jake. They're just having fun with the lives of celebrities.

Sam November 3, 2010 at 4:28 PM  

Hot or not you ask?


joelliea November 4, 2010 at 1:07 AM  

If it didn't say "Jake Gyllenhaal" on it, I wouldn't recognize it's him.

I hereby am mourning for the innocence lost.

Not hot. Tripled.

Becky Heineke November 4, 2010 at 10:15 AM  

I think the nots have it... :)

Shadow The Cat,  November 5, 2010 at 6:49 PM  

I agree with not. I really feel like he has become far less fascinating the last 2 years or so. I had always deemed him drool-worthy. Honestly, never been a fan of the beard on him. Scruffy yes, bearded no. I completely agree with all your points, and to back up the comments of people thinking he's older, i brought him up in convo recently with a friend and they said, "he's like 40 dude!" I exclaimed, "he's 29, not even close to 40!" Case and point though.

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